Up and down day.
Today just didn't seem right this morning from the get go. Maybe it was just me thinking my H was in a off mood or he really was. I can usually can tell since we have lived together for years. I didn't make no big deal, just let it ride. It is crazy how the littlest actions or none action of affection can put my anxiety on a high level. Trying to shut my mind up once I start to feel insecure and start worrying is next to impossible. But as the day went on my H started coming up to me more often and giving me little bits of affection. This turned my insecurities into mush:) I felt so much better just from him touching my shoulder as he walked by. Or when he comes to me and gives me as kiss:)I truly hate how my day seems to rely on how he acts towards me. It scares me that I feel like that is what i look for every day. I want to learn how to make myself happy because what if things don't work out? I prey they do but I have learn to make myself happy either way. I am not sure how because I love him so much that I feel like he is my happiness. I guess if the A never happened then I would not feel so needy. And I wouldn't have a question of our future together because I felt secure before. Now I miss that comfort that I took for granted. But the whole foundation that i put my life, feelings and future on had broken out under me. Now I feel like I put all those things are on top of a chattered stand held together by a uncertain elmers glue. I am here and going to give it my all only because I love him....It will be so scary until I feel secure again. How long will that be? What if that feeling never comes. It has to...But if that is not Gods plan then I prey that he gives enough strength to go threw what I need to become a better person to make a better future. Chow for now cuz I must go watch some football with the H and hopefully get some loving:)
Replies
Good Morning Dawn, I\'ve dealt with the same neediness, especially at first. I grew so tired of it though. My mood is still pretty much dependent on how he treats me but it has lessened a bit. Now, I try to find happiness elsewhere in case we don\'t work out. I reach out to my best friend more, read books that I used to love and focus of my 13 month old. If she\'s happy I am happy. I\'ve also decided to start jogging again on the track by my house once it\'s warmer and this summer I will be going out w/ my daughter more to keep myself preoccupied that way I don\'t have to rely on him to distract me or make me happy. Also, this will help keep my mind of the A and OW.
This is an especially difficult time for all o us b/c it\'s the holiday season and seeing how happy everyone else seems highlights the things we are dealing with. I hate having to rely on his affection or acts of love to feel good and secure. I wish I didn\'t feel this and I\'m working hard to change this. It\'s hard though. So hang in there and if I find a definite solution, I\'ll share it with you ;)
Thank you. I am glad my feelings are a normal part of this unnormal part of my life. I am trying to also find other ways of joy but it is so difficult right now. Thanks again for your supprt:)