uggg...the guilt....
Another weekend, gone, besides the poison ivy making me feel miserable...had a short chat with my youngest daughter, Tia, on friday. Started good....then went to her telling me how bad a judgement it was for me to move so far away(45 miles), how hard it was to have 2 parents and neither are helping support her(her dad lives in the town she's at), and i should pull my head out of my ass and get my husband to help some.....tssssssssss. I feel bad enough for the choice i made, i should have stayed closer. But there's nothing i can do about that now. Have a 30 yr mortgage now! And it is my fault i dont have a license or a job and can't help as much as she needs/i want. I do a lot of surveys and make some $$ and i sent her money when i can, also when she visits, i try to have some $$ to give her. I also give her material things/food when she's here. At this point there is nothing more i can do. Her father has Spinal Bifia and chose construction long ago as a lifelong proffesion. He made a bad choice too. His back keeps him down alot so that affects his job, then add on the economy....... But, he too, helps with what he can. Gets her groceries occassionally, plus she eats there sometimes. In the back of my head the thought that Tia has made her own choices and must live with them the best of her abiliy, is there. She chooses not to live with her father, who lives 1 block from the school she is attending and to where she catches the bus to LCC in the early AM. She chooses not to live with me&my husband, a mile done the road from a High School. She stays with her older sister, Jamie, and Jamie's b/f. She lived with her b/f for about 6 months but went back to Jamie's. Also she was out of school for over a year, had quit twice. Am glad she is finally back to school and forcing herself to go. She said she realizes she cant get a job without finishing school. She's in the Alternative Education to get her diploma.It's a much more relaxed atmosphere and also they gave her the opportunity to get credits by going to LCC(Lansing Community College). She is taking Criminal Justice and really likes it. Talks of becoming a lawyer or something. So happy she is going for it. She has her days though, where she hates the world and pissy with everyone. Have to say I feel fully responsible for her mental wellbeing. I was not a good mother. I wouldnt have wished a mother like me for anyone. I was horrible. I was living in my own hell and had no right to have the beautiful daughters i did. The drink was more important than anything most the time. I made a lot of big mistakes and regret that whole time period. Wish i could go back and do it all again!!!!! So bad!!!!!! Makes me sooooo sad. I can only imagine the pain and heartache i have truly installed into my girls......... So...the guilt of it all weights heavily...makes me sometimes just want to curl up and f*cking die. Then i think of the pain i will put on the girls for doing that.......man life is hard...
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