ugh

Every time it feels like im back on track, something bulldozes me straight back into the hole i spent so long crawling out of.

I thought i was doing just fine with managing my pain as best i could, especially since ive cut out gluten and stuff but that some how made me feel worse. Its been 2weeks and ive had the same hip pain and its driving me mad. Its now moved to my lower back and right side. So that now makes it my right hip, lower back and right leg. I feel so lost.

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I really wish i could right something positive but i just dont know how to express anything like that right now. I mean, good are happening around me but when good happens, bad also follows. Example; Good: My boyfriend got a new job, he's happy and im happy for him. Bad: I haven't seen him all week longer than 3minutes. sounds like a lie, but im not kidding. I told him before he started that it would effect our relationship since he is working longer hours and its now mon-fri, sometimes a saturday.

Its already taking affect. I have no idea when he gets home because he doesnt talk to me anymore. so thats been fun. Im just at a loss. It felt like our relationship has been on the line for the last couple of months, is this the thing thats going to push it to the end? I don't know, we dont talk. :(

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I cried in the shower. I have no idea what about though.

Could it have been about the pain im in. Mental and physical.

Or is it just because I feel so alone and no matter what i do, i can't seem to shake the feeling.

I feel so lost, confused and angry. I have no idea why. All i want to do is sleep to avoid feeling this way and I dont want to eat because i just start feeling bad about myself and Its not a feeling i understand. Is the depression getting that bad again that I actually haven't noticed it creep back up?

I dont know. Because i dont know anything anymore. I want to scream and yell and cry and rip all my hair out at the same time.

I cant tell anyone around me, they don't care. Just like i cant tell anyone when im in pain because i get told not to complain??? I dont know, I feel like im going in a circle and i want it to stop. Im dizzy now.