Uh-oh...
The book I am currently reading was getting pretty boring and I was about to stop reading it when I got a tremendous synchronistic shot-in-the-arm! I read into a section about codependency that pretty much decsribes what the problem is for me, and what to stop.
I just finished copying the text on Word so I could share what I found:
True Self and False Self
[Codependency as explained by Donald Winnicott, “The Maturational Process and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Emotional Development” (New York: International Universities Press, 1965) 140-52 as stated in Harvey B. Aronson, book: “Buddhist Practice on Western Ground: Reconciling Eastern Ideals and western Psychology” (Boston: Shambhala Publications, 2004) 134-136.]
Winnicott observed that some parents support their children’s spontaneous self-expression and personal exuberance, which he termed the True Self. He also observed that some parents set up a dynamic with their children whereby the children are informed either overtly or covertly that their behavior must conform to parental expectations or there will be a withdrawal of love and affection. This generates behavior that complies with parental expectations but does not reflect the child’s inner impulses, and therefore he called this the False Self.
More recent researchers doing systematic observation have found that as early as the second half of their second year, children are capable of displaying emotions they are not feeling. In cases where the parent is withdrawn, children can learn to inhibit expression of their own feelings and substitute false positive feelings. In doing so, the children are attempting to purchase the attention of their parent with the reassurances that everyone is happy. Having learned early on that affection does not come easily or predictably, such children become restrained and evasive when their parent does not sporadically attend to them. They want closeness yet fear it, since it has been withdrawn in the past. With care-givers who are hostile or demanding, children learn to how to limit their own desires and do exactly what is demanded of them; they become compulsively compliant. This childhood pattern is often linked with overachievement.
False Self dynamics are not all that uncommon, the reality being that probably few of us have been exposed to completely “good enough” parenting. In adulthood, individuals raised in a way that discourages their own self-expression will be vigilant in observing the social horizon for any lack of approval from others. As psychotherapy clients they will excel at reporting about everyone in their social or family network or addressing their therapist’s needs, but they will often be frustrated by not knowing their own desires. When such individuals look within, they are greeted initially with silence, some sense they have preferences but don’t enact them, or awareness of pressure to attend to the crisis affecting others around them. Often as adults, they try to perform a three-step dance: scanning for what needs to get done, “doing the right thing” to perpetuate approval, and rescanning to see if they succeeded. At core, they may feel that they are not okay, or even feel shame, but if they were just doing enough right things they might elicit consistent approval.
Those who are motivated by such dynamics are perpetually seeking other’s approval. Their generosity is initiated by their need to get something in return. The vast literature on codependency that sprang up in the 1980s describes these issues. The fact that this label has become faddish, glib, and overapplied on TV talk shows in no way negates the painfulness of False Self dynamics and behavior. Although we may not talk about codependency as much as we used to, these issues have not gone away for Buddhist practitioners. What is most difficult is that the anxiety behind False Self behavior is rooted in the earlier desperation of the child seeking approval, and it is thus deep, powerful, and often unconscious.
Repetition Compulsion
How do False Self dynamics play out for those developing love, compassion, generosity, and the altruistic aspiration to enlightenment?
Our motivations are complex. We may be attracted in a very reasons, mature way to the traditional vision of developing universal love, and at the same time we may take up such a spiritual practice in part to please a “surrogate parent”, the teacher, and thereby receive his or her admiration and blessings.
If what moves us is the frustrated need for validating attention of an adult, we may be creating a situation that is sure to fail. It is natural to feel yearning toward teachers as if they were our parents and to see other members of the community as either supportive or obstructive siblings or relatives. But what do we do with our disappointments, upsets, and sibling jealousies? To the extent that they have not been resolved, what often occur in spiritual organizations are intense re-creations of childhood dynamics – conflicts, departures, and incomprehensible emotional pain.
Although Freud’s work has certainly come in for reevaluations, his identification of the repetition compulsion attests to the acuity of his observations of human behavior. Over and over, in spiritual settings and in therapy, we engage in new situations hoping for better endings to old stories. We compulsively repeat. What is so confounding is that we look forward to a different outcome but re-create in some measure the psychological components that prevented the happy ending to begin with. We are motivated by an unacknowledged wish to repair the past through the present. If we experienced deep disappointments in childhood, the sad reality is that even if a teacher were moved by compassion to offer all the love the time and love we seek, we are no longer children. Time and love we lost as a child cannot be replaced. When students face frustration with one teacher, they often move on to another teacher or a different group, motivated by a vague hope of finding that one teacher who will finally fulfill their inner longing and heal their wounds. Unfortunately, however much attention we get as adults will never be enough due to the nature of our unresolved pain. Without emotionally working through our pain, our contact with others may make us temporarily feel better, but we will not get better. Emotional wounds experienced at a parent’s hands may prevent us from seeing our parents as the touchstone for our deepening appreciation of others.
Practicing Generosity
If our desire to give is linked to the recipient’s response to our gift, we may be seeking emotional gratification (approval) for ourselves rather than offering a gift in a pure spirit of generosity. Both the Buddhist and the therapeutic traditions would agree that we are on solid ground if we are clear that our giving does not expect something in return.
To the extent that we unconsciously act out of False Self dynamics, we do not listen to ourselves but anticipate something from others. When look outward in this way, we do not pay attention to our own motivations or reactions until we are overwhelmed. Due to unfulfilled earlier needs, we may engage in activity that is really beyond our capacity. If we find that compassionate activity is followed by feelings of rage or despair, it may be a clue to unresolved earlier issues.
To the extent that we are conscious of our motivations, we are more able to make informed choices. Once we begin the process of attending to and validating our sensations and feelings, we can slowly reverse the False Self process.
This whole "approval" thing really insight makes a big difference. I can see all the times I've used approval-seeking in the past, how disastorous it has been, and how I use it now. I instantly harmonized with the descriptors. I've used it for sex, marriage, jobs, EVERYTHING!!! At the moment, it explains all my current anxieites and fears. "I dread writing my resume' because I know I'll want approval, and I won't get it; as a result of that repetition compulsion for approval that I can never get."
Amazing!
I just finished copying the text on Word so I could share what I found:
True Self and False Self
[Codependency as explained by Donald Winnicott, “The Maturational Process and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Emotional Development” (New York: International Universities Press, 1965) 140-52 as stated in Harvey B. Aronson, book: “Buddhist Practice on Western Ground: Reconciling Eastern Ideals and western Psychology” (Boston: Shambhala Publications, 2004) 134-136.]
Winnicott observed that some parents support their children’s spontaneous self-expression and personal exuberance, which he termed the True Self. He also observed that some parents set up a dynamic with their children whereby the children are informed either overtly or covertly that their behavior must conform to parental expectations or there will be a withdrawal of love and affection. This generates behavior that complies with parental expectations but does not reflect the child’s inner impulses, and therefore he called this the False Self.
More recent researchers doing systematic observation have found that as early as the second half of their second year, children are capable of displaying emotions they are not feeling. In cases where the parent is withdrawn, children can learn to inhibit expression of their own feelings and substitute false positive feelings. In doing so, the children are attempting to purchase the attention of their parent with the reassurances that everyone is happy. Having learned early on that affection does not come easily or predictably, such children become restrained and evasive when their parent does not sporadically attend to them. They want closeness yet fear it, since it has been withdrawn in the past. With care-givers who are hostile or demanding, children learn to how to limit their own desires and do exactly what is demanded of them; they become compulsively compliant. This childhood pattern is often linked with overachievement.
False Self dynamics are not all that uncommon, the reality being that probably few of us have been exposed to completely “good enough” parenting. In adulthood, individuals raised in a way that discourages their own self-expression will be vigilant in observing the social horizon for any lack of approval from others. As psychotherapy clients they will excel at reporting about everyone in their social or family network or addressing their therapist’s needs, but they will often be frustrated by not knowing their own desires. When such individuals look within, they are greeted initially with silence, some sense they have preferences but don’t enact them, or awareness of pressure to attend to the crisis affecting others around them. Often as adults, they try to perform a three-step dance: scanning for what needs to get done, “doing the right thing” to perpetuate approval, and rescanning to see if they succeeded. At core, they may feel that they are not okay, or even feel shame, but if they were just doing enough right things they might elicit consistent approval.
Those who are motivated by such dynamics are perpetually seeking other’s approval. Their generosity is initiated by their need to get something in return. The vast literature on codependency that sprang up in the 1980s describes these issues. The fact that this label has become faddish, glib, and overapplied on TV talk shows in no way negates the painfulness of False Self dynamics and behavior. Although we may not talk about codependency as much as we used to, these issues have not gone away for Buddhist practitioners. What is most difficult is that the anxiety behind False Self behavior is rooted in the earlier desperation of the child seeking approval, and it is thus deep, powerful, and often unconscious.
Repetition Compulsion
How do False Self dynamics play out for those developing love, compassion, generosity, and the altruistic aspiration to enlightenment?
Our motivations are complex. We may be attracted in a very reasons, mature way to the traditional vision of developing universal love, and at the same time we may take up such a spiritual practice in part to please a “surrogate parent”, the teacher, and thereby receive his or her admiration and blessings.
If what moves us is the frustrated need for validating attention of an adult, we may be creating a situation that is sure to fail. It is natural to feel yearning toward teachers as if they were our parents and to see other members of the community as either supportive or obstructive siblings or relatives. But what do we do with our disappointments, upsets, and sibling jealousies? To the extent that they have not been resolved, what often occur in spiritual organizations are intense re-creations of childhood dynamics – conflicts, departures, and incomprehensible emotional pain.
Although Freud’s work has certainly come in for reevaluations, his identification of the repetition compulsion attests to the acuity of his observations of human behavior. Over and over, in spiritual settings and in therapy, we engage in new situations hoping for better endings to old stories. We compulsively repeat. What is so confounding is that we look forward to a different outcome but re-create in some measure the psychological components that prevented the happy ending to begin with. We are motivated by an unacknowledged wish to repair the past through the present. If we experienced deep disappointments in childhood, the sad reality is that even if a teacher were moved by compassion to offer all the love the time and love we seek, we are no longer children. Time and love we lost as a child cannot be replaced. When students face frustration with one teacher, they often move on to another teacher or a different group, motivated by a vague hope of finding that one teacher who will finally fulfill their inner longing and heal their wounds. Unfortunately, however much attention we get as adults will never be enough due to the nature of our unresolved pain. Without emotionally working through our pain, our contact with others may make us temporarily feel better, but we will not get better. Emotional wounds experienced at a parent’s hands may prevent us from seeing our parents as the touchstone for our deepening appreciation of others.
Practicing Generosity
If our desire to give is linked to the recipient’s response to our gift, we may be seeking emotional gratification (approval) for ourselves rather than offering a gift in a pure spirit of generosity. Both the Buddhist and the therapeutic traditions would agree that we are on solid ground if we are clear that our giving does not expect something in return.
To the extent that we unconsciously act out of False Self dynamics, we do not listen to ourselves but anticipate something from others. When look outward in this way, we do not pay attention to our own motivations or reactions until we are overwhelmed. Due to unfulfilled earlier needs, we may engage in activity that is really beyond our capacity. If we find that compassionate activity is followed by feelings of rage or despair, it may be a clue to unresolved earlier issues.
To the extent that we are conscious of our motivations, we are more able to make informed choices. Once we begin the process of attending to and validating our sensations and feelings, we can slowly reverse the False Self process.
This whole "approval" thing really insight makes a big difference. I can see all the times I've used approval-seeking in the past, how disastorous it has been, and how I use it now. I instantly harmonized with the descriptors. I've used it for sex, marriage, jobs, EVERYTHING!!! At the moment, it explains all my current anxieites and fears. "I dread writing my resume' because I know I'll want approval, and I won't get it; as a result of that repetition compulsion for approval that I can never get."
Amazing!
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