used to be spontaneous and very chatty...
I used to be very spontaneous, creative and chatty...responsible about my studies and work
and housekeeping. Now, the more I am here at the monastery I find myself having to redirect
my bubbly nature towards having a big FILTER. It's rough. I am really depressed today.
I wish I had the talent and drive to make it out there. I am like a penduluum on this issue.
Just last night I was telling Jan that I loved it, but this morning, the nastiness from the nuns
felt hyper focused on me (as the whipping boy) and I felt like running. Well not actually running
but I caught glimpse of their evil which is not christian at all. I don't know what would make them
feel entitled to designate someone to target like this. I am the only male - and in that sense
it may be much as in the world of lemings where the females beat up on the male lemings at every
chance. It's like these nuns have no self regulation at times. All I know is I thought about this reality
at morning meal..and I realized an addition to an familiar old lesson of 'be aware of who you tell things and what you tell them'
and that is additional coming to me today with the concept of 'having a filter'. I can be irrepressibly excited in person
and now putting a kibosh on my spirit really depresses me. Over all I seem to find truths which undermine myself
and my standing in life. I wish I wish my mind wouldn't do this.
Replies
I wrote this to the Eldress,
Maybe we are all like Christ in life, as we seek to know and understand humanity in our life’s journey . Perhaps it’s more like we adhere to and seek Christ because his way protects us in survival and coaches us through daily vicissitudes as well as major events.
I mean Christ offers a way to understanding
And it protects us
I think bearing down and doing the work may not be helping me anymore
I’ve recognized the nature of it here and those realities are understood, but in the face of all that, like Oprah said, ‘we are all trying to achieve the best versions of ourselves and lives’. So somethings accepted but still looking for ways to best to experience it!
Big hug sweetie....I'm sorry that people are being nasty and that you're feeling low
Perhaps when you go away it will be a good time to take some time to think and make a decision as to whether this is for you or not
The sisters are going to continue to reside there so it's not like you can get away from it
Prayers sent for a brighter day ....xo
Thanks Janet!!
Another Oprah saying from Dear Mia Angelou 'when we know better we do better'...my thought along with that is that mistakes are learning lessons, not failures!
Mark do you think your feelings may be influenced by how hard you pushed yourself through the Easter Season, and now things are slowing down with more time on your hands and sadly more time for the sisters to poke at you with '''their issues''' you being the sounding board/scape goat for their venting.
You mentioned you were going on a trip mid june...perhaps while you wait, what thoughts come up that you could 'do' to find a way to transition out of the monastery, into a different one with men? perhaps? Or seek out different employment/housing that you could afford...you had a life outside the monastery...wondering were you happier in Chicago, or happier now?
No matter what road you take Mark, I hope you are very proud of your accomplishments in life "for you" No Comparing!!! Just You as you are, a kind man who wants the best for himself and those who are lucky enough to encounter you in their lives.
As I send myself off to sleep I'm listening to this teaching https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBKANHC-ipAp
(((((huggs))))), Mark- I'm sure Janet and Mary Louise are right, that your upcoming trip may give you the time you need to sort things out.
I'm sorry the nuns are mean to you-
Thanks Mary Louise and GT!!!