trying to understand

When I am on my own, I have been taking things in differently and I have developed anxiety

and a kind of grinding away at myself. My illness and my management of it has really replaced

all personal pursuits that I used to have in the past. I no longer look for a significant other.

I haven't had sex in eons. I basically expect and look for in life all the bench marks of just managing

my day. It's like it's become my identity.

I am not a very social person anymore and it's time I learn to understand how I can change things toward positivity - to understand

things to direct myself to developing a social life rather than just treating and knowing myself as just someone

who needs to manage himself because he is different.

I had found a kind of peace about that - but slowly I guess I didn't have that much peace afterall because my anxiety and dysfunction became greater and greater. I started having mini black outs on Tuesday and made mistakes at work and then also nearly crashed my car and then forgot my groceries in the car.

I spent the rest of the week up to now with my family at their house and it really was a restorative thing. They are wonderful!

I am starting to put two and two together, in terms of what has happened,

that certain benchmarks in life may have set me off a bit this time around - but also

since I was with my family I take evidence that being alone is something that I struggle with. The Doctor and my Father urge socialization. Which I understand.

When I am alone, I take things in differently and 'go to' a very intimate social place. I need to understand that I take things in differently than when I am with my family - and so for some reason my outlook doesn't manage well ( i don't manage so well) the independent pursuit of social relationships. I mean I am ok one on one, I gravitate towards that. 

I am just trying to carry that mindset of being with my family through to my life over here where I live. I am so grateful for my family and hope I can start to be more positive and interactive like them and like I once was, a long time ago.

I know I still have to manage but perhaps I can do both.

Peace!