Two years...
I posted this on Facebook today:
Two years ago today, the bottom fell out of my world. I said goodbye to Rob and watched as he kissed Charlotte and said, "You know your Grandpa loves you?" Then, just before lunch, I was feeding Charlotte when I got the call that was the beginning of the end. There was such panic in Stephanie's voice as she said, "Mom...something's wrong with Dad." Even as I was running to the hall a few blocks away, I kept thinking this was something that would pass. By that night, things would be normal. He would have just fainted from the heat, and because he was so overtired. A bit of fluid and bedrest and he would be fine. In a few days, it would all be just a memory as we went back on with our lives. That was not to be as the longest, worst 7 days of my life unfolded before me. Two years ago, I could not even imagine how I was going to go on without him in my life. I couldn't even picture my life 2 years from then. It was inconceivable to me that I would never have him holding me and hugging me, or would never hear his laugh ever again. He was never going to see his beloved "Miss Charlotte" evolving into the wonderful little girl that she is. He was going to miss out on all those little milestones. Even now, when I see her doing something that makes me laugh, I can only imagine hearing him laugh out loud at all her little antics. Two years ago, I didn't know how I was going to survive. I didn't know how I was ever going to move past the pain and feeling of loss. So, now I sit here, amazed that I did it. There are still private tears and days where the loss is so profound that I don't want to even get out of bed. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of him and miss him, but I think I have come to the point where the grief does not overwhelm me as it once did. I can think of him with a smile and remember the silly moments without tears and regrets for what I have lost. I can feel grateful that I had him in my life for 23 years even as I regret that it wasn't 50 years. I still look at elderly couples walking hand in hand and feel bad that we never had the chance to get to that point, but I can also look at young couples starting out and remember when our love was so new and exciting, and we had all those plans of a life together. It has been slow, and at the time, I didn't feel the changes happening, but I know healing has taken place to a certain degree. There is still a very thin layer covering the wound as it heals, and there are moments when that layer gets peeled away to the raw and painful sore that's lurking in my heart below, but I know that eventually, it will be healed, and only a small scar will remain as a reminder that I was blessed to have loved and been loved by a very special man whose passing left its mark on me forever.
Two years ago today, the bottom fell out of my world. I said goodbye to Rob and watched as he kissed Charlotte and said, "You know your Grandpa loves you?" Then, just before lunch, I was feeding Charlotte when I got the call that was the beginning of the end. There was such panic in Stephanie's voice as she said, "Mom...something's wrong with Dad." Even as I was running to the hall a few blocks away, I kept thinking this was something that would pass. By that night, things would be normal. He would have just fainted from the heat, and because he was so overtired. A bit of fluid and bedrest and he would be fine. In a few days, it would all be just a memory as we went back on with our lives. That was not to be as the longest, worst 7 days of my life unfolded before me. Two years ago, I could not even imagine how I was going to go on without him in my life. I couldn't even picture my life 2 years from then. It was inconceivable to me that I would never have him holding me and hugging me, or would never hear his laugh ever again. He was never going to see his beloved "Miss Charlotte" evolving into the wonderful little girl that she is. He was going to miss out on all those little milestones. Even now, when I see her doing something that makes me laugh, I can only imagine hearing him laugh out loud at all her little antics. Two years ago, I didn't know how I was going to survive. I didn't know how I was ever going to move past the pain and feeling of loss. So, now I sit here, amazed that I did it. There are still private tears and days where the loss is so profound that I don't want to even get out of bed. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of him and miss him, but I think I have come to the point where the grief does not overwhelm me as it once did. I can think of him with a smile and remember the silly moments without tears and regrets for what I have lost. I can feel grateful that I had him in my life for 23 years even as I regret that it wasn't 50 years. I still look at elderly couples walking hand in hand and feel bad that we never had the chance to get to that point, but I can also look at young couples starting out and remember when our love was so new and exciting, and we had all those plans of a life together. It has been slow, and at the time, I didn't feel the changes happening, but I know healing has taken place to a certain degree. There is still a very thin layer covering the wound as it heals, and there are moments when that layer gets peeled away to the raw and painful sore that's lurking in my heart below, but I know that eventually, it will be healed, and only a small scar will remain as a reminder that I was blessed to have loved and been loved by a very special man whose passing left its mark on me forever.
Replies