Trying to keep sane

well.. after work yesterday....  went to get my kids from daycare, and come to find out, he had already picked them up.   Nice of him to call and let me know that right?  Nothing that trying to explain THAT one to the daycare provider.. Why I didnt know that my husband was picking up the kids...  So I go home... and of COURSE he is acting like he just didnt storm out of the house on Monday, and leave for two days.   Its so insane to me, that someone thinks that its ok?  If I ever did that.. just not come home one night... Holy hell.. .. heck what am I talking about I cant even go out with my friends without the guilt and aniexty he puts on me. (Monday night after I got home from driving myself to Urgent Care, with a 101 temp and the shakes from a kidney infection, and actually the doc wanted to admit me to the hospital, and I told the doctor no, that if.. It got worse I would come back, when I walked in the house that night, he wanted to jump into a conversation about refiancing our house, and heck.. I never just am sick... u know?  I didnt feel good.. hurt and all I wanted to do was lay down for a little bit, without getting jumped right?  Soo.. I probably snapped at him... I admit it... and HOLY hell breaks loose...  he let go.. with the anger issue he has..  with fuck this, and just a 6 minute rage of swearing and yelling in front of my 4 year old daughter... (who was yelling back at him, to stop fighting.. nice huh?)   I was like come on?  Russ just stop really? he wouldnt stop..  so I grabbed my camera, which records video also.. and said ok...  I hit record and said keep going, I will show u how out of control u are when u are like this... (which I probably shouldnt of done, I am lucky he didnt break my camera...)  I held strong though and held his gaze....  and he shut up.. and changed his clothes said goodbye to the girls..  and Shit canned my door.. (which has been slammed so many dang times, my poor door, I soo need a new one, but cant afford it)  soooooo.. whatever right? this was like at 5 pm.... sooooo  I wasnt feeling good... and now .... I had to feed the girls, get them into the bath, lay out their clothes for the next day and get their backpacks ready, homework done, of course read a book, and kisses and hugs... BUT I ALSO :) turned my cell off.. cause I knew once he started drinking the calls would start..  By 8 pm I was worked up .. aniexty wise.. so couldnt lay down, and cleaned .. which is my vice when I am upset... and of course.. checked my phone...  between the time he left .. 5 and 1230 I got 5 phone messages.. saying he wasnt gonna be home... which started off mean .. and then turned into.. the drunken mess, he gets to.. of course dont worry about me, (WHICH I SOOO WASNT) and maybe I will be home tomorrow or the next.. so Tues.. comes and he doesnt come home... doesnt call the girls.. so after I put them to bed.. I turned off my phone...  around 10 I turned my phone back on..... I had 5 messages.... starting from around 9.. and says he isnt coming home... and between then and 12 I get 4 more messages ...  sooooo which leds up to yesterday....  So now today... of course he is again acting like nothing is wrong...  I mean WTH? so tonight I get to go home... where he is trying to be nice again... and THATS even worse..  cause then u feel like ur crazy.. and u imagined it all..like u have no reason to be upset and that maybe its ur fault, somehow, someway Dude.. JUST leave me alone then... get HELP or leave me alone...  I dont care..  what u do, where u go, what excuse u have...  U always blame it on me anyways...  JUST go...  I dont care if ur friends hate me... hell I can just imagine what u are telling them. I am 33 years old.. I am a cute girl... friendly... bubbily personaliity.. and who until recently... didnt let anyone except for my closest friends  (which I had like 2 left, because I froze them all out) and family.. know what was going on... I think People like me...  the guys I work with.. like me... I think I guess I wasnt hiding everything as good as I thought I was with the guys at work... .  I mean hell what did I think.. they are deputies and investigators... they I am sure knew something wasnt right...  they just didnt know how bad shit was, and how much shit I  really went through. He knows.. if he finally walks away... I wont be alone for long...  TRUST ME I DONT WANT ANYONE OR EVEN THINKING ABOUT DATING gets me sick.. ughhhhhh I just want... dang it.... I just want to look into my 4 year and 6 year olds eyes, and have them be proud of me.  And for them to know.. that its not ok for women to be treated this way, and in no way shape or form do I ever want them to have to go through the same shit I have with their dad.   I just want to be at peace with me and my life... I want someone who loves me and my girls... Hell.. I want to know what normal love, and being cherished is all about.  will I ever get there?   I dont know.. but Hell I am trying.. one little step at a time. Its getting harder as each day that goes by to keep my head up, and back straight...  coming home to that everyday....  the nights are the worst, after the girls go to bed.. are the worst. I dread it... I dread the nights.... I dread the girls going to bed...  Do u know what its like... to never have any hope... ?to dread everytime you have to be alone with someone who does this shit to you...  Will I ever have hope again?