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Ive been fighting the urges to cut a lot lately. Work has been horrible to deal with along with life in general. Ive been so irritated and been dealing with moments of rage and feelings of violence. Im not surprised that I cut today but Im not happy about it. To be honest I was happy about it for a few moments because it truly calmed me down. It was the release I needed but a part of me wishes I could find that release another, safer way. For all who read this please try not to worry, I promise I didn't cut too deep and I am not suicidal. Anyone who knows me knows I don't make promises unless I truly mean them and can back it up. In a weird way I feel like doing this is helping me in the fight to stay alive. I really am more calm right now, the aggression, anger and irritation are gone for the moment. Who knows for how long but it was these emotions that were ganging up on me and beating me down…..turning me into a more unstable person. In a way Im telling my story through the scares on my body, a story of pain and struggles….instability and the reality of a mentally sick person. Im looking forward to a happy chapter in this story….please….anytime now….a happy chapter would be fucking nice thank you very much.
Replies
Oh Pagan, I can relate so so much to this. I could\'ve written this journal last night (minus the cutting, but I was pretty damn close to it). I know that feeling of needing a release and then regretting it afterwards, I know it very well. Thank you for promising that you didn\'t cut too deep or that you\'re not suicidal, and I can totally understand how it\'s helping you stay alive. I\'ve thought that too-- that our scars tell the story of us. I hope you get that happy chapter soon. I\'m glad that you\'re more calm for the time being, hang in there.
Thanks joneszy, Im sorry that you feel as if you could have written this only because its not a very nice journal entry talking about dark things. I am glad to hear you didn\'t cut. Who knows when that \"happy\" chapter will come.
You\'re welcome Pagan. True, it is about dark thoughts, but life isn\'t always about butterflies and glitter, ya know? I hope that those dark thoughts don\'t creep back up on you too soon. I\'m glad I didn\'t cut too, but I kind of feel like the feeling is still there, minus the rage. I really hope you get that happy chapter soon, you deserve it.
Hi Pagan, I just want to say hi and give my support. I don\'t cut so I don\'t really understand, but as an ex-addict, I know about my need for release. Life is hard :/ Hugs.
Big, big ((hugs)) One day at a time, Pagan; and your count down is down to 10 days. Try to be safe and gentle with yourself today. Maybe we\'ll talk later.
I\'m sorry you were feeling this way and I hope today can be a little bit better and tomorrow even better yet. I don\'t \'cut\' but I understand the feeling of deep sorrow and depths of sadness. I try to channel it into writing and art and creative stuff as often as I can. Sending hugs and support your way.