trying when it feels too hard
the ground beef in my frig said, "Cook me or else Baby!"
so i am......got it simmering in some prego spaghetti sauce.
the other pan holds angel hair bubbling away.
didn't want to cook, but my gut says the next two days are gonna be tough sweetie, do this in care of your food needs now.
so i'm listening and trying to pay heed.
......talked to Sam and talked to Sam and talked to a lady named Melony......cried several times. so cold, left hand keeps going numb.....wondering how long it's been since i had an epidural injection. ? no clue.
i told deb i didn't have the energy to pack a bag, pack the food or drive. that it hurt a lot to talk about not being able to go, to talk about how much that trip means to me .......after a time she finally said, so ummm, are we going or not? .......
she either couldn't or didn't want to hear no anymore than i wanted to.......at the end she told me that she didn't want me to feel bad about not going.......that she loves me......
sam was very bummed and i had to let him go cause i couldn't hold the tears in.......let me say this one more time and then let it go, i suck. whether or not it's my fault.......even though it isn't, i'm mad/tickedoff/hurt/bummed and need to pour 3 percent blame on me.......and then move past it. LET IT GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
i have pushed so many times in so many ways, but right now i have to stop pushing and be real. i need support to know i can get through this time. i need to not cry anymore for a while, it takes too much outta me.
i say me entirely too much. i need to open my bible......and read, then pray. get past me and move towards the light until i can be a light.
the end for now......hugs, ruthie
Replies
Yeah, it's hard to move past "me." I get into those moods too. I think this illness takes so much from us. It's hard not to go a little dark sometimes. You are in my prayers. I pray that the Light will break through for you again. Much love.
I would feel the same way, Ruthie. sorry about the trip. letting it go is good but its a painful process when you are not feeling good and facing a lot of challenges. Good for you on cooking that hamburger. I burned my dinner tonight, took a walk and pushed myself a bit. wore me Out. Fritz could have walked around the blocks three times while I was trying to complete on time three block walk. boy try and say that all at once.! :)
Getting meals lined up for yourself. Be patient with yourself. I am in your pocket rooting for you my friend ♥
Don't beat yourself up my friend. You are very sick and you do have to do so much by yourself. When we're suffering, we do feel down ,and we are focused on ourselves. I'm in me me land today. My daughter and her partner woke me up at 2.30am arguing and I'm angry, wiped out here in bed, and fed up to my neck with added stress when I'm already struggling with fatigue every damn day of my life. I'm mad at everybody else for being able to go back to sleep, when I just lay here with tremors and tears until the morning. Then they all wonder when they come into my room, why I just cry. No one wants to be around me. Another day lost ..stuck here in this bed. Moan groan. sorry...not my journal...sorry.
There will be more trips Ruthie. I know how disappointing it can be. I do feel for you. I'm not very good company today. Now I have a 19mth old wild child jumping on me and trying to bite my finger while I type. Worse than a cat lol! Bye xo