Update 11/29
Came home today. I have an appointment tomorrow and another Friday I couldn't miss, and I am exhausted!!! Need some sleep in my own bed. Still no biopsy report on the breast tissue. Still in holding pattern. Still waiting. Becky and her mother and sister are very cliquish and I am feeling a bit of tension from them. I completely understand Becky is out of her mind with pain and worry, but even in normal times she isn't the easiest person to talk to. During my time there, I only went to the hospital 3 times, the rest of the time I was taking care of Jack or running errands to lighten the load on my sister. Today when I got home I took a picture of my husband and furbabies and wrote "Mommy's Home!!!" She left a comment that made me uneasy, "Mommy needs to stay around for her people, too. Take your time...I'll be here, and Lori will be back on shift from Sunday to Thursday. Enjoy your babies." Maybe I am being too sensitive, but saying I need to stay around for my people too sounded like, stay there??? So trying to address it before it gets out of hand and there are misunderstandings I sent her a text - "Hey,I just want to make sure you understand what I am trying to do. Nobody can take your place and I am not trying to nor do I want to, which is why you have to get through this. I have no idea what you are going through or how you are hurting both physically and emotionally. I just want to help. I feel like as much as I can keep Jack active, distracted and happy, the better, and as much of a load as I can take off of Lori the better. But please, please know I am not trying to step on your toes in any way. I am helpless in so many ways, but in the ways I am capable of, I just want to help."
Sent the text at 4:16pm...it is 8:53pm, no response.
Am I being too sensitive??? I want to help, I am going to help. My sister and my nephew need me, but I think she is getting jealous. I understand totally, but also I would think she'd be grateful...the more support and love provided to the family the better. But she considers her family to be her, her mother, her sister, Jack and Lori. I am the silly, fun aunt that just plays with Jack and lets him do whatever he wants, within reason, of course. I can be that way, I am his aunt, just like her sister. Regardless, I will be there as much as possible for my sister and Jack, but it's quite uncomfortable when someone is around you feel doesn't want you there, you know???
Replies
hmmmm....well, not knowing her personally, and just reading the words without having any emotion involved, what "I" read is a sweet message reminding you to take care of you and yours in the midst of this storm as well. I think I would read it differently if it said something like "Thanks for coming but we've got it from here". But she didn't say don't come back, she said to take your time, she's not going anywhere for a while, love on your family and come back refreshed. That's how "I" read it anyway.
You're doing the right thing by going to help, AND you're doing the right thing by going home to meet your personal needs and re-energize yourself. Rest in that truth and put the worry away my friend.
Tight hugs and continued prayers~
Allowing Becky and Lori the control that they need to feel in this moment is critical. This is not about you and IS all about them. Perhaps trying to keep things as "normal" for them as possible which is their immediate tribe is what makes them feel the safest and most secure. I would not return unless they ask you to and I know that might really hurt to hear, yet they are the ones that need to feel as if they can control who is with them in this and who is not.
It might be exactly what Teri has picked up and that they want you to have some time for you and then will want everyone back with all hands on deck. Yet, it might also be that they are needing to really pull in and do this among themselves and that needs to be respected even if it's not understood.
You have said what you need to say and if you don't hear anything back that is your answer for now, not forever. I have no doubt that YOU have been amazingly helpful, yet illness and crisis thrust each of us into a place that is filled with every emotion and seeing things going on as "normally" as they are from Becky's lens could feel threatening to her.
Please take care of yourself, heed their advice and no not return without an invitation to do so. These are just my thoughts and as you always know, Gina, I say them in love and they are my truth and certainly do not have to be yours as you understand your family dynamic far more than I ever could.
Gentle care, continued prayers and my love during this time of so many unknowns.
XO Joanie
The other thought that just came in for me with your situation is asking permission. I do this and it is amazing how it empowered it helps everyone to feel. Perhaps they might say, "Yes, please come back in a few days or they might say, they will let you know when they need you." Once again it is allowing them to pull in, take care of themselves and not have to worry about hurting your feelings or anyone else's and it also gives them a sense of control when their world may feel as if it's spinning out.
I remember having to post a note on our front door when we had neighbors, friends and family coming over after Douglas shed his earth suit. I found that I was care taking each of them and it was exhausting for me and for our family. I know that everyone was well intentioned and down the road the note came off the front door and we did ask for what we needed, yet in that moment I just could not look at anyone else.
Loving care always and again, just my sharing and take what you like and leave the rest. Lord, how I adore 12 step slogans and still use them all the time to this day.