Tuesday Blows
I am so over today. I just want to go to bed. I am so frustrated with my situation in life I just want to scream. I don't know how to change my life so I just keep hoping it will get better. I know that sounds stupid but I drive myself insane going round and round in circles looking for a way out and not finding one. My mom is so horrible. She is so abusive and mean to me and always has been, has always bullied me and put me down then tries to twist it around and play victim like she should be pitied for having me so late in life. She has even told me she wishes I was never born. I have done some research and realize she is a colossal narcissist with many mental problems. I have been so unhappy and tied down with her my whole life and it isn't fair. The few times I have managed to escape and live elsewhere while managing to still pay taxes on the house, she always gets hurt or into debt or whatever and I come back and help her because no one else will and she can't do anything. She is disabled and on a pension so she can't afford much or do much. I constantly get guilt tripped like it's my fault for being born. She is just such an evil toxic person. My bf lives with me too and he isn't the greatest but our relationship is very strained because of her. If I just had to worry about him it wouldn't be so bad. Ideally I should just worry about myself. I give up on all the idiots in my life. It would be so nice to belong somewhere and be accepted and free to be me. But I just sit here and try not to have feelings and tune ppl out and don't talk about myself because no one cares or listens anyway in real life. I just wish I didn't hate myself so much. I have so much weakness. My body is so weak and sickly and fat. I always hurt and sleep poorly. I work myself to death and nothing to show for it. I went to college but it got me nowhere. I have probably the best job i can get and it would be fine for just me but my mom and bf make life hard. I hate being poor. I grew up so poor i don't talk about my childhood much because it's embarrassing and weirds other ppl out. Being raised so different has made it hard to relate to others and make friends because I never had friends growing up or a normal family. I guess I shouldn't think about it. I have very little hope for my future and fewer and fewer happy thoughts to distract me. I just want to be healthy so bad. I want my body to work properly and look pretty and not die or need anymore surgery. I want to be free and happy and with someone who is nice to me and actually takes care of me instead of the other way around. I am so frustrated just needed to vent.
Replies
I read some advice on here the other day and it involved waking up every morning and affirming your love for yourself by saying so out loud. With a constant emphasis on how things affect you. We are all worthy of love and don’t let others set the measure of how much they need you and that you owe it to them. It’s not an easy task because for most of us it involves a complete reprogramming of our reason for being. Your mom sounds manipulative in her need for love so she could use a good dose of this advice herself. Blessings
Thanks for trying but I don't think that will help my situation. To feel love I would have to feel something besides hate spite and guilt. I'm ate up inside with those burdens. If I had some freedom and independent instead of being treated like a slave and being put down every day, maybe I would have hope that I would one day be allowed to live instead of being a ghost.
Also, in order for my mom to change she would have to learn something and try hard and talk to people. She would never do that. She just wants to sit on her ass and be negative and bring everyone around her down. She hates learning. She is borderline agrophobic/sociophobic. I never have me time because she won't leave. I need to leave but I can't afford to and the house and bills are in my name anyway. It's just an endless mess. My bf doesn't help. I always used to think someday I will get out of here and find someone to make a real life with but he lives with me and is pretty worthless and I don't even like him. It's my fault for settling for this shit but not many guys would put up with my mom and that whole situation so again I see no way out. He is a feeder and just discourages me from eating better and exercising. Mom sabotages me too. I often question if they do this because if I was hot I could leave and be happy and find someone. I'm so tired of questioning. I just wish I had a time machine and I could go back and tell myself to never get fat and to get away from my mom asap and to get a bachelor degree and move far away. If I had only done that instead maybe I would still be happy and have a life I wanted instead of being trapped in this one with this body and the scars my ex left on me.
@GhostWolf04 THe biggest thing i have learned is that its best to cut ties with those who bring negativity to your life. You are already dealing with so much personally, you don't need others to add to that... so if your bf isnt going to support you or help you in any way, then maybe its time to let go... by doing so, youll be able to do things for yourself rather than for him, when it seems like he doesnt need it as much as you do- the love and care you give... as for your mom, she is your mother so you cant necessarily cut all ties from her, but you can try distancing yourself away from her... im not saying abandon her altogether, but maybe figure out a living situation that works for both of yall that doesnt strain your finances. I feel that with some space and distance, youll be able to focus more on yourself and you will be able to do things you didnt think you could because you were always surrounded by their negativity.... who knows, maybe youll realize that you ARE INDEED worth it and thatll give you the confidence and push to get a better job? or itll give you the motivation to meet new people who will push up rather than bring you down!
you cant think about the past right now, because you cant change it... what would be more helpful to think about is what can i do NOW to help change this... if its your weight bothering you, then think "what can i do to change my health and fitness?" for me, i started with running, and it did wonders for me, not just physically but mentally too... it gave me an hour to get away from my work, studies, family, and my own thoughts... and i went running outside so i would be immersed in the beauty of nature, which helped me gain a little perspective each time! it sounds impossible and for my whole life i thought so too... but thinking the way i have been and just hoping it will al work out didnt get me anywere, it didnt magically solve my problems, it didnt make me less depressed, it didnt make me lose the weight... but changing the way you think, will motivate you to make those changes... the best things in life dont come easy and that includes self- love and happiness!
@bornconfused well said
Thanks born. I did buy a pair of running shoes as a treat today. One small step to put myself first. Now I just need to get out there. Even if the two Debbie downers at home tell me not to. I think I just need to take some time to get back to the old me when I was happy instead of the stressed mess I am now. I've realized that I need to establish better boundaries with ppl close to me. I don't have to be at their constant Beck and call and always shut down and put myself last. Even if I get called an asshole, at least when I was one I had a personality.
OMG THATS SOOO EXCITINGGG!!! New running shoes are so fun!!! If you need any recommendation for running apps, let me know- i have a few that i really like :D
I am so happy, proud and excited for you! I KNOW you can do this! YOU ARE STRONG, INCREDIBLE AND AMAZINGGG!!! I wish you all the best! Keep us posted :D
I used to walk/run and kickbox 6 days a week and always ate good. Never ate junk. But things got out of hand with my ex. He was so abusive and judgemental. I felt like if I was in the best shape of my life and still my bf cheated and said it was my fault, then why bother? Now I know working out and eating clean as a lifestyle made me happy because I felt better. I wasn't weak so I didn't have this shoulder injury, I didn't have blood sugar and mood issues, I wasn't afraid of becoming diabetic or a heart attack. Most of all I felt I had control of my life. I know I can do it again. It just takes a lot of will power with the 2 I have at home. School was always hard for me too because of my mom but I graduated hs and college because I'm not stupid or lazy, no matter how many people say I am!
Thats the way to think!!! YOU DO HAVE THE WILL POWER!!! Its just this time, life is testing you a little bit harder... and like you said you arent stupid or lazy :D <3 AAAHHH your energy is infectious!
Physical activity, I realized is a tremendous tool for depression and anxiety because of the neurological and chemical bases it has... endorphins and dopamine and what not... the tricky part about it all is with depression and anxiety we get sooo mentally tired that we dont even have enough physical energy to get us out the door and running :/ But I believe with this attitude and energy of yours, youll turn that right around and youll be feeling like you did in no time!!! :D
Not eating junk helps energy immensely. I stopped drinking coffee or any caffeine in January and it helped believe it or not. I no longer have acid reflux, cystitis bladder pain, or sore swollen breasts. I only drink water now or almond milk. The last 3 weeks I started including weights once a week in my workouts and yesterday my chiropractor told me my shoulder and neck are improving and to keep it up. I haven't had to take aspirin for a week. I am also a big believer in eating complex carbs and whole grains throughout the day. I've done a lot of reading and it not only keeps blood sugar steady but serotonin levels too.