turning those feelings of futility around, written yesterday

God willing this journal has value. I'm hoping this journal helps someone

and so I am trying to explain how I found that I was able to turn

around my feelings of futility, of senseless lack of value and 'get a move on' with some creative

projects..

It's kind of a semblance of 'pumping myself up' so to speak like I do when I get to work at the market - but this is a more thoughtful version of it :).

I think essentially by putting my best foot forward, staying in the moment and mindful and  'trusting myself' and my own judgement along with using a set of self critical parameters (that might act like a stepping stone)

I will find my own voice ......

and be ready to discourse with others' the reactions to what I create. My therapist

suggested to me that when I create things, peoples' reactions to the art may be an opportunity to learn too.

I suppose this nugget of wisdom for me is just like, or along the lines of, altering or changing my perspective or attitude from one of woe and a "feeling of weakness" and unsustainability - to finding inner resources so as to rebound from the depths of the futility and move forward with productive and positive action.

Another way to try and say it plainly - I was sitting on the couch and self belief eluded me - and something about the emptiness

and fatigue and the go go energy within me all combined to a 'finding of only fault with myself', such an emptiness and an endless unapeasable need and impossible lack of satisfaction.

I don't know if you guys experience something like this ever. When I am with others I can feel strong or at least buoyant and happy - and sometimes when I am alone too - just when left

to my own devices at times though I can feel so incredibly whispy thin and without a great deal of courage or agency ....

In some ways I think today's experience was also a reaction to the major issues that have come up lately in my life that I have not

spoken about here ....

and it is also probably happening because I am tired (from the stress of said issues) along with the nuttiness that comes when I am not fully occupied with activity as I said...

So it's the combination of things that brings this on the sense of need. I'm asking myself why? and what do I do to keep on keeping on?

So, I sat there on the couch and felt powerless to look above the deep fathomless need and put forth

my own voice in the world...

When I feel just isolated and hard pressed to take a move in any direction (like I've talked about 

on a number of occasions) my answer has seemed to be to rely on others

to give me my own context - or tasks and routines and that remains an essential, wonderful, loved staple of life for me...

- What I am coming to know now is that in my professional and personal life I have to give myself my

own sense of context in some regards....and seek the personal power of my own trajectory...

Just to say it yet again, I guess what I am coming to see is that I am finding the first step forwards of believing in my own voice is by giving myself some touchstones of

a personal set of self criticism to provide guidelines - guide rails so to speak... like some 'stepping stones'

....like a set of training wheels...

to help me 'write' with a kind of known assuredness, 'what I mean to write', or 'create what I mean to create', - rather than only digging deep. There's always room for discovery along the way in the metaphysical process of creation.... and yet I can still see that when I'm pushing forth with what I create,  that I will be putting myself in 

a vulnerability no matter what I am attempt to do. The 'training wheels' will have me ready to have already been circumspect and the process of argument already initiated...make sense?

So I have said this a countless times before... One step at a time...be ready to have a discourse about what I do

and remember to learn as you go - and use those training wheels so to speak to prop you up when you need

a point of departure for your independent work...

And so as I said I feel like I can say about this

sense of futility that I have at times can be turned around with a sense of my own measured

reaction and synthesis of my experience. Believe in the way you are in the world and start the conversation. :)