Tuesday, February 26, 2008

. . . And the pendulum swings back the other way. . . the Graduate School contact called yesterday to say...the Counseling school doesn't have minimum scores for the GRE; what percentile I score in doesn't figure in. Get the application in, fill out the narrative, get 3 'recommenders', take the actual GRE (not the practice), and live the process. So I'm happy...so I told 'wifey' the good news. . .so wifey starts with "I hate to burst your bubble...Job,...income now,...money,...dream/fantasy,...hope vs reality" You know...encouraging things like that that really give your mind a refreshing bath of ice-cold, bone-chilling, water. Always FUN!. Isn't it wonderful when you get support for practicality instead of dreams? None the less, I am continuing the process for Grad school this morning, if for no other reason than to be accepted by SOMEONE for who I am (There's also the chance I'll be rejected there too...chicken & egg counting, you know the warning...avoid delusion in order to avoid pain. a common fault of projecting codependents). The pull to continue is almost like the pull to divorce, if you've ever been through it...the mind is on auto-pilot, the focus will not be distracted by anything else...you continue on just because it feels like the thing you must do. (Anyone else ever experience the determination of the 'zombie' thing? It's an amazing example of willful disbelief.) One thing I did realize this morning after reading my 'low foresight' handout last night before bed, I think/feel that it is the reason I thought I had ADD...the need for flexibility, the distractibilty (spel ck, please ) by an immediate interesting challenge...it fits, it's an explanation for a possible cause/effect relationship for some of my behaviors. Work wise, 'old' boss called (he'll gladly be a 'recommender' for me to grad school since I did such a good job 'interfering'/counseling him with girlfriend/relatioship problems over the last few years) and said the job in Laredo is looking really good and he's going to need my expertise and contribution for building some huge doors, craftsmanship, etc. How that will integrate into school and pleasing wifey with income we shall see. Anyway, DS is a nice distraction, and really intoxicating, and really wastes alot of time I could be spending more productively. I'll check on you guys often and communicate with you too; but I'm probably not going to Reply to the Discussion Board posts for awhile. My 'cyberspace-friends' are important to me; the solving of those others problems is not, at least not at the moment. I'm satisfied that I'm pretty good at this stuff, and need more refinement and education to be more than just an opinion...there are more things to learn (even to help myself, I'm still in recovery too, you know). I need to dedicate some time to work, and in order to do THAT, I still need to work on my codependency so that I don't trap myself in a sacrificial job that further erodes my burgeoning self-esteem; THAT I can get from wifey. The trick now is to to be able to accept myself as I am (see last journal entry) and be able to accurately describe myself to others in order to have a better 'fit' and find a better place to be able to use my unique talents of thought and analysis...you know...the 'fun' stuff. The process now is to get an accurate discription of myself for myself so that I can find a more efficient way to job-search instead of the "guess-what-I can-do-for-you-approach" or the "do-you-know-whereI'm-supposed-to-be?" approach. Not knowing 'who' I am, or 'what' I do well to make myself happy, makes it difficult to 'sell' or market myself...Yes? Later,