up all night.....6:12 am

guess i was headed for an emotional crash---trying to avoid it is like avoiding a car accident.  this time it wasn't avoidable.  running into my former colleague was step one.......color me blue.

they will all be in Washington D.C. in a few hours and i'll be right here.  step two, leaving deb a voicemail.  i reacted with too much opinion and not enough TLC.  she shared some painful things n her family.....tough stuff, a child with a drug dependency.......the impact on the twins.  a little boy and girl.  darling children.  the dad left first......for an affair, he too is addicted to drugs.  not sure what the drug of choice is.......but it doesn't take long for a home to fall apart when drugs rip at the bodies of high risk people. 

my thing is this........the little ones need and deserve our protection.  the adults need help, but they have to have their come to Jesus moment.......hit rock bottom.  it's a lot to think about, to pray about......i am a fixer.  wanting to fix with my inherent (baloney) wisdom......not that i haven't learned a thing or two over the course of a lifetime......but when a friend is struggling with her child  hurtling through space and time......having meltdowns, blowing up at everyone, in particular her mom.  then just as easily asking mom to bail her out.  this has been a longtime pattern and it bothers me to see this messed up adult (31 or 32) manipulating her mom.  the one who loves her the most. 

it's just not good.......but as i say, thinking things.....doesn't always mean that i should open my big trap at the moment i did.  debbie needed me to listen.  just listen.  why didn't i sit her down, hold her hands and pray with her?  why am i such a slow learner?  but i do hope that my messasge today will give her a tiny ray of hope, that she has a friend, albeit a friend with a big ol' size 8 shoe in her mouth.......but a friend nonetheless. 

she also dropped the bomb that she can't go to the mountains with me because her daughter is going to florida for a week.  this makes absolutely no sense to me......this daughter lost her place, couldn't pay her monthly bills.....and now pretty much orders her mom to take care of the kids so she can go get high at the beach.  makes me soooooooooo mad, but tell us how you really feel girl.  emotions scramble so many thoughts.  and i've watched a lot of doctor phil ........color me fake doctor ruth.

aw jeez, did i REALLY just make a doctor ruth reference?.......forgive me.  so bad. 

so we've got the sadness of the ended career, being a doofus of a friend, not listening and praying when i should......my jaw aching from that big stupid foot in my mouth......and my gums hurt.  i have a few antibiotics left......so i'm taking them.  (and they are not tummy/food friendly)  i will probably have to go back to a dentist and get a full script of antiB's to get the infection down......but in the meanwhile the right side of my face.....sinus wise are in bad shape. the actual tooth doesn't really hurt, but the area above it is very very tender and swollen.  i also have some of the prescription oral rinse left, so that's being used too.  nasty or not, i'm making my inner child USE the grody tasting brew frequently.

and then i caught part of a Billy Joel concert on TV.....filmed in Leningrad in 1987.  the year my little girl was born.......so i think about when she was first placed in my arms, her early years......what a captivating delightful funny bright thing she was.  and so lovely.  a long blonde sheet of hair......big blue eyes.  a rosebud mouth........a very pretty little girl.  and i got overwhelmed with mommymissesherbabygirldaughterfaceitis.  but i still thought i was ok, so i called her and wonder of wonders......she picked up.

and right away the tears came, my throat clogged with that weird funny pain when you're trying not to cry as your body is insisting that you cry.  so i asked her if she could just talk to me.....about anything.  so she did.  i was able to get it together in bits and pieces, but it was obvious to me that i was heading towards the black lagoon.  so sadding.  poor momma bear.

i told her that the loneliness really is a hard thing to bear......and i told her how much i miss her.  .......hard stuff from the heart.  she listens but she doesn't say despite my busy schedule mom let's figure something out......lunch or you can come over or i can come see you or well anything that would turn into human interaction.  and this is something that i can't easily understand.

she is a busy woman.  she told me she is having a sale with her ebay online store.  she is now teaching 4 nights a week.  she is singing at a wedding friday night and has a ton of new songs to learn.  she is singing two services sunday at a different location of her church.  she says it's ok to be there, that this is where God wants her at the moment.....but i hear something between the lines.......she is not completely happy about this change.  but she won't tell me what......even when i ask.  she said that she is learning to play dungeons and dragons.  something she always thought was too uber nerdy, but so far so good.  that they (she & her hubby) got up a group of seven to play on saturday.  i don't know who.....but this is yet another time when i am not invited.  not that she has to invite me to everything.........but how about something? 

and i tell her that debbie can't go to the mountains, sara says nothing.  not i'm sorry mom, or i'm looking forward to our trip or anything.  do i expect too much of her or too little?  why is it so hard for me to communicate/understand her?  her distance?  .........this overly analytical thinking does me no good when it comes to her.  not at all.  it just serves to upset......i do better when i distance myself, take the high road.......forgive her in advance.  expect little .......but yesterday i wasn't up to it.  got off the phone and let out this keening cry......the same one i heard when i found out my mother had passed away.  i let it out.......this wounded lioness howling into the vastness of a lonely time.

and then after a little while i splashed warm water on my face.....blew my nose thrice and decided to go for a walk.  it was pouring rain, so i drove to a store and got busy walking......leaning on the cart until it was time to stop walking and put my feet UP.

i came home, remembered i had some sausage that needed to be used up.......so i whipped up a spinach/onion/sausage quiche with italian cheeses.......yum!  had a slice with a small salad. some celery, romano tomato, that lettuce i can't remember the name of (not iceberg) ....and tried to open a new bottle of salad dressing.  i tried and tried and tried......i was about to give up, march my sorry puny self over to a neighbor to get the container open.......then thought no, that feels too humiliating......maybe i should cut my way into that sucker!  and just then it began to turn.....but i found myself crying again. some days are tough.

so i got through another teary spell and pushed back off the side of life and watched some tv.  i wanted to cook some chicken too.....but i thought i would fall asleep before it was done roasting in the oven.  oh well......awake all night.  watched a show about a psychic who helps solve a murder.  a documentary about angola prison........that is a very tough prison in Louisiana.  ...interspersed with Frasier and Andy Taylor.  finally got up.......and came into the kitchen and started cooking.  got the crock pot out.....sauteed onions and mushrooms.  diced idaho potatoes, carrots, green beans.....cubed the chicken breasts.......made a country gravy........and tomorrow, no wait ......and TODAY at some point i should have a nice stew.  with lots of lovely veggies.  i'll set my alarm clock so that the dish doesn't turn into another bad science experiment. 

wrote a note to call my dentist to see if he can call me in a prescription for an antibiotic.  if he can't then i'll have to go see another new dentist on this new dental plan and hope/pray that this dentist can actually diagnose me properly......and the costs will be within REASON. 

it's almost 7 am.  my fingers are a real blabbermouth........!  bible study starts back up this wednesday at 7 pm....with the new pastor.  hope to go.  i know i need to go to the senior center .....i don't know why i keep putting off going there.  i fought to be able to go.......and then did nothing.  i am turning into a fraidy cat......afraid of rejection, of not fitting in......of being the NEW old kid on the block........i know that they are not good enough reasons not to go.  i have to push myself to go...to try.  in an easy going encouraging way........sort of a move your arse you ninny kind of coaching thing.......

and i can't help but think how sam sent me a note friday that there was a concert on saturday at 6 at the store.......would i like to come.  i couldn't cause i was just wobbily waking up at 3:30 that day........not yet clean and shiny.......and feeling like someone had socked me in the mouth.  this mouth/tooth thing, taking the antib's throws my body and emotions off track. 

me me me me iiiiiiiiiii........i want to stop.  being so self absorbed.......i think i need to be hard on myself right now, to nip it, if you will.......to see the light....reclaim joy.  be a trooper.......and not give in to pity.  i can hear the crickets.........it's supposed to be in the 90's today, after a long day of heavy rain.  please Lord, let me take a nap now......please send the sleep fairy.  to dust my eyelids......to quiet the mind.  to ease into slumber.......to dream.  yada yada yada.....yabba dabba doo.........a little elaine from seinfeld and a little fred flintstone......i am tired.  hugggggs to you........hold onto yourself. you're worth it......every minute you are kind and thoughtful where your mind/body and spirit are concerned are like money in the bank.  we all gotta grieve and vent but we don't need to let it overtake us.......push us off the road......sent us into the ditch. 

even at my loneliest, emptiest......or most frightened i am reminded that i am never alone......God is with me.  and that is the good stuff.

this little life of mine.....Lord help me learn to shine.  let me learn let me learn learn to shine........  your friend in the south (and a joy chaser coming to a hopeful self soon......!)