Trying to recover from a backslide
So things have seemed to be pretty good. Other than some financial stress, my wife and I have been spending a lot of quality time together and getting along well. Or so I thought. Last night I was massaging her before bed; the first time doing that in a few days. I thought I was doing a good job when she asked why I wasn't doing as good a job as I used to. I stated I thought I was, but she then pointed out I didn't seem to be as doting or enthusiastic like I was before. Then she said, "you are going back to the way you were.. But I don't want to get into that conversation right now." That really hit me hard. She was right in that I had been backsliding. I did my best to give a good massage and struggled to calm my racing mind to get to sleep. In the morning I put a post it note in her lunch that we needed a new rule. If she uses a defibrillator to shock my heart she had to follow with mouth to mouth. I hope it made her smile but the message I wanted you to get was to follow criticism with some affectionate reassurance. It may be wishful thinking of my part. She is quick to criticize but slow to invest herself.
Today at work I've been struggling with insecurity and trying to recommit myself to the self-improvement I'd been working on before. I'm desperate to hear some kind of reassurance from her but I know soliciting it would result in the opposite reaction. I hate that I cannot be perfect for her, but I also hate that I have to be perfect for her. For Lord knows I am far from it.
Today at work I've been struggling with insecurity and trying to recommit myself to the self-improvement I'd been working on before. I'm desperate to hear some kind of reassurance from her but I know soliciting it would result in the opposite reaction. I hate that I cannot be perfect for her, but I also hate that I have to be perfect for her. For Lord knows I am far from it.
Replies
I feel for you. I really do hope that you get what your heart wants. But I have to say that using your relationship as leverage is cruel. She said your massage wasn\'t as enthusiastic as before? My husband didn\'t even think enough of me to offer one, let alone one almost every night. So what if it\'s not as good as the one the night before. That\'s no reason to bring up the status of your reconciling relationship. You are allowed to have bad days too. As long as you can both discuss it and work it out, that is the important thing. Walking on egg shells stinks. I did it for too long. I waited for the reassurances to come that would make me feel better. You deserve better than to walk around on egg shells. You can never be perfect. No one can. I really hope that you can get to a place where you are comfortable with marriage again to just be yourself. I know that reconciliation must be just as hard. Hang in there but don\'t beat yourself up over the small stuff like a massage.
Well she messaged a dinner request and that she\'d be getting a pedi with a coworker before coming home. I got home and fixed the dinner for the family she wanted and cleaned up afterwards. When she got home she smiled and kissed me. I was filled with passion and returned the kiss with fire. She laughed and asked why I did that. Then she said, \"it was because of what I said last night, wasn\'t it?\"
She seemed to really enjoy the dinner and we watched TV together. She reached over and held my hand at one point. May not be much to others but it means so much to me. I can\'t help but feel she almost needs to have some kind of vent of negativity to get to a better place. I am so glad she is feeling better towards me but it is disheartening to go through the cycle. I wonder when the next venting will happen. At least I can be hopeful that a good day will follow any bad days.
I am so glad that you had a good night and that you are feeling a little better. BUT dont totally dismiss what Broken said. I know that you are trying so hard and this is a very delicate time...but you have rights too. You cant always be \"on\" all the time and walking on eggshells as broken mentioned. Is this something that you can talk with your wife about? I would hope that if you are she would listen and understand. And remember, sometimes its not WHAT you way but HOW you say it. Using phrases that do not put her on the defense is key. Statements like \"I feel...., I need,....I hurt when...., may help for her to understand what you are going through too. You matter as well. And through good and effective communication this can work. I have high hopes for you both as I know this will work out! I just dont want you to get lost in the mix as she comes to terms with your relationship. This is a process and it is a process that includes both of you. So dont forget to ask for what you need as well. Good luck to you!
Hugsss
Sandy
I just read your post from May, ... How sad. To me, it appears that your wife is spoiled yet not happy. ??? Most of the woman I know would love a massage, a pedi, dinner made & the kitchen cleaned up after. That sounds like a vacation to me. Hopefully, you two can have some good heart to heart conversations, with or without a counselor. You need to be able to be true to yourself & still be pleasing to her. This was a VERY sad post. Prayers to both of you.