Trying to maintain it here Thurs July 23, 2015 11;30 a.m.

Well, this is my 2nd full day back and things are all f#$@ked up already, figures. I REALLY WANT TO AND DID TRY TO BE OPTIMISTIC, I REALLY DID AND AM, BUT WHY OH WHY? THEY GOT MY MEDS MESSED UP AGAIN. SHOCK SHOCK. I JUST WENT LAST WEEK AND SAW THE DOC, AND ITS A BIG CLUSTER F#$@K AGAIN JUST LIKE EVERY MONTH. I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM ALWAYS SO SHOCKED WHEN I KNOW OR HAVE AN IDEA ITS GOING TO HAPPEN. I CANT BELIEVE IM SAYING THIS IN A BAD WAY BUT I LOST 6 MORE POUNDS SINCE I WAS LAST AT DOC'S. I AM NOT TRYING TO LOOSE ANYMORE AND I AM TIRED AND COLD ALL THE TIME. I KNOW I HAVE A DISORDER, I DON'T MEAN TO BUT I GUESS I HAVE TO FACE IT. I DON'T WANT TO LOOK SICKLY, I WANT TO LOOK HEALTHY. STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THESE WORD'S ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH. I HAVE BEEN BIG FOR SO LONG TILL I LOST ALL THE WEIGHT WHEN I WAS IN WHEELCHAIR IN 2011 AND HAVE KEPT IT OFF FOR ALL THIS TIME. LOST MOST OF MY MUSCLE MASS SO MY SKIN HANGS ALOT. I JUST DON'T FEEL GOOD. HAVE THE STOMACH TROUBLES SO ITS HARD FOR ME TO EAT NORMAL, ALL BLAND AND I AM ALLWAYS AFRAID I'M GOING TO GET SICK. I CAN'T WAIT TILL I GET TO THE TOP OF THE LIST FOR COUNSELING, I REALLY NEED IT BAD. EVEN MY SOCIAL WORKER SAID THAT I AM LOOKING VERY THIN. NOT GOOD. THEY GAVE ME SOME I.B.S. MED THAT MADE ME SOOOO VERY SICK AND DIDN'T WORK, CAN'T TAKE THAT. BUMMER. I AM STARTING TO REALLY GET WORRIED ABOUT THIS AND ITS SOMETHING IVE NEVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT SO THIS IS ALL SO NEW TO ME. OK NEED TO GO EAT SOMETHING, NOT EVEN HUNGRY, BUT MUST EAT. WILL JOURNAL WHAT I ATE AGAIN THEN MAYBE I CAN FIGURE SOME OF THIS OUT. SO GLAD TO BE BACK AND ABLE TO JOURNAL ABOUT THESE THINGS. HUG'S TO YOU ALL.....