un-nerved
so i am awake at this un-godly hour i only call it that when i was asleep then wake up early this time it was a nightmare the details are gone i do know i was screaming and i woke up doing a whisper scream i am now extremely scared and trembling refusing to go back to sleep i dont know what i will return to if i do alot of the time i go right back to the dream it re-sets or continues R my soon x b-friend first initial then decided he wanted to put his arm around me it made me feel very clausterphobic like i was being held down.i went to the the bathroom then decided to write about this all my nerves are on fight or flight mode trembling on the inside afraid that someone is going to coming busting through and hurt me. i know it is not a rational thing just the effects of the nightmare or was the nightmare like a warning of something to come i have had at times been able to tell when the phone was about to ring and who was calling and would be correct it was like that when my mom died i knew if she got into the semi with her boyfriend she was not coming back alive... she didn't. so i am truly afraid and shaken at this moment remembering how the day went when i was told the news brought to the psych ward admitted by my older brother for safety reasons and told there i didn't take it well and think i got sedated the time after that was all fuzzy i do remember being told that my older brother was the only one who could let me out not even my doctor could let me out it was 2/15/2001 and still feels like i lost her yesterday always has and i am afraid it always will be. i am trying to be strong and not start crying or bawling(never sure which it will be) now i am going to see what is in the fridge a comfort mechanism i'm afraid but i know what it is and why most times i'll probably just have a can of reduced salt soup gotta take care of my heart do not want to have another one it has been 2 years since the first one and i had to have stents put in i am at least alive and it feels like a second chance god granted me so i could change my life around and take it back be the person i always wanted without having to answer to anyone but god and myself.to let myself blossom like i was not encouraged to/allowed to as a child find my nitch in life so off i go to eat soup had fish and cream corn for dinner was not very filling ttly
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