turtle time
head down, legs in, arms in, shell hard. definitely in turtle mode.
feel like i flunked real world 101. some of it is alright, some of it is a big dissapointment. i have expectatons and expectations are not very realistic huh.
sigh, sigh, sigh.......sit up straighter you sweet little turtle.
don't give up. knock that T off the word can't........good advice......i just don't feel very strong.
not meshing with others. trying to hard? not hard enough. all i know is that i feel like not calling them right now even though in my grade school girl heart of heart i wish they were calling me........as in hey are you alright? as in hey, wanna do this with me? it can't all be one sided.
i know i have to stop dwelling on this crappity crap. do something that makes your mind ---- fill with life. a chore, a project........something not about your insecurities. please hear me through your own messy fog of worry. illness shakes a lot up inside the mind and body of a person. illness, past troubles......alot of alone time. i look out my window and see sunshine, pretty plants on my patio, bright colors......shade outlining the whole yard. very pretty......well done God! well done!
i made this savory winter potato porridge this morning......potatoes, onion, beef, gravy.......it's tastier than it looks and gets me out of a few days of cooking. i add jello, fresh fruit, sliced tomatoes as sides.....that sort of thing to make it balanced. just took a shower, love that fresh green apple smell of my shampoo.......lovely.
the new housekeeper Stella is very nice. she came for the first time yesterday and took great care of my nest. happy to have found her......she is a bright light, very thoughtful and i feel at ease with her. i got my vacuum cleaner fixed and picked that up yesterday as well.......they pulled this ucky bunch of dirty mess outta there, what a jam......no wonder that hoover couldn't do it's job. they showed me the dirty gray bunch of dirty mess so i could see........the bottom roller brush couldn't work cause all that stuff was stuffed in there........but it's looking great, all cleaned up with suction power out the wazoo! yay.
i have nothing to do anyone with any time in the near future. i have projects here to do and need the strength and mental attitude to get started. we've had tremendous rain here of late, so i haven't been able to work outside. yesterday in between showers i restacked the cushions along one side of the driveway.....noted which ones need seam repair......drug the outdoor table outside, need the oooomph to set it up, it takes both hands and feet to snap it into place and flip it. help.........
once it's up, i plan to use a mixture of bleach, soap and hot water to scrub those cushions down. more sun time......then i need to lay out to large plastic drop clothes on the ground, more help needed........after that it means time to paint. dry, paint some more for a few days, then once the cushion paint arrives i'll start painting the cushions. if it goes well i may paint my canvas patio umbrellas. sound kooky? to me as well..........the sun drains color out of those umbrellas, i have one red and one yellow.......if i paint them they will look brand new bright and cheery again. if i can paint outdoor furniture why not the umbrellas???
i can make my home look loved and comfy and i can keep myself clean and tidy and looked after.......anything after that is extra.
i need time to pray and heal from my self worry self doubt puddle of recent times. most of my life i've been a very confident curious little duck........so many interests that there wasn't any time to be such a dork. it's still here inside me, but this latest attempt to grow more pals has left me feeling shaky.
it may only be in my head, but then again maybe not.........if i'm the only one calling i need to stop and see if they will call me for a change. that seems like a way to tell......
time sensitive honey do......get a new medical form signed by my doc saying i'm 100% permanently disabled forever.......the county says they need one from the last three years, my form from 2013 stating this is not acceptable to them, does that only seem silly to me? this means i had to get the form from their office......but what they don't volunteer is that it's not available online, they just say they need it. they don't say they only have it inhouse and you have to bring it up.........so UNHELPFUL. i finally got the form and now i have to take it to my rheumy's office, get her to fill it out and sign it then get alice the office manager to notarize it then take it to the big courthouse and give it to them so they CAN'T say they didn't get it. they have made this a lot more difficult than it had to be.....in my next life i will come up with a chip that slides into the brains of those doing customer service and teach them to be HELPFUL and KIND.
later gator.....love, love love to you........pretty yellow butterflies are flying in as i finish this........love the way they flit and flutter!
one of the sweet pea babies is six inches tall today. growing so fast!
Replies
Hugs, Ruthie. Your outdoor furniture project sounds like a lot of work, but you are going to have great results that will be enjoyable for years. Is the patio umbrella some type of fabric? I’m not too crafty; is there fabric paint available that holds up to the outdoor elements? Hopefully.
I, too, spend a lot of time processing my interactions. We have a lot of time on our hands and self doubt crowds in. The only thing I would say about waiting for your new friends to call you rather than you calling them - some people are just better at initiating contact than others. I think you’d get a more accurate picture of their interest in a relationship with you based on their response to your calls. If they’re not answering or returning your calls, or if they never want to get together, than there’s an issue. Otherwise, it may just be a lifelong habit of letting others reach out first.
I’m glad you found Stella!
Hello Serce. I think its lovely that your new housekeeper is fitting in nicely and that your home is clean and tidy. A good shower with some wonderful scents are always uplifting too Your painting project sounds good and I hope you get some help with those things. Your dinner soup sounds delish. I have been making three bean salads for summer side dishes. Its okay in my book to talk about your frustrations. I don't feel you are dwelling on them. just expressing. and its hard getting out into life these days. Hooray for a free schedule. just you and your kitty. Hugs ♥ and greenies
Hi dear Ruthie. Stella sounds liks a good cleaner...the vibe is clear madame Sparrow. Just giving you a free reading here from paradise lol! It's out there....paradise...but I'm crashed like a dead old chook in bed again. Oh dear. Such an exciting life. ..could never have imagined such an exciting life lol!! Yesterday I went out and tried to be a bright little social butterfly. I nearly wiped myself out totally. My mind was willing but this body got the sack today. I was supposed to be working on my stall in the rainforest, but now it will be netflix. There might be something I haven't watched.
I have to pay wages out again. I have such an expensive body..oh my.
OK..this is not your journal Di...it's Ruthie blue eyes journal...The Famous DS Sparrow !! I think it's great that you get it together and do lots of little creative projects. I just do the mundane little duties. I'm in a rental though. The landlord must love that we're paying off one of his investment, properties for his retirement. How did I end up like this... ? .So I'm not so inspired about this place because it's not mine. I miss my beautiful garden that I had.
Oh well...I have a place to live in...for now anyway. Blah blah blah.
Hey Ruthie...make the people wait. Why should you have to chase them. Maybe MB is right though. It does depend on the right kind of reciprocation. It's a hard one...trying to work out people and build relationships. Maybe give it some time and work on the universal law of attraction and call out loud...CALL ME ! Then expect the response from the request. Too hippy trippy ?
Love you Ruthie.
Hello, Ruthie, my dear. I read an author who called that deep internal processing "morbid introspection." I guess it can get to that point. It's good to be self-aware, but we tend to go too far sometimes, don't we? I'm too tired to think, so that's what has been sparing me the "morbid introspection." Otherwise I would be all over it. Love you, girl.