I wrote a bunch of stuff today on a file that I think I might copy and paste
to the end of this journal. I'm in my room. It's the end of the day.
I find myself ruminating. I ask myself 'what do I want?' - 'I want to organize
and prepare and plan and do my life well' - I think on other people who so seem
to have a head on their shoulders to plan their lives with great success, and smart.
Goal oriented, and great at relationships. I think though the whole notion that
others seem to have life figured out is 'up for questioning.' We live in a community here.
Both on DS and me and the monastics here at St. Nina's. I really feel like if I am looking
for others to all have their lives figured out - which I find I am believng they do - to have goals for having a partner and an independent
family of their own - a future planned and provided for - that indeed is staring me in the face here - that not everyone is made for that
kind of life or has an ease with it - so why - if I seem to be struggling with the shape of my own life -
should I expect myself to have the kind of life that's impossibly iconic - when I live here at a monastery
with others in the same shoes that I am standing in? I step forward in my life and can't understand it right away
until I ruminate about it later - processed and wisdom produced - but here is the point at which I must DIVE IN!!
AND LET GOD LEAD THE DANCE AND HOPE FOR THE BEST! I can't live my life - and see it at the same time.
Make sense?
Anyways - here's what i wrote:
I think I am so afraid of being myself - being the deviant weird one - that I try and think things through before
putting a foot forward. This is what I have been thinking about today:
Sex is a force in each of us that we have to deal with on some
level -
for me I find myself having weird pervy thoughts at times and I have to admit it
- I remember reading CS Lewis who talked about sex as a god given joy -
and sex was something at one point in time for me natural to me but
also something that brought me to extremes. It added to my
mental health challenge and luckily I got help with my mental health and worked out my sexual
issue too.
After growing and maturing and getting help i now see it as what it is
in a way - that it's part of the whole human package and it's a force in each of us
- I am in control of myself now but also I am kind of seeing
me and my whole nature - sex being a part of it.
This next thought just came to mind a couple of times today and yesterday is taht the church is a kind of 'life assist'
as a community and an organizer - and a prioritizer of values - I really appreciate it for that - everyone seems to need
it on a level in some form or another. Whether the community is of friends or business partners - I don't know - I don't
need to expand on this. Just the catch phrase that 'church is a life assist' just struck me as a curious slogan. :)
Getting back to what I mentioned about, after I was seeing the need to love the whole person sex life and all, I was feeling
strong and healthy in my 'individual self' - I didn't feel so connected to the hive of the monastery.
I realize the need here at the monastery is to submit my whole self to the group to have a sense of reassurance and knowledge of what I am doing by doing that....
Or is submitting what I need too to make me feel reassured?.
It seems I’ve gone from one family I found it hard to fit in with at times to another family here in Maryland
. Another “answer” to that question of fitting in. A similar submission of my whole person and now knowing
what that means.
It’s so much about the life of the mind here, and I am on anxious edge to take care of what needs to be done individually and for the group. I don’t have a lot of space or room to be inspired by personal vanity, I’m usually too stressed out and just want to rest with Blue and the radio. I’m starting to see that reality that I am aging and getting fat and I need to motivate and muscle to losing weight. It burns me out frankly. Life in the outside world is generally permissive of vanity and a different kind of consideration of people’s boundaries. I’ve learned from it here, but doing a workout is tough. The weather here has been mild so I think I’ll go for a walk and take pics. A creative way to exercise:)
We're high strung here and it can seem so all or nothing here. That is something that I am learning to distinguish.
Maybe my interpretation of peoples' reaction to me at times (like the nun this evening behind the iconostasis -
who attempts to control me - maybe I should just see it as her issue.)
Replies
Thank you ChatGPT
Here’s an organized **summary and reflective synthesis** of your writing, staying faithful to your voice while clarifying the movement of thought. I’ll do three parts: **(1) core themes**, **(2) an integrated summary**, and **(3) a gentle reflection back to you** about what you seem to be learning.
---
## 1. Core Themes Emerging
**1. Living without a clear map**
You are wrestling with the tension between wanting to *understand and plan your life* and realizing that life is often only understood **after it is lived**. You notice a tendency to believe others have it “figured out,” but that belief collapses when you look honestly at the monastery community itself—people living faithfully without conventional life scripts.
**2. Comparison and the “iconic life”**
You question why you measure yourself against an idealized, culturally iconic version of adulthood (partner, independence, linear success) when your actual context is communal, monastic, and intentionally countercultural. This brings relief and grief at the same time.
**3. Fear of being yourself**
You name a deep fear of being the “weird” or deviant one, which leads to overthinking before acting. This fear shows up in sexuality, individuality, and belonging.
**4. Sexuality integrated, not denied**
You reflect maturely on sexuality as a human force—once overwhelming, now more integrated. With help and growth, you’ve moved from shame and extremes toward self-control and acceptance of your whole nature.
**5. Church as structure and support**
You insightfully name the Church as a kind of *“life assist”*—a community that organizes values, provides containment, and helps people live when life itself feels too large to manage alone.
**6. Individual self vs. communal submission**
You feel a tension between personal strength and individuality versus the monastery’s call to submit oneself to the group. You question whether submission brings reassurance—or whether reassurance is what you’re actually seeking.
**7. Repeating family patterns**
You notice a repeating pattern: moving from one family system where you struggled to fit in, into another. But now, you understand more clearly what “submission” and belonging actually cost and require.
**8. Aging, body, fatigue, and realism**
There’s an honest confrontation with aging, weight, exhaustion, and limited energy. Vanity feels discouraged in monastery life, yet bodily care still matters. You’re seeking gentle, creative ways to care for yourself rather than harsh discipline.
**9. High-strung environments and interpretation**
You recognize the monastery can feel “all or nothing,” and you’re learning to distinguish between what belongs to you and what belongs to others—especially in moments of control or criticism.
---
## 2. Integrated Summary (Clean Narrative)
Your writing traces a movement from **rumination to surrender**.
At the end of the day, alone in your room, you find yourself circling the question: *What do I want?* The answer is simple but heavy—you want to live well, wisely, and intentionally. Yet this desire quickly turns into comparison, as you imagine others as more competent, goal-oriented, and relationally successful. Over time, you begin to question this belief. Living in a monastery, surrounded by people who have chosen—or been led into—nontraditional lives, reveals that many faithful lives are lived without the tidy structure society celebrates.
You recognize that you cannot both live your life and fully understand it at the same time. Meaning comes later, through reflection. But living requires action first—*diving in* and trusting God to lead. This is where fear arises: fear of being yourself, of being strange, of stepping forward without guarantees.
Your reflections on sexuality mirror this larger struggle. Once a source of extremes and mental health challenges, sexuality has become something more integrated—acknowledged as part of the human condition rather than something to fear or deny. This integration strengthens your sense of self, but it also makes you feel less absorbed into the collective identity of the monastery.
You see the Church as a “life assist”—a structure that helps organize values and offers communal stability. Yet you remain unsure whether submission to community is a genuine spiritual need or a way of finding reassurance and clarity in an otherwise uncertain life. You notice how familiar this dynamic feels, echoing earlier family experiences of trying to fit in.
Physically and emotionally, you feel stretched. Aging, weight, fatigue, and stress make self-care difficult, especially in an environment that prioritizes mental and spiritual labor. Still, you seek humane, creative ways forward—walking, photography, gentleness rather than force.
Finally, you are learning discernment: recognizing that not every reaction from others defines you. Some tensions may reflect their own struggles rather than your failures.
---
## 3. Reflection Back to You
What stands out most clearly is this:
**You are learning how to live with “unknowns” without freezing.**
This writing is not confusion—it’s *integration in progress*. You are:
* loosening the illusion that life must look a certain way,
* accepting yourself as a whole person (mind, body, sexuality, faith),
* and learning that trust sometimes comes *after* the step, not before it.
Your phrase **“I can’t live my life and see it at the same time”** is quietly profound. It suggests wisdom, not avoidance. And *“let God lead the dance”* isn’t passivity—it’s consent to movement without full control.
You are not getting lost in thought.
You are **building the capacity to step forward without certainty**.
If there’s a single throughline, it’s this:
> You are shifting from trying to *solve your life* to learning how to *inhabit it*.
If you’d like, I can:
* condense this into a **short journal reflection**,
* help you name a **personal rule of life** emerging here, or
* reflect specifically on **submission vs. authenticity** in monastic life.
You've been doing a lot of deep thinking sweetie
I think that you'll figure it out
Right now you're where you're meant to be and if it's not forever that's okay
It's been for the most part a wonderful experience where you've learned and grown
Heck you're a Priest now
You have a lot to be proud of
Maybe this is something to discuss with your new therapist
Big hug...xo
Thanks Janet!
anything worth thinking is worth overthinking. i'm so good at overthinking that i have literally thunk my way into jail. proof available. i bet i could still accomplish that, if i set my mind to it.
as one of my sibs-in-healing shared in one of my court-ordered group therapy sessions, "some of my best thinking got me here."
a liberation i have found in letting god lead the dance is that i can save my skillful overthinking for a hobby pass time.
pass the popcorn. . .
but. . . i do often wish god would offer me some clues on what tune we are dancing to.
Thanks Arfie!