Urges
I am tired. Very very tired. I am tired of of urges, the nightmares, the disappointment, the pain, the anxiety, the fear, the sadness. It seems as if this will never go away. Here I am, on my 15th week without cutting, and it is as difficult as ever. I could write a book on why I think the urges are getting so bad. The one thing I hold on to is the fear of hiding the scars if I don't quit for good. I went swimming for the first time in over a year on Saturday with my really good guy friend Zack. It was hard though because I looked kind of weird with a pair of spandex shorts under my one piece and a skirted swim suit bottom over the top of my shorts and one piece. I wanted to make sure that my horrendous scars would not be seen. I thought about just wearing my one piece and being open about my scars, but I decided against it. My reasoning is that I want Zack to know the real me, and my scars are not part of who I really am now. My scars belong to the girl I used to be. Unfortunately, they continue to stick around, as red as ever even over a year later with scar stuff applied every day. It's frustrating.
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