Unfocused

I feel lost, fragmented, unfocused, frustrated, tired, burdened. As work seems to be eating away at my confidence, I need it more than ever and can't afford to lose it.  It is hard to evailuate how things are going in my personal life because it all seems so out of focus.  I think my husband is doing better on the new medication regiment, but I'm afraid to think that we might have finally found the right combination to keep him stable.  His encouragement last night was, if this job gets to stressful for me, he'll follow me to the next place I find a job.  It is supportive in a way, but the next place "I" find a job.  The burden to keep us a float is still all on my shoulders.  This is not the life I envisioned for myself, but then so few every do live the life they invisoned.  Most of the time life has a great nack at sending us off in unexpected directions.  I'm tired of being strong.  All my life, I've known that I would have to take care of myself, no one else was going to do it for me.  Neither of my parents knew how to take care of another person.  I know they thought they did.  It has taken me a long time to get free of responsibility of raising my mother.  I guess I should count my blessings that my dad at least knew how to look after himself and his own interest, even if that meant he didn't have time to take any interest in me growing up.  When I met my husband, I was capable of caring for myself and not needing to be relient on anyone else.  That being said, I did reley on him when I first moved to be with him; until I found a job.  Then we were partners, equals, for eight years.  I got used to the idea that I wouldn't be responsible finacially for keeping our little family finacially secure.  He is great at what he does and really enjoys it.  But the bp took that away from him and I'm once again responsible for another needy person.  Work is calling, so I need to try and focus.