Unexplainable Bad Mood
For the last couple of days I have been in a bit of a funk. I am easily irritated...which is unusual since I am not PMSing or anything. I’ve been pondering this and trying to put my finger on why this may be. Since I’ve been doing a lot of introspection this week I finally came to the conclusion that maybe I’m stirring up feelings that need to be dealt with. I have become so good at denying and masking my feelings that I barely know what they are anymore. It seems like if they aren’t really strong, like being hopping mad or really happy about something, they just seem like they are not there at all. So no real drama going on, no real stressors other than daily life. I think what I’m feeling is anger. I am angry about being pushed around and treated like crap for so long. I think this is it because most of my irritation is directed towards pushy, competitive, overbearing people. I have a lot of trouble standing up for myself and now I see these characteristics in my daughter and I’m mad that she has to go through that and I’m mad at myself for not showing her assertiveness by being a poor example. I worry about what this will mean for her. I’m tired of always putting my needs aside for others. I’m tired of everyone deciding that they know what is best. I’m tired of putting so much pressure on myself to try to match up to expectations. I feel almost an inward anger because I still feel somewhat confined by my behavior patterns the way I used to be confined in relationships. For example I have this friend with whom I feel outrageously competitive with and envy a lot. We take a dance class together and usually do lunch once a week and also go out sometimes at night. She is not outwardly competitive .. really ... its just when I’m with her I feel inadequate somehow. She has a new boyfriend who she just moved in with in a brand new house, she buys clothes from expensive stores and has all the name brands, she has two kids (from a former marriage) but seems to have all this freedom, she is super skinny and always seems to be in a happy, uplifted mood. I always feel less then when I am with her and strive to do something that will put me above her somehow. This feeling REALLY bothers me. What is wrong with me? There just seems to be this undercurrent... I can’t really explain it and I rack my mind to try to figure out what it is. Here’s an example of one thing she did that made me start thinking this way. Her and I went to a fashion show. There was this one dress that I just RAVED about. I LOVED it and kept talking about it that night and in the following week. This was a dress that I could never afford and told her so. So in the next week or so we were having lunch and she says to me “Remember that dress that you really liked” and I said “yes” and she says “Well, I just bought it. It’s sooo nice”. I was pissed. She knew full well how much I like that dress and how I could not afford it. So now I’m thinking maybe I just overreacted and she liked the dress too. Now I’m not so sure. Am I reacting to what she is projecting? I think that whatever energy this girl is giving me is making me react. Like I can’t measure up to her but I will keep trying. Sometimes all this feeling stuff is soooo confusing to me. And I think envy and anger are two feelings I am not comfortable with because they are not “nice” feelings. Envy and anger are not pretty. So I conclude if I am feeling them I must not be a “nice” person. Food for thought.