Unexplainable Bad Mood

For the last couple of days I have been in a bit of a funk.  I am easily irritated...which is unusual since I am not PMSing or anything.  I’ve been pondering this and trying to put my finger on why this may be.  Since I’ve been doing a lot of introspection this week I finally came to the conclusion that maybe I’m stirring up feelings that need to be dealt with.  I have become so good at denying and masking my feelings that I barely know what they are anymore.  It seems like if they aren’t really strong, like being hopping mad or really happy about something, they just seem like they are not there at all.  So no real drama going on, no real stressors other than daily life.  I think what I’m feeling is anger.  I am angry about being pushed around and treated like crap for so long.  I think this is it because most of my irritation is directed towards pushy, competitive, overbearing people.  I have a lot of trouble standing up for myself and now I see these characteristics in my daughter and I’m mad that she has to go through that and I’m mad at myself for not showing her assertiveness by being a poor example.  I worry about what this will mean for her.  I’m tired of always putting my needs aside for others.  I’m tired of everyone deciding that they know what is best.  I’m tired of putting so much pressure on myself to try to match up to expectations.  I feel almost an inward anger because I still feel somewhat confined by my behavior patterns the way I used to be confined in relationships.    For example I have this friend with whom I feel outrageously competitive with and envy a lot.  We take a dance class together and usually do lunch once a week and also go out sometimes at night.  She is not outwardly competitive .. really ... its just when I’m with her I feel inadequate somehow.  She has a new boyfriend who she just moved in with in a brand new house, she buys clothes from expensive stores and has all the name brands, she has two kids (from a former marriage) but seems to have all this freedom, she is super skinny and always seems to be in a happy, uplifted mood.  I always feel less then when I am with her and strive to do something that will put me above her somehow.  This feeling REALLY bothers me.  What is wrong with me? There just seems to be this undercurrent... I can’t really explain it and I rack my mind to try to figure out what it is.  Here’s an example of one thing she did that made me start thinking this way.  Her and I went to a fashion show.  There was this one dress that I just RAVED about.  I LOVED it and kept talking about it that night and in the following week.  This was a dress that I could never afford and told her so.  So in the next week or so we were having lunch and she says to me “Remember that dress that you really liked” and I said “yes” and she says “Well, I just bought it.  It’s sooo nice”.  I was pissed.  She knew full well how much I like that dress and how I could not afford it.  So now I’m thinking maybe I just overreacted and she liked the dress too.    Now I’m not so sure.  Am I reacting to what she is projecting?   I think that whatever energy this girl is giving me is making me react.  Like I can’t measure up to her but I will keep trying.    Sometimes all this feeling stuff is soooo confusing to me.  And I think envy and anger are two feelings I am not comfortable with because they are not “nice” feelings.  Envy and anger are not pretty.  So I conclude if I am feeling them I must not be a “nice” person.  Food for thought.



i know some of how you are feeling i think.....i also have that \"feeling\" in me towards certain friends....like i can FEEL that they think they are better than me somehow and i used to try to somehow prove them wrong, but without being \"mean\" because i never wanted it to seem that way. i would act more like i didn\'t care..so it was like i was pushing away that feeling they gave me. i think the dress thing might have bothered me some also.....can you ask to borrow it from her...or would it not be the correct size? i think this is all normal for the feelings you are having..i think it\'s unforunately a \"girl thing\" that we all feel some type of competiveness to feel skinnier, prettier, etc, etc. i don\'t like it either and i never could totally figure out why it felt this way, but i get it from even my best friends....i feel that they sometimes purposely don\'t say they like something of mine, but then next time i see them, they will have it. it\'s all strange, but over time, i have evolved a lot from this and i just don\'t care as much....everyone has their issues in life, and no one is perfect. hugs to you!!!

Sorry I am so late to respond to this. I am in the middle of moving and my internet access as been off and on!

Funny that you wrote this because Joleene has been back and forth with me about how I like to post so much but that he nevers knows how I am actually feeling. Tort recently posted on the board a how are you feeling today comment.

I think I will just post the correspondence between Joleene and myself to see if it is helpful. But first I wanted to address the dress issue. You and I have discussed this \'friend\' before. And I always tell you to look beyond the obvious of she has things that I do not want.

And what I think I am hearing you say is: I do not have enough. I am not enough. She gets everything, I have to struggle = something is wrong with me.

I also get the feeling that you feel she bought that dress to kind of rub it in your face so to speak. I am not sure that is true. Even though if I knew a friend loved a dress that much and I had the money, I would buy it for her or certainly I would not buy it out of consideration for her liking it.

You know why? Because we are codependent and over empathetic. Or she could be an evil BIATCH that simply wanted to rub it in your face: I can buy this and you can\'t. I don\'t know. You know your friend best.

I love you girl and know that we all have bad days. I sure do appreciate you being there for me when I just had a super bad day. The other day one of my friends was feeling so down, she was thinking of the worst possible scenerio. And then she thought of her DS friends. That is the power of this board. Perhaps by having great on line friends, we can start carrying that over to 3D friends.

In case this helps:

Ok, Susy - tell me to stop if this bothers you, please. But, I am amazed at how much you sounded like me:
\"I never felt an attraction to post on Torts thread about feelings. I guess most of the time, I simply feel fine, so that seems boring and mundane.\"

That is EXACTLY what I thought of those at first! You know why? Because I had, without knowing it, taught myself to feel fine most of the time. It took something pretty significant to shake that feeling.

I was fine. \'I can cope with this. I\'ll be ok.\' And if something did get to me, I was quick to recover. Not knowing in the tiniest bit that it was a learned behavior - a coping mechanism.

We grew up in homes where (or somehow were otherwise given the message as children) that feeling and needing were not ok. We were supposed to be fine.

It\'s fake!!! You do have a ton more feelings than you know. At least that\'s my opinion. And it is really hard sometimes to find them! I sit there and ask myself how I\'m feeling and all I can come up with is \'fine. ok. decent. good.\' That\'s it. It\'s taking a lot of practice, but I can see improvements on it.

Here\'s the thing. We don\'t have to feel fine to be fine. If we\'re scared, sad, eager, whatever - we can still be ok. Ok and feeling. Having those feelings doesn\'t mean we have to be controlled by them. Having and respecting/honoring them - when it\'s good to act on them or ask for what we need - doesn\'t mean we are bad/needy/whatever negative we\'ve been told goes with that.

I just couldn\'t believe how much what you said sounded just like me.

Ok, another part. And this is just a guess. But, I talked about relationships a lot, too. And have a good 3D support system, who also got tired of hearing me talk about that - still tolerated it to some degree because they\'re friends and that\'s what they do, but were kinda tired of it and sometimes changed the subject or advised me I was spending too much time/focus on this.

So, my question is do you talk about how you feel or do you analyze the relationships? Do you try to figure things out - including, but not limitted to, how he felt?

OMG - I\'m going to sound just exactly like I\'m trying to be your therapist. But, here goes anyway. One more thing.

I think it\'s wonderful that you posted the journal about loosing Joy. I think it\'s a very good step in the right direction. I am not at all trying to say there\'s anything wrong with the post either. It\'s progress. But, it\'s helpful, IMHO to see where we\'re at even though we\'re proud of, and should be proud of, our progress. Here are the parts of your journal entry where you said how you felt:
1 - I am so sad and heart broken.
kinda counts, lol: I always felt safe wtih her.
(as in it says how you did feel. But what do you feel now? Probably a little afraid, unsafe? I can infer that, but you don\'t say it. Maybe that\'s not how you feel now. I don\'t know cuz you didn\'t actually say how you feel about that now). So I\'m saying we\'re at 1.5 \'I feel statements\'
Another kinda - When I got home, the house had never felt so empty.
Well, it\'s pretty obvious that you mean you felt alone and you felt like the house was empty.
Obvious enough that I think it counts for that purpose. But, it\'s still how you felt last night. Closer to the present, but not quite there. How do you feel now? Do you feel lonely? That\'s my guess since that\'s how I would feel, but I don\'t know for sure cuz you didn\'t say.

So, IMHO that also half-way counts as an \'I feel\' statement.

Have a great weekend!

OUCH, this is something I have experienced more than once and more like off and on for years.

Thinking your honestly here is courageous and intelligent although I realize that courage and intelligence doesn\'t make up for the dress.

With out you , Arat, your friend wouldn\'t be envied. You offer her a service she needs. She needs those things of hers to be impressive and she needs to be impressive and with out them she remains ordinary with a bunch of things (monetary) and time on her hands. You give her life meaning (validate her image) and she likes your meaning it makes her important OR does it ???.

That is one way of looking at it when the focus is on her.

If the focus be on you then you have her around to give you a meaning. Your meaning is what you wrote above such as less/undeserving etc.

It is a powerful entry in that you are explaining about unwanted feelings and that those unwanted feelings are the ones that create even more feelings that attribute to how you are not a good person. What an internal dialog / self belief system. Figure out where you inherited it. It is obvious to me that our culture sells product through this condition of being lesser than. corporations make a whole hell of a lot of money because people don\'t know their value of being human with out all of the things ... all of the vacations etc..

I know I have had that same internal dialog and know it well. Wouldn\'t allow myself to be envious or desire others freedom or wealth something like that ... then say to myself... how stupid of me... I am supposed to be above that sort of stuff... Or I should be a good enough person that I wish every one well and be happy for them... LIE!

What your friend did with the dress is pathetic. it certainly isn\'t the emotionally intelligent thing to do .

YOU have said a lot about how you feel and your self belief system. Your intuition is that this woman is as Susy said , rubbing your nose in it. Well there will always be those kinds of people who take other people weaker sense of self or vulnerability and trash it. I might be talking about narcissism and in that case your friend is not really a friend but a component to help you remain in the hole and not see the light of your own being.

Narcs love to do that. They can not stand the sight of vulnerability. It reminds them of being weak which is nothing a narc wants to know about.

But back to you and seeing this womans freedom and the freedom to indulge.

I can tell you one thing I learned with in the context of poverty , American style poverty, is that one can be mighty-monetarily poor and still have a really strong sense of self.

Looking at those that have and comparing to those who have not isn\'t going to create that self connection which is characterized by qualities such as depth , inner light, and are immeasurable to all the time in the world and all the dresses made of silk. Oh and do I love silk dresses.

OK, that is the spiritual/self realized stuff and when it gets down to it I want that dress but not having it doesn\'t tell me , doesn\'t describe (=) a \'self \'.

Two things here.

1. Get away from friends that are dancing on ones weakness .... it isn\'t healthy.

2. find out how to connect with all of you. You are not just a dress or a size or an income. You are a human being and BEING is a key word. The rest is more & less changeable as well as conditional which is to say you or myself have some control but not all over conditions. but these conditions do not tell me about a self! That is my point. So if you see your self responding to conditions/feelings in order to interpret self know it is an illusion.

In the mean time allow yourself envy and anger. I would be angry as well. Develop a part of self that is self understanding and self accepting.

The message you are giving yourself right now is that you should not be allowed to have very human feelings of need and desire and that if you need and desire and are envious that you should feel bad about who you are all of which is hardly about a self . It sounds more like playing a game board and if you win then you are finally some one important.

In the mean time your friend sounds like a jerk.

I think its great you are acknowledging all these feelings in you. Like Suzy says, it is hard for me as well to know everything I am feelings. WTG on that. I also agree that you have to just own your feelings and try not to judge yourself for it. We are just human and we are meant to have all these feelings, to guide us!
If god didnt invent these feelings than we wouldnt have them. There is no shame in feeling all the worst feelings. God gave them to you.
Feeling little guilty over being envious is what a good empathetic person does.

My shrink advises not to be friends with people way outside of your income range. It automatically produces feelings of jelousy, shame etc. The comparison circle starts. On top of it when someone has much more money, they forget how it was. They just forget and say stupid things that will push the buttons.
As far as your friend. What she did is irriating. It is a blatant attempt at provoking you. If I bought that dress, either I would not tell you until much later, and if I told you then I would say you can borrow it anytime you like and I would acknowledge that you might have angry feelings at me for this and would say something like sorry i know how much you like this and you might be angry at me but i bought this dress cuz i really liked it as well, or if I was rich i would buy it for you as well.

Do not be deceived by her super happy all the time demeanor. No one is super happy all the time unless they are putting on a fake face. its not normal to be super happy all the time. The whole perfectionism, super skinny, superwoman is the all so common bs we buy into. It is not real. And real people dont like fake people.

When you practice assertiveness and boundaries the example will teach your daughter. She will pick up on it.