Trying to hang in there
Woke up early with the usual lower GI stuff...got a wave of apprehension, which I tried to quell because that can very easily snowball into something worse, especially with the physical symptoms also attacking.
Now...had a little cry with my DH. He's the only one who's here for me. Earlier, I wandered into the realms of "If Only...", which is a large, dangerous bog of self-pity...if only my mom were still alive, if only my father knew that leaving good memories is more important than leaving some material legacy, if only my brother wasn't a sociopath, if only my sister was responsible, dependable, and honest, if only I had a good friend and/or a loving aunt who lived closeby.....etc. etc. But this is, as I said, a dangerous path, because the list is endless, and going through it not only solves nothing, but also makes one even more depressed.
And I DON'T want to be like my MIL (who I also need to NOT think about; she built her house on this path and refuses to leave it). I have my darling husband, who's been as patient and understanding a friend as any male can be. I...just really could use one more emotional harbor who is physically close. It would also ease the stress on him; my poor DH gets all of my craziness- crying, shrieking, rage, depression, along with all the physical stuff. He's been my emotional dumping ground, and I'm SO eternally grateful that I have him, but for both our sakes, I wish there was someone else.
I'm not meaning to not count this website and all the wonderful women who are here...I am so thankful for you and this website....but sometimes, I really need a real shoulder, and I know my husband could use a break.
So today...it's a beautiful day, J has to go to work, and what about me? I'm physically fatigued, somewhat achy, sad and depressed....what I should do is just Be Good To Myself and rest until I feel better and maybe I can get something done. I tell others on this website all the time to not beat themselves up about taking the time to rest....and then I see J getting ready to go to work at a job that he hates...and I feel like a shit. He's going to spend 9 hours using up his time and energy doing his job, while little old me...rests, and feels sad.
It's so, so very hard to excuse myself of this. I know I'm not a shit. I'm menopausal. I need to rest. And I need to not beat myself up. In fact, I need some TLC. Where's that auntie? I need her to come over and tell me that it's just a phase, that everything's going to be alright...that it's ok, that I'm going to be ok...
......and then she brings me tea and cleans the house a little. Actually, she doesn't have to do that...all I need is the TLC.
Now...had a little cry with my DH. He's the only one who's here for me. Earlier, I wandered into the realms of "If Only...", which is a large, dangerous bog of self-pity...if only my mom were still alive, if only my father knew that leaving good memories is more important than leaving some material legacy, if only my brother wasn't a sociopath, if only my sister was responsible, dependable, and honest, if only I had a good friend and/or a loving aunt who lived closeby.....etc. etc. But this is, as I said, a dangerous path, because the list is endless, and going through it not only solves nothing, but also makes one even more depressed.
And I DON'T want to be like my MIL (who I also need to NOT think about; she built her house on this path and refuses to leave it). I have my darling husband, who's been as patient and understanding a friend as any male can be. I...just really could use one more emotional harbor who is physically close. It would also ease the stress on him; my poor DH gets all of my craziness- crying, shrieking, rage, depression, along with all the physical stuff. He's been my emotional dumping ground, and I'm SO eternally grateful that I have him, but for both our sakes, I wish there was someone else.
I'm not meaning to not count this website and all the wonderful women who are here...I am so thankful for you and this website....but sometimes, I really need a real shoulder, and I know my husband could use a break.
So today...it's a beautiful day, J has to go to work, and what about me? I'm physically fatigued, somewhat achy, sad and depressed....what I should do is just Be Good To Myself and rest until I feel better and maybe I can get something done. I tell others on this website all the time to not beat themselves up about taking the time to rest....and then I see J getting ready to go to work at a job that he hates...and I feel like a shit. He's going to spend 9 hours using up his time and energy doing his job, while little old me...rests, and feels sad.
It's so, so very hard to excuse myself of this. I know I'm not a shit. I'm menopausal. I need to rest. And I need to not beat myself up. In fact, I need some TLC. Where's that auntie? I need her to come over and tell me that it's just a phase, that everything's going to be alright...that it's ok, that I'm going to be ok...
......and then she brings me tea and cleans the house a little. Actually, she doesn't have to do that...all I need is the TLC.
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