unconditional love and the monastery

i woke up this morning feeling a raging wave of energy - 

my legs felt punished by my body's powering forward.

I went and took a shower - got some things done up here

then I went down to the church to have some coffee

while service was going on - and then I waited until it was time

to go to morning meal.

I lost myself in those moments while at the church drinking coffee.

but I feel happy and healthy enough to keep on track. I reassured myself

of the man I hope to be - keeping that image in my mind to guide me along

the way of what I hope to be - and also the creative honoring of my life's project of helping others.

I still felt at a loss for all the momentary slights that happen - and

as I sat in the meal - I thought about all the nuns and monastics in the room -
they all seemed less embattled than I did and I tried to understand them.

They all too are taking care of life and keeping it going. They are all taking

care of the monastic life and the things that need to get done around here

and keeping it going. I felt different from them - only in the sense that I was

thinking outside of the box. I felt some acceptance but also some bitterness a vibe of mixing the two.

A mix of the honoring of love - but also the reality of the extremely tenseness

that the folks here are wired with. I felt the vibe within me that I so feel when I see

footage or pics of the vatican and the religious life there. I wasn't at odds with it - but 

my sense of monastic life is growing to accomodate the realities of it.

Am I looking for unconditional life here at the monastery? Am I learning what

that ulitmately means? - it may mean a different kind of acceptance from 'out in the world'

to here in the cloistered environment. I also, despite any kind of judgement they may have

for my independent nature, know that I have to keep on keeping on with my goals and responsibilities

and desired path. They give a lot of attitude for anything outside their realm of their mind's eye.

I think it's a defense mechanism maybe. No matter what you offer or do - with some it's met with

a push back or attitude or both - but perhaps that's life to a certain extent - and perhaps

also the very specific tightly wound nature of the monastics. Things are good. Therapy now! :)