turning point

my baby's name was xavier.  he died.  he was 12 weeks and 5 days old.  he died inter-uterine.  i dont know y but i think his death represented the end of my marriage.  i finally accepted that its just not meant to be.  id like it 2 b but its not.  i started the day thinking that death would be better than change.  i wrote a letter 2 my children.  i collected all the drugs in the house and i hypothesized about wht wld b most likely to kill me and not have me awaken in a psyche hospital.  i fell asleep trying to decide what to take.  and when i woke up i had an encouraging message from a sisterfriend.  explaining that my marriage is already over and its time 4 me 2 let it go.  and maybe its not love that keeps me in it but fear.  fear of change.  so i put away the drugs and figured id give change a try and i had 2 admit that i really want 2 b happily married but not necessarily 2 my husband.  i admitted that another better man cld step into his place and i wld b glad.  im still hurt by the situation and i accept that it may take some time 2 heal but i dont have 2 stop living in the interim.  so i decided 2 go 2 a bridal shower 2morrow that id prev decided not 2 go 2. 
im ready 2 rejoin the land of the living