trying to not feed the 'dark side'

my mind's been all over the map the second half of the day - 

but maybe in a good way as I am forced to look it in the face

and try and deal with it.. my Stepmom and I have been talking

and she's a genius about taking care of herself. So smart...and she's been

helping me see how I have been taking care of myself.

One thing she suggested was to 'draw how I was feeling' and then just leave it

alone and then come back to it another day - and think about how you've either stayed the same

or changed when you come back to it..

Additionally after spending some time with my Dad and her today - they are both so active

and energetic that it is infectious! I like helping them and it is the way I give back to them

as a son and especially as they are so generous with me.

Also, as my life is, they are my main social contact outside of work, plus siblings,

plus online friends, and Blue, and I am lucky to have so much! But living alone is a project

that really needs some adjustment - Living without my therapist this week has really forced me to try

and find personal strength and agility to grow to see 'how I am dealing' and maybe find new ways

to take charge of my feelings. I tend to want to reach out and talk to someone - I was about to judge it

but maybe it's time to see it as a dare! My whole adult life has been destroyed by this shit.

I don't want to stare into my navel but I definitely struggle with a dark side that makes me miserable.

It powers away within me - and have to find escape valves for all the energy that it needs..

I mentioned 'the darkness' within me last night to my Stepmom as also said it made me just want

to eat and drink everything. She said "You're feeding your demon." It so helped to hear that - a loving family voice

was so gentle and giving - and

we talked about how it will last for about 2 or 3 days. It's true!

Now I am about to go to bed. I was grinding away at some paranoia - and negativity - and I decided to reach out

to my Dad - just to say good night - and there they both were on the other side of the phone- happy and positive and busy on a project and here

I was thinking what a contrast!! :) My mind was tricking me again!! I want to take this engine within and put it

to good use. To point it into a direction and go!!!

Have a good night you guys! Hope you are tucked in nicely and have cozy dreams!

Peace,

Mark