Unforgiveness
I'm 54, not a young woman. I don't mind when people tell me that I'm not young, that I'm a senior citizen. I am. It's a fact. So imagine my horror at what just happened.
The other day I took some clothes to the cleaners for my father. He'd placed them in a bag so I hadn't seen them until I got to the cleaners and the woman took them out of the bag. Imagine my shock when I saw the condition of these shirts--built in dirt and stains. Extremely dirty. And the poor woman who had to touch them recoiled and so did I. I was extremely embarrassed as it looked like they could be mine. Call it widows brain, but I told her quickly they were not mine. And she just as quickly said, they belong to an old man. Neither of us were really thinking about what we were saying. I've been there before. She's a nice and respectful woman.
So I was horrified, and angry. I've been providing for my father financially to the point that I can barely pay my rent. I've had to cut cable, groceries, etc, just to support two houses. I'd told him I could wash his things. I can't afford dry cleaning for my stuff and do it all the time. He said no, he'd always dry cleaned his stuff and had no intentions of stopping. I went alone with it because I'm stupid and still have widows brain. But now, seeing the stuff, I saw red. The shirts were even cheap, costing no more than twenty-dollars. I'd just payed for his medication and food as he doesn't have enough to pay it himself.
When I got back to his place, I figured the best way to stop this from happening, and to prevent me from losing my apartment from my lack of money was to shame him. Widows brain to be sure. I told him I could have washed them and what the woman said. I figure this would work. When I told him he didn't say a word about it. We talked about all sorts of things and had a good day. Four days later it all hit the fan.
He told me he intended to report it.
I immediatelyl told him that it had been a misunderstanding, that I didn't have my hearing aides in and she didn't say it. He didn't believe me. I reminded him that he's a preacher who always preaches forgivness. I told him the woman could lose her job because of this.
STill, he said he intends to report it.
I continued arguing for the woman, begging him not to do it. He hung up on me.
How stupid of me. How cruel of him.
Of course the woman will not lose her job. But for me to stop this, I will have to lie. Imagine this. I've spent all my life telling the truth. I was a goody-two shoes all my life, but twice I've had to lie because of my father. I'm buying a ticket to hell.
In order to save this woman's job, I plan to go to the cleaners and tell the management what is about to happen. I'll say that the woman never said it. That somehow my father got it into his 83 year old head to come up with this on his own.
In the future, I've got to get rid of the widow's brain and go back to the woman I used to be. I don't have time for the mourning stuff anymore. What I did was stupid and pointless and it wouldn't have happened in the past. I've got to get up off my butt and get back to the living. Other people live in this world besides me, so I say to heck with mourning and on with life.
It will hurt, but I may even have to leave the widows group in order to move on. Just a thought now.
The other day I took some clothes to the cleaners for my father. He'd placed them in a bag so I hadn't seen them until I got to the cleaners and the woman took them out of the bag. Imagine my shock when I saw the condition of these shirts--built in dirt and stains. Extremely dirty. And the poor woman who had to touch them recoiled and so did I. I was extremely embarrassed as it looked like they could be mine. Call it widows brain, but I told her quickly they were not mine. And she just as quickly said, they belong to an old man. Neither of us were really thinking about what we were saying. I've been there before. She's a nice and respectful woman.
So I was horrified, and angry. I've been providing for my father financially to the point that I can barely pay my rent. I've had to cut cable, groceries, etc, just to support two houses. I'd told him I could wash his things. I can't afford dry cleaning for my stuff and do it all the time. He said no, he'd always dry cleaned his stuff and had no intentions of stopping. I went alone with it because I'm stupid and still have widows brain. But now, seeing the stuff, I saw red. The shirts were even cheap, costing no more than twenty-dollars. I'd just payed for his medication and food as he doesn't have enough to pay it himself.
When I got back to his place, I figured the best way to stop this from happening, and to prevent me from losing my apartment from my lack of money was to shame him. Widows brain to be sure. I told him I could have washed them and what the woman said. I figure this would work. When I told him he didn't say a word about it. We talked about all sorts of things and had a good day. Four days later it all hit the fan.
He told me he intended to report it.
I immediatelyl told him that it had been a misunderstanding, that I didn't have my hearing aides in and she didn't say it. He didn't believe me. I reminded him that he's a preacher who always preaches forgivness. I told him the woman could lose her job because of this.
STill, he said he intends to report it.
I continued arguing for the woman, begging him not to do it. He hung up on me.
How stupid of me. How cruel of him.
Of course the woman will not lose her job. But for me to stop this, I will have to lie. Imagine this. I've spent all my life telling the truth. I was a goody-two shoes all my life, but twice I've had to lie because of my father. I'm buying a ticket to hell.
In order to save this woman's job, I plan to go to the cleaners and tell the management what is about to happen. I'll say that the woman never said it. That somehow my father got it into his 83 year old head to come up with this on his own.
In the future, I've got to get rid of the widow's brain and go back to the woman I used to be. I don't have time for the mourning stuff anymore. What I did was stupid and pointless and it wouldn't have happened in the past. I've got to get up off my butt and get back to the living. Other people live in this world besides me, so I say to heck with mourning and on with life.
It will hurt, but I may even have to leave the widows group in order to move on. Just a thought now.
Replies
Sorry for all your troubles. My dad gives me grief all the time as well. \"consider the source\" does little to make me feel better or make his complaints sting less. Ungratefulness is an ugly attitude especially when there is nothing to be done about it. Keep your chin up (the rising tide of insults can\'t drown you that way LOL)
((((HUGS))))
Karl
You do what you need to do, even if it means leaving us. You can always check in on us and know that our good thought go with you regardless. I\'m so very sorry you are having it so tough.
Katherine
You know, Truhal, we get to the point where, it doesn\'t take much for us to crumble under the pressure of grieving - and when we have elderly parents to worry about on top of THAT - (continuing to be the \"perfect child\" - taking care of Mom, Dad whomever) - the burden can be too much. It\'s not just \"widows brain\". We\'re totally stressed out and have a right to \"lash out\".Like me, you seem to take things personally. I\'m starting to learn how not to - in order to survive and have some kind of a future to look forward to. It\'s hard but I have to start putting myself first (NOT ALWAYS - AT LEAST SOMETIMES) now. Sounds like you have to start doing the same. Good luck, it\'s not easy!
I am on your side. You could do his laundry. He is just being stubborn and wasting and incredible amount of money getting his clothes dry cleaned. It is not worth it. You have to do what is right for yourself. I agree wtih dmd1125, it is stress in coping with you father. You have the stress in dealing with you dad and the stress of the loss of your husban with the stress of learning to live on your own and financial worries. It is not easy. All the best with everything from Diane B.
I am on your side. You could do his laundry. He is just being stubborn and wasting and incredible amount of money getting his clothes dry cleaned. It is not worth it. You have to do what is right for yourself. I agree wtih dmd1125, it is stress in coping with you father. You have the stress in dealing with you dad and the stress of the loss of your husban with the stress of learning to live on your own and financial worries. It is not easy. All the best with everything from Diane B.
oh how I feel for you girl. Passing tip on to you...give up the good girl burden...God\'s not going to reject you or anyone for lies. He has forgive the sins from before, now and any to come. You are loved. Hope you can just draw from His love particularly when having a hard time w/your dad. Hope that you are able to get wisdom and strength each day to handle the burden. Agree you do what you have to for yourself...but support is here. Not being here doesn\'t get rid of widow brain...unfortunately. But putting your energy into life and moving forward surely helps. Hugs, Diane
Sorry to tell you this but no matter how much you do for him ,it\'s never going to be enough. My heart breaks for you. I see how desperate you are for his love and how he withholds it from you. He is a bully. No offence. It will never end, his list of unreasonable demands will go on and on. He\'s like a spoiled child and needs to be treated as such. For your sake and his. You must say NO to unreasonable demands and say it firmly and consistently. Don\'t give in or you will be teaching him that as long as you scream loud and long enough you will get what you want.
Jeeez sorry that came out a bit strong. For some reason I hate to hear the way your dad treats you, and I\'m not even the one who has to deal with him!
I agree with dmd1125 and tskks. Your dad does need to be treated like the child. It was also said you need to take time for yourself, for if you dont and you get sick, then give thought to what will happen. You are in my prayers. Sue