Unmotivated

This is a vent about how things are going. I recently started exercising and eating and drinking healthy. I've drinking more water and eating more fruit. I bought a pair of 20lb dumbells to exercise with. Yet, my mood is still bad. I had a job interview, and then, a second interview for the same place. I never had a second interview before.

I thought this was going to be great. They didn't hire me. I turned in another application in person at another place. I had an interview the same day. They didn't hire me. I'm thinking, "Why bother? No one wants to f@#$%&* hire me."

Every morning, I hear my alarm clock. Then, I turn it off and go back to sleep and miss a chunk of the day. I do that because I still want to die, but I'm too scared to do it. So, I sleep a lot as a replacement for suicide. I've been doing that for weeks. I admit that I tried to kill myself twice this week. One day, I tried cutting my throat, but I was too scared to do any real damage.

So, I just bled a little. This next one is going to sound odd. The next day, I tried drinking dish soap to kill myself. I couldn't stand the taste, but I kept going. I kept going until I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't drink enough to kill myself. So, that didn't kill me. And I have pesticides for roaches and ants and I have rat poison.

I could've used those, but I was too scared to use the poison. I was too scared to do it. I knew the poison would probably kill me in seconds. It's hard for me to be motivated to even get out of bed. I feel hollow on the inside. I feel like I die on the inside a little for every day that goes by.