TRYING TO FORGIVE MYSELF
I got out of work sort of late that afternoon. About 3 months before Ryan's accidental drug overdose, I had been having weird overwhelming feelings, visions, forewarnings, etc. I didn't know why I was having these feelings. I know I had terrible thoughts which were scaring me. Feelings of fear, I was afraid something was going to happen but didn't know what? As I was driving down the road, I'd have a flash of something in the Newspaper with big headlines, also everytime I drove by a car with a guy driving, it looked like my brother Ralphie. About 6 years before Ryan died, my brother had a brain tumor, which he had operated on, it was cancer too..About 6 months after Ryan died, we found out my brother had his brain tumor back again, after Christmas, I told my brother Ryan went before our family members to look after us..After Ralphies 6 weeks of radiation, his caner was gone.. its been 10 year now, and it hasn't come back yet...Also after Ryan died, his fathers kidneys came back, so he no longer had to have Dialysis anymore. I was going through Hyperventilating, I couldn't breath, I went to the Doctors office several times with anxiety attack..Two weeks before Ryan died, after cutting his hair, he walked off and thanked me. I said to Ryan I love it when we have this time together talking about things, it seems like we are busy doing other things...he walked up stairs and took a shower. As I was sweeping up the hair, I had a vision of the last supper..I took a deep breath and shook my head, thinking WHAT THE HELL?!?! Why did I have that vision?!?! Anyway, life went on...Come to find out that was our last supper together 2 weeks before, at a chinese Resturaunt..
Ryan had been waiting to go back to work with his dad (contruction work).. Steve his father gets laid off a couple months every winter... it was always a disaster with Ryan & Erica's dad drinking everyday. When he got back to work at the end of March beginning of April, he worked hard and made great money for 10 months of work... The reason I left Steve b/c of his alcohol problem. I can't believe March 17th it was 11 years since I walked out on him....
Anyway, the first day of work, Ryan went to pick his dad up to start working.. When he got to his house, his dad was really sick and couldn't go to work, he went to the hospital a few days later and the Doctor admitted him in the Hospital for kidney Failure... His heart rate was 240 or so, the Doctor said his heart rate being so high, should of exploded and can't believe he was still alive...The Doctor told him he would have to be on Dialysis 3 times of week, for the rest of his life...So we were all shocked to hear that at the age 46 years old.. The whole time we were worried his dad was gonna die... The night Ryan had his Drug overdose, Ryan & Erica spent the day with his dad at the hospital.. That night Ryan called about 3 of his friends, and his girl friend. None of them called him back.. So Erica and Ryan and his friend Chad went over to this guys house, who my nephew Justin's friend Chad, ended up becoming a friend of Ryans...Which I had bad Vibes about him in the first place.
Being a single mom and having problems with my BF, the kids running the show....Ryan & his girlfriend were having troubles, Erica and her girlfriends were sneaky young girls, which I was worried more about ERICA, and her girlfriends.. I even asked Ryan to help me, I was afraid Erica was gonna overdose on drugs..I can remember Ryan looking at me, as I was looking upstairs at him,... What I didn't know until later, Justin had Erica hooked on drugs at a young age of 12.. Ryan stayed away from drugs, until he was closer to 18, and when he had troubles with his girlfriend for a couple of months, Ryan started hanging out with Erica..They became very close, but what I didn't know he started getting Drugs from Justins drug dealer, because Justin was using Erica and her friends. Charging them top dollar for them so he could do his for nothing...Erica told Ryan that, so he got pissed of at Justin for ripping these young girls.. So in Ryans mind he would get them for her cheaper.... Anyway, GOD threw me a curve ball, everyone was so suprise Ryan was the one who OD...Now RYAN's 5th year is coming up...I believe God had put all this chaos in my life at that time, to block it out of my mind, "I was in SHOCK" God had planned with Ryan before Ryan was born.. The agreement before Ryan was concieved in my womb..I have to think in this way, or I'll go CRAZY!!! I Have to forgive ME first... Erica told me Ryan wanted me to be proud of him, so thats way he didn't want me to know...............I have more to be continued........Love you all!!!!! Kelly
That night Ryan died really haunts me terribly..I feel like, if I wasn't soooo stupid, Ryan would be alive today...But I believe from the intuitions, premonitions, overwhelming feelings, visions, Coincidences, before and after Ryans Accidental Drug Overdose... The build up of events, that was happening, people , places, and things getting in the way...WAS GODS WAY for Several of us,,,, Family members, my nephew Justin which is 3 years older than Ryan, Justin was like my oldest son and looked out for Ryan, (supposedly)...Justin was such a big help when we would take the Boys, snowmobiling, boating and dirt bike riding, when they were younger...Accept Justin got into the drug seen, and was 3 years older than Ryan and 7 years older then Erica...
When I got home from work around 8:30, my mom said I just missed my Son Ryan & Daughter Erica by about 20 minutes...I was feeling overwhelmed and upset that I had missed them. I wanted to take them out for dinner, like we did the week before on a friday night... Life was in my head as liked something I never experienced in my life. Everything looked foggy, steamy, I could see halo's around them, everything was going in slow motion.. Things looked if things were swaying...
Now I walked down to my part of the house,(2 family house) My nephew Justin followed me into the bedroom, and asked me what was the matter..I told him I don't know why I was feeling so overwhelmed, and I don't like it, and hated how I felt...Justin Said he was waiting for Ryan & Erica to get back home..Justin was acting strange, I had bad vibes, cause, at this time, he introduced my 18 year old, Ryan and my 14 year old Erica to his Drug dealer,(this all came out later).. Ryan was driving, Erica in the passenagers seat, and a older kid Chad in the back seat... The police stopped them and saw that they were impaired. Erica called Justin and Justin told me they got stopped , and we need to go pick them up. Justin came with me, to get them in this small little town, about 1/2 hour away. Justins telling me he knows the police in this town and he will handle it, the cops were his friends and they will let them go. So when we got there, the police & fire station were together, in the small little town, the police office was a 10 x 10 little room... I could tell Erica was on something , b/c her eyes looked it and she was screaming at me for no reason, but I found out later why she was so mean to me. The cops told me when they stopped Ryan, they could tell he was impaired.. they gave Ryan a breatholizer twice, it show nothing was in his system 0% alcohol, but to the cops told me Ryan was on something, so keep and eye on him, when we got home... I screamed and said to the police, should I bring him to the hospital!!!! They said no just keep an eye on him, just incase he passes something. I said again should we take him to the hospital, they said no..So they get into the car, Ryan telling us that he had some pills in a baggie and swallowed them, so he wouldn't get caught.. I screamed and said what did you take.. he said he had taken xannex earlier, and had 3 oxycotin in a baggie and swallowed it...Justin said he should be ok because he has taken that many before.. So I went into shock, as though this is not happening, We got home Erica went up stairs, and Ryan got a bowl of cereal, and laid next to me on my bed, he seemed fine, I don't know why I didn't take him to the hospital. It was like God block it out of everyone of us as if it all was suppose to happen that way..I hate myself!! I lost my mind for awhile, I still can't believe between the police Justin Ryan and Erica especially me, WHY WHY WHY didn;t I take him?????? I can't forgive myself... I am crazy b/c, I 'm his mom and I didn'tt do what I should of done...ood friday afternoon, Easter Weekend April 14, 2006, was Good Friday, April 15th the morning he was prononced dead, it was my worst weekend, worst Easter ever.. Ryan's Birth certificate say's Ryan was born on a Sat. at 4:15... Ryan's Death certificate says Ryan died on Saturday month 4-15.. There is so many other things which help me see this was suppose to happen..... MY STORY WHICH TOOK ME FOREVER TO WRITE!!!!, LOVE All OF YOU SISTERS AT HEART!! KELLY
Ryan had been waiting to go back to work with his dad (contruction work).. Steve his father gets laid off a couple months every winter... it was always a disaster with Ryan & Erica's dad drinking everyday. When he got back to work at the end of March beginning of April, he worked hard and made great money for 10 months of work... The reason I left Steve b/c of his alcohol problem. I can't believe March 17th it was 11 years since I walked out on him....
Anyway, the first day of work, Ryan went to pick his dad up to start working.. When he got to his house, his dad was really sick and couldn't go to work, he went to the hospital a few days later and the Doctor admitted him in the Hospital for kidney Failure... His heart rate was 240 or so, the Doctor said his heart rate being so high, should of exploded and can't believe he was still alive...The Doctor told him he would have to be on Dialysis 3 times of week, for the rest of his life...So we were all shocked to hear that at the age 46 years old.. The whole time we were worried his dad was gonna die... The night Ryan had his Drug overdose, Ryan & Erica spent the day with his dad at the hospital.. That night Ryan called about 3 of his friends, and his girl friend. None of them called him back.. So Erica and Ryan and his friend Chad went over to this guys house, who my nephew Justin's friend Chad, ended up becoming a friend of Ryans...Which I had bad Vibes about him in the first place.
Being a single mom and having problems with my BF, the kids running the show....Ryan & his girlfriend were having troubles, Erica and her girlfriends were sneaky young girls, which I was worried more about ERICA, and her girlfriends.. I even asked Ryan to help me, I was afraid Erica was gonna overdose on drugs..I can remember Ryan looking at me, as I was looking upstairs at him,... What I didn't know until later, Justin had Erica hooked on drugs at a young age of 12.. Ryan stayed away from drugs, until he was closer to 18, and when he had troubles with his girlfriend for a couple of months, Ryan started hanging out with Erica..They became very close, but what I didn't know he started getting Drugs from Justins drug dealer, because Justin was using Erica and her friends. Charging them top dollar for them so he could do his for nothing...Erica told Ryan that, so he got pissed of at Justin for ripping these young girls.. So in Ryans mind he would get them for her cheaper.... Anyway, GOD threw me a curve ball, everyone was so suprise Ryan was the one who OD...Now RYAN's 5th year is coming up...I believe God had put all this chaos in my life at that time, to block it out of my mind, "I was in SHOCK" God had planned with Ryan before Ryan was born.. The agreement before Ryan was concieved in my womb..I have to think in this way, or I'll go CRAZY!!! I Have to forgive ME first... Erica told me Ryan wanted me to be proud of him, so thats way he didn't want me to know...............I have more to be continued........Love you all!!!!! Kelly
That night Ryan died really haunts me terribly..I feel like, if I wasn't soooo stupid, Ryan would be alive today...But I believe from the intuitions, premonitions, overwhelming feelings, visions, Coincidences, before and after Ryans Accidental Drug Overdose... The build up of events, that was happening, people , places, and things getting in the way...WAS GODS WAY for Several of us,,,, Family members, my nephew Justin which is 3 years older than Ryan, Justin was like my oldest son and looked out for Ryan, (supposedly)...Justin was such a big help when we would take the Boys, snowmobiling, boating and dirt bike riding, when they were younger...Accept Justin got into the drug seen, and was 3 years older than Ryan and 7 years older then Erica...
When I got home from work around 8:30, my mom said I just missed my Son Ryan & Daughter Erica by about 20 minutes...I was feeling overwhelmed and upset that I had missed them. I wanted to take them out for dinner, like we did the week before on a friday night... Life was in my head as liked something I never experienced in my life. Everything looked foggy, steamy, I could see halo's around them, everything was going in slow motion.. Things looked if things were swaying...
Now I walked down to my part of the house,(2 family house) My nephew Justin followed me into the bedroom, and asked me what was the matter..I told him I don't know why I was feeling so overwhelmed, and I don't like it, and hated how I felt...Justin Said he was waiting for Ryan & Erica to get back home..Justin was acting strange, I had bad vibes, cause, at this time, he introduced my 18 year old, Ryan and my 14 year old Erica to his Drug dealer,(this all came out later).. Ryan was driving, Erica in the passenagers seat, and a older kid Chad in the back seat... The police stopped them and saw that they were impaired. Erica called Justin and Justin told me they got stopped , and we need to go pick them up. Justin came with me, to get them in this small little town, about 1/2 hour away. Justins telling me he knows the police in this town and he will handle it, the cops were his friends and they will let them go. So when we got there, the police & fire station were together, in the small little town, the police office was a 10 x 10 little room... I could tell Erica was on something , b/c her eyes looked it and she was screaming at me for no reason, but I found out later why she was so mean to me. The cops told me when they stopped Ryan, they could tell he was impaired.. they gave Ryan a breatholizer twice, it show nothing was in his system 0% alcohol, but to the cops told me Ryan was on something, so keep and eye on him, when we got home... I screamed and said to the police, should I bring him to the hospital!!!! They said no just keep an eye on him, just incase he passes something. I said again should we take him to the hospital, they said no..So they get into the car, Ryan telling us that he had some pills in a baggie and swallowed them, so he wouldn't get caught.. I screamed and said what did you take.. he said he had taken xannex earlier, and had 3 oxycotin in a baggie and swallowed it...Justin said he should be ok because he has taken that many before.. So I went into shock, as though this is not happening, We got home Erica went up stairs, and Ryan got a bowl of cereal, and laid next to me on my bed, he seemed fine, I don't know why I didn't take him to the hospital. It was like God block it out of everyone of us as if it all was suppose to happen that way..I hate myself!! I lost my mind for awhile, I still can't believe between the police Justin Ryan and Erica especially me, WHY WHY WHY didn;t I take him?????? I can't forgive myself... I am crazy b/c, I 'm his mom and I didn'tt do what I should of done...ood friday afternoon, Easter Weekend April 14, 2006, was Good Friday, April 15th the morning he was prononced dead, it was my worst weekend, worst Easter ever.. Ryan's Birth certificate say's Ryan was born on a Sat. at 4:15... Ryan's Death certificate says Ryan died on Saturday month 4-15.. There is so many other things which help me see this was suppose to happen..... MY STORY WHICH TOOK ME FOREVER TO WRITE!!!!, LOVE All OF YOU SISTERS AT HEART!! KELLY
Replies
Dearest Kelly, I cry as I read your story.It sounds as though you were caught in a whirlwind of fear, disbelief and confusion...so much to take in at one time.Kelly, if you had any idea your sweet Ryan was in any kind of harm you would have immediatly taken action.Ask yourself this....Had these same events leading up to this tragedy happened over a period of time instead of everything all at once, maybe your mind wouldn\'t have been in overload and you would have been able to think more clearly and possibly handled things differently.Our minds sometimes take a direction when under great stress that they wouldn\'t under normal events.I thank you for trusting us enough to share your heart, and please know we lift you up in love and strength....We are all here for you,Hugging you really tight, Charlen
Dear Kelly,
i thank you for sharing this and I see so many similarities in our stories. i too blame myself for Sean\'s death sometimes. I was so worried about his brother that day for something else that i did not see what what right in front of me. I\'m glad you shared this, gentle hugs to you my friend.
I have learned so much by reading each of your comments... I just had to say that I have such a grateful heart to each of you because I feel so much love and understanding and also appreciate the perspectives of how to cope and work through this. This is where having companions on this path have saved me. Thank you, Kelly, and to each of you for your wisdom. With love and gratitude, Joanie
Kelly, your a great Mom...had you know Ryan was in an danger you would have acted on it. By sharing your story you will begin to move foward in the grieving process. And there will come a time when you forgive yourself. Love to you my sweet friend, Pat
Kelly, how hard this must have been to write! Oh my dear, sweet Kelly, it is NOT your fault! I believe I would have done the same thing as you! He was even eating cereal, for pete\'s sake! And Justin saying he\'d taken that much before no problem. Maybe wanting to spare Ryan any more authorities coming down on him by possible hospital personnel...I can totally see where you were coming from! And you really had no idea what was going to happen. Not until later did you realize all the signs.
I have come to the conclusion myself about those kinds of signs. I believe, like you do, that they are supposed to make us understand that things had to go down the way they did. And for us not to feel like it was going to have had any other possible \"outcome.\" The whole free will thing, the no time in eternity thing, the \"decisions\" made/agreed to before we\'re even born...it\'s all very heady stuff. I know.
Please don\'t continue to beat yourself up over something you had no way of knowing would happen. Who wants to think the worst could happen? Our minds are geared more like \"It\'s gonna be ok\" \"it\'s gonna work out\" I don\'t think we usually think that clearly, like..\"Ok, x and y so z is going to follow for sure so let\'s just go to the hospital.\" Young boys have life and resiliency and bounce back and we\'re just not into the mindset that anything like that is going to happen. You were not even aware of the drug problem. How many things could be thrown at you in one night and you already were not feeling well.
After my husband died, I remembered some weird things that happened that actually gave me the chance 2x to say \"goodbye\" altho I was not aware of the significance of what was going on at that time. I wonder if, when you think back, if there wasn\'t something like that with you and Ryan? a refusal to let him leave your grasp, a feeling like you wanted to cling to him and never let go...
After I let myself get all the hurting out, and wailed so hard that I felt limp, I noticed myself growing in healing. It was like ridding my body of the waste. Grief junk. Woulda coulda shouldas that only pollute our souls. This is such a hard thing to go through. But like others have said, YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
There were reasons why I also had blamed myself for my family\'s death. But with Michael telling me \"Going home to be with Jesus!\" I understood I had no choice in the matter. It just occurred to me now, after 26 years Kelly, that Michael never said \"I\" or \"We\" are going home....just \"Going home!..\" That is where Ryan is now also. Remember that verse that says \"All the days ordained for me were written in Your Book before one of them came to be.\" (Psalm 139:16).
That, to me says there is some kind of decision made that we\'re not aware of in this life. But do get signs of...
Big Loving hugs to you, my friend, and I wish I\'d seen this earlier! Donna
I am so sorry for your pain. The what ifs\' I have many myself. Drugs are a horrible thing. I am glad that you vented. I find that venting helps. I am sending you comforting thoughts and I do understand. xo Jamie
Kelly I feel your pain and know what you mean we are their moms we should of known and been able to get them help you see my son also had traces of cocaine the night he died he wasn\'t a big user but with the wrong people that night he did it and now I think of what if his real friends were around I would still be able to have my son. So for me I blame myself also and find no answers I guess we do the best we can andwait for the day when we meet them again in heaven for eternity. My sincere prayers and loving thoughts are with you . Love and hugs Bev
Kelly, you would have moved Heaven and earth to save Ryan. You would never hurt your son; you only helped. You just didn\'t know. You\'re not a doctor, a drug counselor; you just didn\'t know. The police didn\'t know. If you would have known you would have tried to save him. The mom guilt is brutal and it hurts. I remember your vision of the last supper. Ryan is at God\'s table now. I understand. Love and tight hugs, Linda
We are all left with the what ifs. I think about it everyday. What if I got home earlier could I have stopped my son from dying of sudden death. I hate myself for not being there just to be with him. We have to trust in god ANC someday we will know the why\'s.