Unseen cutting
This is sad. My mind understands the wonderful insights that God shows me, but my actions are not always aligned with His will. I try to depend on my strength that requires me to be obedient to His will, when doing so I fall back into the stupidity of self-sufficiency. I forget that it is by His grace that sustains me.
My old habits of coping really have a strong hold on me. I cannot handle stress. Anything out of my safe and secluded way of living just triggers me in a million ways. I’m sad I want to move on in my life and live and not just marly existing every day. Lately there have been days when I thought I could actually be healthy and enjoy being involved with society. I wish these moments would dominate my being!
Unfortunately, I have been cutting in a place where no one can see. In a sick sense I feel momentarily relieved when I cut, without my loved ones seeing or being worried, but I also know I am living a lie. I read a notation this morning that really convicted my heart:
“Pretending to be happy when you’re in pain is just an example of how strong you are Not as a person. In reality...the strongest ones feel it in order to heal, accept it and then move on. Strong means not pretending.”
I need help. I think I have created another addiction to cope with reality! The biggest problem of this manner of living is I’m not always aware when I am pretending. It has been a life time of practicing the bondage of being separated from my feelings in every imaginable way.
How is it so easy to fall back to my old coping skills when I have tasted the freedom that comes with handing things over to God? Sometimes I really hate myself!
My old habits of coping really have a strong hold on me. I cannot handle stress. Anything out of my safe and secluded way of living just triggers me in a million ways. I’m sad I want to move on in my life and live and not just marly existing every day. Lately there have been days when I thought I could actually be healthy and enjoy being involved with society. I wish these moments would dominate my being!
Unfortunately, I have been cutting in a place where no one can see. In a sick sense I feel momentarily relieved when I cut, without my loved ones seeing or being worried, but I also know I am living a lie. I read a notation this morning that really convicted my heart:
“Pretending to be happy when you’re in pain is just an example of how strong you are Not as a person. In reality...the strongest ones feel it in order to heal, accept it and then move on. Strong means not pretending.”
I need help. I think I have created another addiction to cope with reality! The biggest problem of this manner of living is I’m not always aware when I am pretending. It has been a life time of practicing the bondage of being separated from my feelings in every imaginable way.
How is it so easy to fall back to my old coping skills when I have tasted the freedom that comes with handing things over to God? Sometimes I really hate myself!
Replies
Your awareness and beginning to honestly see and know yourself is a wonderful start. I relate to you when you say \"anything out of my safe and secluded way of living just triggers me\' ... I am working at releasing fears one baby step at time. I encourage you to speak kindly to yourself about yourself. Hating ourselves or our lives really keeps us stuck and digs us deeper. We have been there and it doesn\'t work. Loving, accepting and approving ourselves in this very moment doing the very best we can in all our situations and continuing to reach for life and health is much more affirming to our obedience to God. I encourage you to cancel words of unkindness against yourself and to know that you are beloved in the eyes of our Creator!
ditto