Unsent letter
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Natasha,
Still feels weird calling you that instead of honey. I hope you are doing well. I really do. Why am I writing you…guess selfishness. Hey, I can be selfish right? The only thing I guess I ask, since I’m watching your stuff still, is that you don’t write back saying you moved on or you hate me. I feel that already. I do know you and know you aren’t going to sit around. I know you tossed everything out, burned everything, and deleted pictures.
It’s been one year since my life change. The hurricane had a major impact on my life for good or bad. We were together 18 months total but because of the hurricane 1 year of that was living together. Was it easy? No. We were both used to doing a lot ourselves. It took a while, more for me than you. We irrated each other..we frustrated each other…we got on each other nerves. Would I change it If I could…some minor things yes but spending that year leaving with you – no.
In a breakup, I’m told we are supposed to hate, be angry, etc. I think I will always, always cherish that time with you. I know I was quiet and moody sometimes or a lot in your view. I just try to keep my emotions in check some. I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t want to hurt you. Of course, I did hurt you so that didn’t work out well. You gave me so many great moments. I just wanted to thank you. You are amazing. You have your faults but I love those faults. I love the little things and how you used to look at me.
Yes love. Not loved, love. Even not together, even though we won’t be together, even though we don’t have stuff in common, even though I want to die at the moment from this pain, I’ll always love you. I don’t let many people in. You even told me I was guarded in the beginning. It’s because I wear my heart on my sleeve. When I let someone in and it doesn’t work I get crush. But even being crushed doesn’t change that I love you.
I think that’s why I’m writing. You’ve had a hard life. Your 1st ex broke you for a while. Your 2nd ex..well you never truly loved (I’m not judging) so it was different but you still felt betrayed). I don’t know or what to know about the others. I know about your challenges in life. I know you are a hard person inside..at least when it comes to people. I just want you to know..understand..that you have really, really touched someone’s life. That you made a change for the good. You gave me so much joy over the last year. From how happy you would be to see me…to the little things..to the stupid butt bump that I miss. I have a lot of great memories I’ll look back on in time. A lot of great photos too. Haha, photos, I would take photos of you because I would want to capture the moment. You are the most beautiful lady in the world. No matter what age Natasha. I know you were worried about getting old. I know you hate been called beautiful. It must stink to get so much attention lol, I wouldn’t know. I know it does for ladies. You want someone to want you/love you for you. Someone did and does. You have a soft heart for animals. You are caring and sweet to your family. You are scared of things just like all of us. You know..beautiful..I would call you that because I would see the whole package as beautiful.
You know you used to joke about the bedroom, that you would miss that. Natasha, anyone would be lucky to be with you there. You always took my breath away. As I told you, it was magical and perfect because I loved you completely. I haven’t thought about it all this time…but I will in months to come and cherish all those moments with this wonderful lady.
I know you thought that you aren’t first in my life…well you and Alyssa was tied. Sorry, I can’t abandon my daughter but doesn’t mean I didn’t want you. I lived in the frustrating apartment for a year with you. I put you before my needs and wants. I didn’t go see my mom because you were going to see your mom. And numerous other things… Maybe I should feel used for the stuff I did..but I did it freely and from the heart. I did it with love…so much love…I picture us together forever Tash. I pictured us walking hand and hand (I loved you grabbing my hand) though all the challenges. You said I love drama but I hate it. I want a nice quiet life. But we both had stuff going on.
Just so you know..even after all these weeks I can see the breakup. I can hear your words that you were unhappy 50% of the time. That you hated wearing the ring. The ring..I was so proud to have you wear it. I’ll look back someday and feel that again. I was so nervous asking you to marry me. I also though up. You were cute because you thought we were breaking up. I just remember you saying yes. I’ll never forget that moment. Ever hon.
I want you happy..even if it’s not with me. That’s what love is. I know you want me happy too because I believe you truly loved me. That’s why this is so fricking hard. So painful because of that. I guess I should have just gone to the court house and got married huh? Maybe we wouldn’t have quit than. I’m sorry I couldn’t be better for us. I hope you’ll look back someday and see I wasn’t bad. I hope you find what you are looking for. I know someone will love you for you because I do. Just know that someone will always love you. Even distance, no together, us marrying other people, I’ll always have love for you in my heart. Once I stop crying that is…
Hug the dogs for me…I miss them too. Stupid parrot kept saying bye bye when I was packing. I feel empty at the moment. I know it will get better but losing you…well is one of the hardest things of my life to this point. Up there with Sam and my father passing. Yes, I was with someone for 10 years…but the feelings and how we acted didn’t match.
Have to focus on work
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