Trying to keep myself angry...
Okay so I haven't been sleeping well lately. I wake up 2-3 times a night from dreams of him or something to do with him and yesterday I woke up crying from a dream I don't even remember. So I've been not wanting to go to bed and when I do I end up texting a friend of mine for a few minutes. Last night I posted a few things on one of the boards and I decided to keep it going and have copied it to my phone and add to it as I think of things so I can have it near by instead of having to find my journal. Now I haven't been to my counseling in a few months and with everything else going on I have back slid a little. I have doubted myself a lot in regards to the stands I made, felt guilty for things I've done to him almost to the point of feeling sorry but here it goes on my list:
I dealt with multiple run in with his crazy ex, who burnt out house down in 2004, lived with him while he decided drinking and gaming was more important than his family and responsibilities, I would clean that house (2500 sq ft) the best I could with little or not help from him or the kids (5), dealt with him throwing things (4 times over a 9 year period), dealt with some punishments he gave the kids that I didn't completely agree with, was used to him belittling and criticizing everything about me (weight, clothes, hair, looks, attitude, etc), he told me I needed to be put on depression meds because I wasn't as spunky as he thought I should be, I was referred to as "cold" in bed, I was abused mentally because he wasn't happy that I wouldn't do a few things sexually with him because I didn't like to, he would do his deeds with his porn (knowing I didn't like it), when we first moved in together I moved from another state, helped him fight for custody of his kids (2 different court cases), had to defend myself and him against DFS (department of Family Services) over false claims made by his own daughter or his ex, did more of the men's jobs around the house with the cleaning such as fixing things, mowing yard, etc, was told since I got child support and he didn't that I had more responsibility to pay for things and had to use my child support to pay for bills, when I would do yard sales he would tell me what I needed to do with the money like paying for new tires for truck, I had to constantly get him off the kids when they were done playing because he wouldn't stop when they said they were done, ridiculed me because I didn't cook, told me he couldn't understand any of my reasoning behind why I would get so upset that I made no sense to him, he tried to get me to enroll in some program over seas to work on helicopters because they make good money (he couldn't because he burns too easily and I was to send him all the money I made), supported most of his decisions without doubting him, his daughter threatened to get my kids taken away from me (he didn't care, no talk was given) helped all the kids evenly with homework when I could, tried to be there for his oldest son because he felt he couldn't talk to his dad, ExN would refer to himself as a single parent because for about 5 years he worked 1st shift and I worked 2nd (always threw that in my face how I had no real opinions or thoughts in regards to what was going on because I wasn't there) and when ever I tried to talk about things he would never help find solutions to the problems, told me I was just trying to start issues when there was none instead of trying to look at it from my side.
Quite a list? Yeah I've been working on it. I hate having doubts and I hate feeling guilty for up and leaving his sorry ass but you know you can only talk to a brick wall for so long before you have to walk away. I left him in fall of 2010 in hopes that he would wake up and realize changes need to be made. He did make some changes but he kept giving me ultimatums to move back. I thought things were going well until this last spring break when after a week of us being there he dumps me on the phone saying that I am pathetic. The worst things I can say I've done was keeping my mouth shut too long, left him in the house to take care of things and one of his friends drunk kissed me and I just never told because I didn't want an argument (he did this 3 times over the 9 years, yes I know it was wrong and I feel bad about it) and it never went any further. So according to him I was pathetic because I'm not going to school, I'm lazy in his perspective, to him I never cared about him or the family (did I mention since i left I drove back once a month a 4 hour drive one way to spend a weekend with him or that I spent the whole last summer there?) he referred to me as a slut and said he couldn't help but think of who else I've been with (because things had become apparent about the friend kissing me) and since I wasn't going to school I was beneath him.
So I would like input. If you have a question ask and I will answer but this is mainly for my records for my phone. Something easily accessible for when I start to feel sad or upset about things. Today is also his youngest b-day, I won't call and I didn't send a card, kind of forgot with all the other crap going on but I am thinking of her and hoping she has a great 9th birthday. Trigger I guess in some ways but probably a good exercise to do. Thoughts and comments appreciated.
I dealt with multiple run in with his crazy ex, who burnt out house down in 2004, lived with him while he decided drinking and gaming was more important than his family and responsibilities, I would clean that house (2500 sq ft) the best I could with little or not help from him or the kids (5), dealt with him throwing things (4 times over a 9 year period), dealt with some punishments he gave the kids that I didn't completely agree with, was used to him belittling and criticizing everything about me (weight, clothes, hair, looks, attitude, etc), he told me I needed to be put on depression meds because I wasn't as spunky as he thought I should be, I was referred to as "cold" in bed, I was abused mentally because he wasn't happy that I wouldn't do a few things sexually with him because I didn't like to, he would do his deeds with his porn (knowing I didn't like it), when we first moved in together I moved from another state, helped him fight for custody of his kids (2 different court cases), had to defend myself and him against DFS (department of Family Services) over false claims made by his own daughter or his ex, did more of the men's jobs around the house with the cleaning such as fixing things, mowing yard, etc, was told since I got child support and he didn't that I had more responsibility to pay for things and had to use my child support to pay for bills, when I would do yard sales he would tell me what I needed to do with the money like paying for new tires for truck, I had to constantly get him off the kids when they were done playing because he wouldn't stop when they said they were done, ridiculed me because I didn't cook, told me he couldn't understand any of my reasoning behind why I would get so upset that I made no sense to him, he tried to get me to enroll in some program over seas to work on helicopters because they make good money (he couldn't because he burns too easily and I was to send him all the money I made), supported most of his decisions without doubting him, his daughter threatened to get my kids taken away from me (he didn't care, no talk was given) helped all the kids evenly with homework when I could, tried to be there for his oldest son because he felt he couldn't talk to his dad, ExN would refer to himself as a single parent because for about 5 years he worked 1st shift and I worked 2nd (always threw that in my face how I had no real opinions or thoughts in regards to what was going on because I wasn't there) and when ever I tried to talk about things he would never help find solutions to the problems, told me I was just trying to start issues when there was none instead of trying to look at it from my side.
Quite a list? Yeah I've been working on it. I hate having doubts and I hate feeling guilty for up and leaving his sorry ass but you know you can only talk to a brick wall for so long before you have to walk away. I left him in fall of 2010 in hopes that he would wake up and realize changes need to be made. He did make some changes but he kept giving me ultimatums to move back. I thought things were going well until this last spring break when after a week of us being there he dumps me on the phone saying that I am pathetic. The worst things I can say I've done was keeping my mouth shut too long, left him in the house to take care of things and one of his friends drunk kissed me and I just never told because I didn't want an argument (he did this 3 times over the 9 years, yes I know it was wrong and I feel bad about it) and it never went any further. So according to him I was pathetic because I'm not going to school, I'm lazy in his perspective, to him I never cared about him or the family (did I mention since i left I drove back once a month a 4 hour drive one way to spend a weekend with him or that I spent the whole last summer there?) he referred to me as a slut and said he couldn't help but think of who else I've been with (because things had become apparent about the friend kissing me) and since I wasn't going to school I was beneath him.
So I would like input. If you have a question ask and I will answer but this is mainly for my records for my phone. Something easily accessible for when I start to feel sad or upset about things. Today is also his youngest b-day, I won't call and I didn't send a card, kind of forgot with all the other crap going on but I am thinking of her and hoping she has a great 9th birthday. Trigger I guess in some ways but probably a good exercise to do. Thoughts and comments appreciated.
Replies
First of all, it\'s awesome that you put all of this out there. I hope it felt good at some level to do so (it should). You sound like so many of us in that we try like hell to be perfect. One night while my adult daughter was staying with me (we like to slumber-party it in my bed when we can) and she had to awaken me because I was crying in my sleep. I don\'t remember that dream either, but it so disturbed her she had to bring it to an end. I knew my inner demons had finally found their way into my most precious and cherished place: my world of rest and rejuvenation. Consider this knowledge a gift and take care to see to YOUR needs now. Tend to your garden and do so with the knowledge it is your right and your best interest to do so. I try to keep this adage in mind whenever I feel guilty about taking time for myself: \"When mama ain\'t happy, ain\'t nobody happy.\" Embrace it and know that you\'re a wonderful woman deserving of happiness, respect and love.
p.s. I think you\'re terrific.
Thanks LittleEngine!! :) I don\'t know, I\'m just in a funk. I have my journal were most of this stuff is at but I haven\'t really let it out like here. Most of my real life friends know the story, guess I need more positive feedback in regards to my actions and that went I through was enough but then again I know some people can take more than others and I probably dealt with too much without really being appreciated for it. I don\'t think he was ever really appreciative of what I did do, just kept on me about what he thought I should do more of. Just a crappy time all around. Hope I snap out of it soon. Thank you for your kind words and I think your pretty awesome yourself! :)
anglvette, have you tried EFT? It was recommended to me yesterday and it has really helped me. There are good videos on youtube to help you practice it.
Man, he is such an asshole. Sorry, but he is. It seems if you re-read this journal enough you will not lose your resolve. The important thing to remember, is that everything he tried to make you think or feel about you, is all stuff he feels about himself and projects onto you. It\'s NOT you. You know this.
Everything that is not love, is fear. All of his hate and anger and all of the horrible stuff he did and tried to make you think and feel, is borne of some fear he has about himself. Or thinks of himself. If he can project it onto you, then he thinks it leaves him. but it doesn\'t, so he keeps doing it over and over.
Anytime you need to be reminded of what is really going on there you can come to me, because I\'m far enough out that I have a pretty good handle on it. You are awesome, really, incredible, after all you have endured. I think when you are really free, you are going to have some valuable stuff to give to the world.
Big hugs. xoxo
Please be really proud of yourself for getting out of that. I know it was not easy. DO NOT start second guessing. There will be hard emotional days ahead but not as bad as the day in day out of hell known as life with an abuser. Good for you for getting that out there. You are brave in many ways.
Thanks you guys. I know it, it\'s just hard to keep it up especially with other crap going on and I absolutely hate the doubting. I\'ve seen a few posts on the EFT, may have to check into. Sorry I didn\'t get back on til now, made it to my place at my dad\'s for a few days with plans to go back to my grandpas and then maybe a road trip this Thursday or so to Texas.
I\'ve been away too, so starting to catch up on some journals.
You did nothing wrong in walking away from abuse, and there is no doubt that what he did was abuse in most of its forms.
Please don\'t compare to others. The reason for this is twofold. Firstly, we all minimise what we have been through, where we would be horrified to read the very same stuff in someone else\'s journal. And the other is that, if there is such a thing as worse abuse, then there must be such a thing as better abuse - but there isn\'t. Abuse is wrong, period. And nobody should have to live with abuse of any sort. You know, I\'ve lost track of the number of times I\'ve read someone else\'s story here and thought \"wow, that\'s awful, I\'m so glad mine wasn\'t THAT bad\", only to find they are thinking the very same thing as me.
What unites us on the board is that we have ALL suffered some horrible treatment that we didn\'t deserve. It doesn\'t matter how much or precisely what form it took. And we ALL have/had the right to make it stop - the only way abuse ever stops is if the victim leaves.
Thanks Livndadrem. That makes really good sense about how we all minimize in some form. I can see that really I can. Thanks for taking the time to comment and adding your wonderful two cents. :) I really appreciate it.