Two Years - Rape (Trigger Warning)

Hi, 

I am new to this site but have had the intention of reaching out for some support for a while now.. it has just felt a bit too much to take that first step. 

First of all, here is a bit of my backstory;

A few years ago I met a guy at the uni I was attending and we ended up dating for a year and a half and living together. To not go into too much detail as quite frankly my brain as shut a lot of it out. However, he was controlling, manipulative and obssessed with sex. We would have to have sex every single day at least... whether I wanted to or not. He would make me feel insecure and compare me to other women and spin lies to constantly keep me surpressed. It was constant mental games to keep me under his control and he would regularly force me to have sex. When we did have sex, I would have to play by his rules and if I dare said it hurt (which it did) he would lose it and start blaming me and making it out as if there was something wrong with me because I was in pain. It eventually got to the point where I was so warn down I just gave in and let him do as he wished - I was a shell. He would keep me from seeing my family and he gradually cut off all of my friends, however, one night I met two incredible people as my ex left me at an event (because he couldn't get a drink -_- ) and this was the moment my life changed. These two increible people could tell something wasn't right and they helped me escape my situation. I ended my relationship with my ex... feeling lost, confused and crazily enough I didn't even realise that he had been raping me continously for a year and a half until about two months after. I remember it hit me and flooded in. At that moment, I just turned off... for months, completely numb. I stopped eating, sleeping, began drinking more and I cut off every relationship around me except for the two amazing people who saved me. I had no where to live as I was living in my ex's apartment so my two new pals took me in and looked after me. I still live with them now and to this day, I feel so lucky, as I think without them I doubt I'd be here.

For the first year after the rape realisation, I self-harmed; had such high levels of anxiety I couldn't go anywhere alone, had constant flashbacks, most of the time I was so depressed I couldn't bare to smile and if I was left alone for five minutes I was spiral down into such a low point all I could think about was killing myself. I struggled looking at myself in the mirror as I didn't recognise my own face and my whole memory dissapeared to the point that I knew I was meant to love my family but somehow couldn't remember why or understand my connection with them.

Now, two years on, I am in a much better place but I do find that sometimes I feel extremely alone with it. Family and friends were amazing when it was all at its peak but I do find that now I am capable of going through the day, I can never find the right moment to talk about it but I do feel like I need to. The thing is, now it doesn't crush me like it did, which means I can function but also, it means its just easier to hide the pain now. It still really hurts me but I find I understand those feelings less now. I still can't remember a lot of my life before which makes it hard to tackle those emotions and feelings. I am also still living in the same city that it all happened in which makes it hard to enjoy my time here. I recently had to graduate in the same room as my ex - my rapist. I had to walk up on stage and accept my award in what was meant to be the proudest moment of my life but instead was overshadow by his prescense. It was so hard. I got through it but it affected me a lot. It's been a month or so since my graduation and I am back to myself, but I do feel like sometimes like there is a lot unresolved and I just really want a release for all of those emotions.  

This is a condensed version of what had happened but I was just really hoping to find others to talk to that have been through similar situations. I feel like there is a lot of support when it first happens but there isn't much information on what happens in the later stages of recovery...