Ups and downs
Things (as in my mood) were getting quite a lot better for a while. Going back to work was anxiety-ridden but my fiance came with me on my first business trip back....and with his support and the help of some anxiety meds, I did all right. The trip after that went all right. I was a bit anxious about handling it on my own, but despite several challenges, I made it through without a panic attack - which is a major victory in my book. Since the holidays have begun, I have been home and although for the most part feel all right, have noticed that I'm starting to feel a bit down. I wonder if it's the holidays or my hormones... it's probably a bit of both. It doesn't help that my sleep schedule is way off again. I'm not sure when this started, but I didn't make it to bed until dawn yesterday...and here it is again past 3 in the morning; definitely an indecent hour to still be awake if you aren't working swing shift. I am fighting not to feel guilty that I'm still awake. I know it's not good for me. I am out of Ambien, so don't really feel tired. I guess sleep hygiene really is essential to maintaining a stable mood. I go to the doctor tomorrow. I will talk about things and hope that all is fine. The holidays are sort of getting me down since I'm estranged from my parents and due to being out of work when I was sick(er) am too poor to go see the rest of my family. I am also too poor to get people presents - which also gets me down. In general, the great thing about Christmas for me is getting people presents - it's fun. Being artistic, I also like to make things for people but really don't feel motivated. And I keep feeling like the clock is ticking and I'm not getting things done. It sucks. Relatively, these are minor complaints compared to the awful hole I was in not that long ago. I just feel like if I'm "better" or at least functional, why is it so hard to stay motivated? It all rolls back to the same thing: I have no schedule. And I can't seem to commit to one. My self confidence has been shaken. When I was sick, I wasn't performing well on the job. Which is understandable if you know why, but I got what I think is a pretty negative review from my boss and I can't seem to get over it.
Replies
I am sorry you are missing the much needed rest-appropriate sleep is necessary for improved health. I understand not feeling motivated or getting done the things you want to do. My mind comes up with the things I need to do or want to do but I lack energy/motivation/ambition to get things accomplished. I have come to the conclusion people have too much. Holidays and special occasions put deadlines, expectations, and certain set behavior as part of a social custom. Sometimes, I think it would be better to spread this \"personal recogniton\" throughout the year-presents, cards, or specially apropriated time for each individual we know in our social setting. Giving thought to the needs and/or relationship with each individual. Perhaps that would be more meaningful and less stressful. This time of year, I would think, being together, sharing the preparation and enjoyment of a meal, playing board games, enjoying music, or some other function, may become a more meaningful way to have social relationships. Just a thought or idea! You can flush it down the commode!!! I know it is tough being poor and without the energy and motivation. I keep thinking about the things I would like to do or get. It is frustrating not to be able to do anything.
Just came across your entry because AnnJo commented above. Anyway, I\'m really sorry about all these fluctuating states you\'re going through. I have the same exact problem lately. It can be very destabilizing. Just keep in mind that there are other factors here as well, lack of sleep and the holidays are big time influences. I didn\'t get enough sleep a few nights ago and my whole day was awful. I was more depressed than usual and less equipped to handle life in general. The holidays are very overwhelming too. Keep focusing on the great improvements you have made. No panic attacks? That is a big accomplishment. You ran out of ambien, that\'s a lot to deal with so just give yourself a break, don\'t feel guilty. Just ignore some of those unpleasant feelings and remind yourself of the great strides you\'ve made