unwinding the wind up doll

before i really and truly wake up, what can i see today?
there are some lovely and unusually cool patterns on the wall made from sunlight.  i wonder if that's how our ancestors got the idea for lace?  they are each as unique as snowflakes, beautiful and so fleeting.  the one on my computer just went poooooooooooof.  it's gone, the light show magic has disappeared.  so many things we have to look for to actually see in this life.
when i did wake up, there was a small, but ever growing Rio the boy kitty climbing on me.  he is a funny purring furry alarm clock.  oh rio, i don't wanna wake up yet.  too late, it kicked off the talk radio in my head.  no.  try to change the station really quick.  don't let ol' ALL TALK, ALL THE TIME get started with you today........find some musica.  Find something nostalgic, soft, soothing..........something that wakes a body up slowly.  Nah, that old talk talk talk girl inside my head was going full blast.  Half laughing, trying to shake all that noise outta my head........make a mental note, gonna have to fire her.  Let her go, try to soften the blow........after all it is a part of me and I am fond of quirky kooky semi losing it dear sweet me.  But sometimes...........sometimes my brain goes into overdrive and produces so many nit picky thinky thoughts that I wanna and need to have a Labor Day Fire Sale on Thoughts.  Wanna buy some?
I can give you no interest for 12 months same as cash.  I can give you free delivery.  I can send handsome or pretty delivery people to set up your purchases.............I can outoffer/outsale/outdo anyone in the tricounty planet area.  I need to get this stuff outta my head.  It is too much inventory.  Seriously, somehow during a period of heavy brain fog I think that my brain invested in a ton of thinking stuff that I just don't need any more, don't need and can't use.  Stuff like regret, guilt, foolishness, nonsense and mayhem kind of thinking. 
It may not be for you either..........duh, but you may know people who need to feel some of these things and seemingly can skip through life and feel none of the above about very little.  They think everything is someone else's fault, someone else's responsibility, someone else should fix it or pay for it or pave the way for whatever is needed.  I always think that things are my fault and it is hard wired in such a way that even with a freshly committed thought process made possible by a wondrous and mighty Heavenly Father............I can still get all worked up thinking endlessly about all kinds of stuff.  It is time wasting and overall wasteful, non-productive and often times just plain self indulgent pity potty kind of thinking.
If you made it with me thus far you may be thinking this girl is WOUND UP, not really.........this is me after I let go of the first few pitches when my brain gets like this.  Like a dog with a bone my brain does not want to let go of this thinking, of blame........blaming me or blaming others or any kind of thinking that involves self-pity of some kind or other.  It is a hard little knot filled with spiteful sparks.  It is mean.  It is gritty.  It is punishing and it is pitiful.  It is also a huge waste of time.
It is good to step back and look at your life, have an awareness, take time..........but if your emotional self and your bullying self wake up before your spiritual self you can find that you have a problem in the making.  It can rev up a lot of finger pointing at yourself.........fingers of blame at you or others in your close life circle and boy can it make a mess. 
I have to pull myself out of this water, referred to by others as the "deep end."  Catch my breath and dry off.  Shake it off, start over, calm down, get a grip, chill and for heaven's sake........relax.  Picking on myself, all this negative headtalk does not lead to peace or joy.  It leads to pain and more pain.  This may have nothing to do with where you are right now and you may have stopped soon in cause this was really just a tight little knot that I had to work out of my system all by myself with the good Lord's help, but there you are and now you know.  I have to reclaim my center by seeking God daily or I can go off course and while I'm still sweet, I can quickly become a little nuts. 
Within this hard little nutshell I think of it as self-bullying.  If I saw someone doing this to someone else I would step up and say no, stop, desist, cease, enough. I need self compassion --- to treat myself better than this........be kind, respectful and gentle.  We are all precious, wonderfully unique and special.
I feel better, God is a wonderful compass........guide and teacher.  I may end up in detention/time-out sometimes, but it's for my own good.......if this journal is anything to go by.........I'm laughing.......hope you can laugh with me.