*TW* Childhood Memories
I watched a film last night called "The perks of being a wallflower". I can normally cope with things to do with sexual abuse but it caught me at a time when I wasn't expecting it, and given that my Mr lost his job on Friday, I was emotionally unprepared. The way they portrayed the lead character reminded myself completely of me. The way he would remember events in short, choppy glimpses. The way that they would haunt him once he'd remembered them. It made me remember a few things, and I feel I need to write about what happened, (Or at least what I remember of it) just to get it out of me.
What I've always been able to remember is the event that got us out of there.
When my mum decided to go back to work, she decided to use a child minder to look after us. We would go to her house every day while our mum went to work. She was lovely, and we were with her from the moment that our mum went back to work after maternity leave. She was always there, I remember on the first day my sister went to school, she was comforting her when she was scared.
Our child minder had a son. He was thirteen when we left, my sister, five, was quite attached to him, and they would play on the floor while watching TV. He would sneak into the kitchen with us and give us sweets. He would love to tickle her. As I was smaller, at just three, he wouldn't tickle me as much. I was always quite shy, so I would stay with my sister as much as possible, but on that day there must have been something good on tv. All I remember is that at some point I wondered where she was. I went to the kitchen looking for her and as I stood in the doorway, I saw her stood in front of me, him, on his knees in front of her. Kissing her. Not how a carer kisses their child, but how a man kisses an adult woman. He had one hand on her waist, one hand on her chin. A feeling coursed through me when he did this, it was a feeling that still courses through me when someone is lying or is being a pervert, even today. I felt physically sick and just knew that something was very very wrong. Nothing up until that point had made me truly think it, but the kiss sent alarm bells going.
On the way home that evening, when I was in the car. I told my mum what I'd seen. My sister was quiet, and didn't mention anything, I assume he'd told her not to, though, I've never asked. We never went back to that childminders again.
It's the other memories that are drip fed to me that are the most disturbing. I remember the tickling, I remember his hands all over me. I remember things he did, that, when you're a child, seem completely innocent. I now know they weren't. That is the disturbing part. I know now what he was probably thinking, and that is the most disturbing part of all.
I still can't trust anyone, and people always say it's sad that I can't. I keep all people at arms length until I've known them inside and out for a large amount of time. I always think the worst of people, and wonder what they want out of me. It makes it difficult to talk about what is bothering me, and to show people who I really am. In truth, I'm not completely ungrateful for this, it has meant I have been wiser about things at a much younger age. I had to grow up when I was three years old, and have had a giant instinct to protect people ever since, but I have never been naive to the wantings of men. I have never been caught out since.
What I've always been able to remember is the event that got us out of there.
When my mum decided to go back to work, she decided to use a child minder to look after us. We would go to her house every day while our mum went to work. She was lovely, and we were with her from the moment that our mum went back to work after maternity leave. She was always there, I remember on the first day my sister went to school, she was comforting her when she was scared.
Our child minder had a son. He was thirteen when we left, my sister, five, was quite attached to him, and they would play on the floor while watching TV. He would sneak into the kitchen with us and give us sweets. He would love to tickle her. As I was smaller, at just three, he wouldn't tickle me as much. I was always quite shy, so I would stay with my sister as much as possible, but on that day there must have been something good on tv. All I remember is that at some point I wondered where she was. I went to the kitchen looking for her and as I stood in the doorway, I saw her stood in front of me, him, on his knees in front of her. Kissing her. Not how a carer kisses their child, but how a man kisses an adult woman. He had one hand on her waist, one hand on her chin. A feeling coursed through me when he did this, it was a feeling that still courses through me when someone is lying or is being a pervert, even today. I felt physically sick and just knew that something was very very wrong. Nothing up until that point had made me truly think it, but the kiss sent alarm bells going.
On the way home that evening, when I was in the car. I told my mum what I'd seen. My sister was quiet, and didn't mention anything, I assume he'd told her not to, though, I've never asked. We never went back to that childminders again.
It's the other memories that are drip fed to me that are the most disturbing. I remember the tickling, I remember his hands all over me. I remember things he did, that, when you're a child, seem completely innocent. I now know they weren't. That is the disturbing part. I know now what he was probably thinking, and that is the most disturbing part of all.
I still can't trust anyone, and people always say it's sad that I can't. I keep all people at arms length until I've known them inside and out for a large amount of time. I always think the worst of people, and wonder what they want out of me. It makes it difficult to talk about what is bothering me, and to show people who I really am. In truth, I'm not completely ungrateful for this, it has meant I have been wiser about things at a much younger age. I had to grow up when I was three years old, and have had a giant instinct to protect people ever since, but I have never been naive to the wantings of men. I have never been caught out since.
Replies
Wow! Honey that\'s Alot to take in and deal w/ at such a very young age. I too have had things happen to me/ things being done to me at a young age. And it wasnt until I was older and saw a movie about incest that I had a flashback and remembered it. I know that I was too young at the time to know what was happening or why. But when The sh*# hit the fan I was a basket case. Needless to say I was in therapy on and off for years. So anyway ff to today so b/c of All this sh*# that happened to me. I too find it hard to trust and to let people in. In fact I\'m it seems always testing people\'s friendship. So anyway I digress when it comes to uncomfortable situations I have a Radar that goes off in me. I guess \" it\'s the flight for life \" response. Whenever I\'m wary of someone/ or in a bad situation. You name the kind of Abuse and it\'s happened to me in fact it continues to happen to me. I\'m so sorry that I wrote a book. I just wanted you to know that I understand.And if you ever want/ need to talk you can pm me. Ok? Take Care and God Bless (((( hugs))))