Trying to ride it through again
Woke up at 4 this am in a pool of sweat -hadn't done that in a while. Spent the morning in bed (again) with everything aching (again) and stomach rolling (again, although admittedly not as badly as it can be). Everytime I'd doze off and start dreaming, my stomach would give a kick and wake me up. Then at 10ish, I had a seizure and passed out. Great. Felt better at 1 except for a headache, so got up a did a few things. Then took a nap and am now feeling WORSE. Stomach's going at it again, and the back hurts. Am trying REALLY hard to just ride it through and not go down the path to the Pit of Despair; just accept it and ride it out. Am also trying, so far unsuccessfully, to not think about the pattern that these flare-ups take; that is, one day the physical stuff surfaces, the next day it sometimes mostly abates, but the Emotions go completely unstable and haywire. It's exacerbated by the fact that it's the weekend when J works and L is stuck all day at home with me. Which once again underlines the lack of friends and relatives in our lives (mostly mine). This would be such a different story for my 9yr-old if someone could come over and play with her and watch tv and give her meals and/or take her out to the movies or park while I stay in bed trying to ride this out. But there's no one. All the other moms at her school are busy with their PTA activities and bowling alley nights. I can't drive or even take my child on the bus to any events, and I stopped volunteering for anything two years ago when the menopause made my life so uncertain (I could never guarantee that I'd be in good shape at any time -look at today: first it was bad, then it got good, now it's bad again. How can I say I'll be fine this Friday to man the table at the bake sale? I can't). And no one EVER offers to pick us up. I KNOW that a lot of them know about my family's situation; me with all my physical problems, a husband who works weekends and most evenings, and no grandma or auntie who can substitute. But no one ever offers to help...EVER. To top it off, the ONE woman I've gotten closest to (she's the mother of my daughter's best friend)....well, I've finally realized that the only time she ever thinks of getting together is when she has her kid(the father gets her on alternate weekends). Irealized that my kid is to provide entertainment and companionship for HER kid. When her kid's not around, she doesn't have any time for even a cup of coffee or anything. Well, I'll still let L visit, but I think I'll scratch her off my Friends list (this leaves nobody in my city). I hope to Goddess that tomorrow's good, or at least not bad. When it's bad, it's not only bad for me but my family as well. And frankly, it's old already. Enough. Enough, please...I've got so many things to do including play games with my little one and teach her things. I need my sanity, my patience, and my mind and body both to be in stable working order, because if either of them is off, then I can't be loving, and I can't function or produce. Additionally, how am I supposed to MAKE any friends if I'm laying in bed?
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