TRYING TO FORGIVE MYSELF
I got out of work sort of late that afternoon. About 3 months before Ryan's accidental drug overdose, I had been having weird overwhelming feelings, visions, forewarnings, etc. I didn't know why I was having these feelings. I know I had terrible thoughts which were scaring me. Feelings of fear, I was afraid something was going to happen but didn't know what? As I was driving down the road, I'd have a flash of something in the Newspaper with big headlines, also everytime I drove by a car with a guy driving, it looked like my brother Ralphie. About 6 years before Ryan died, my brother had a brain tumor, which he had operated on, it was cancer too..About 6 months after Ryan died, we found out my brother had his brain tumor back again, after Christmas, I told my brother Ryan went before our family members to look after us..After Ralphies 6 weeks of radiation, his caner was gone.. its been 10 year now, and it hasn't come back yet...Also after Ryan died, his fathers kidneys came back, so he no longer had to have Dialysis anymore. I was going through Hyperventilating, I couldn't breath, I went to the Doctors office several times with anxiety attack..Two weeks before Ryan died, after cutting his hair, he walked off and thanked me. I said to Ryan I love it when we have this time together talking about things, it seems like we are busy doing other things...he walked up stairs and took a shower. As I was sweeping up the hair, I had a vision of the last supper..I took a deep breath and shook my head, thinking WHAT THE HELL?!?! Why did I have that vision?!?! Anyway, life went on...Come to find out that was our last supper together 2 weeks before, at a chinese Resturaunt..
Ryan had been waiting to go back to work with his dad (contruction work).. Steve his father gets laid off a couple months every winter... it was always a disaster with Ryan & Erica's dad drinking everyday. When he got back to work at the end of March beginning of April, he worked hard and made great money for 10 months of work... The reason I left Steve b/c of his alcohol problem. I can't believe March 17th it was 11 years since I walked out on him....
Anyway, the first day of work, Ryan went to pick his dad up to start working.. When he got to his house, his dad was really sick and couldn't go to work, he went to the hospital a few days later and the Doctor admitted him in the Hospital for kidney Failure... His heart rate was 240 or so, the Doctor said his heart rate being so high, should of exploded and can't believe he was still alive...The Doctor told him he would have to be on Dialysis 3 times of week, for the rest of his life...So we were all shocked to hear that at the age 46 years old.. The whole time we were worried his dad was gonna die... The night Ryan had his Drug overdose, Ryan & Erica spent the day with his dad at the hospital.. That night Ryan called about 3 of his friends, and his girl friend. None of them called him back.. So Erica and Ryan and his friend Chad went over to this guys house, who my nephew Justin's friend Chad, ended up becoming a friend of Ryans...Which I had bad Vibes about him in the first place.
Being a single mom and having problems with my BF, the kids running the show....Ryan & his girlfriend were having troubles, Erica and her girlfriends were sneaky young girls, which I was worried more about ERICA, and her girlfriends.. I even asked Ryan to help me, I was afraid Erica was gonna overdose on drugs..I can remember Ryan looking at me, as I was looking upstairs at him,... What I didn't know until later, Justin had Erica hooked on drugs at a young age of 12.. Ryan stayed away from drugs, until he was closer to 18, and when he had troubles with his girlfriend for a couple of months, Ryan started hanging out with Erica..They became very close, but what I didn't know he started getting Drugs from Justins drug dealer, because Justin was using Erica and her friends. Charging them top dollar for them so he could do his for nothing...Erica told Ryan that, so he got pissed of at Justin for ripping these young girls.. So in Ryans mind he would get them for her cheaper.... Anyway, GOD threw me a curve ball, everyone was so suprise Ryan was the one who OD...Now RYAN's 5th year is coming up...I believe God had put all this chaos in my life at that time, to block it out of my mind, "I was in SHOCK" God had planned with Ryan before Ryan was born.. The agreement before Ryan was concieved in my womb..I have to think in this way, or I'll go CRAZY!!! I Have to forgive ME first... Erica told me Ryan wanted me to be proud of him, so thats way he didn't want me to know...............I have more to be continued........Love you all!!!!! Kelly
That night Ryan died really haunts me terribly..I feel like, if I wasn't soooo stupid, Ryan would be alive today...But I believe from the intuitions, premonitions, overwhelming feelings, visions, Coincidences, before and after Ryans Accidental Drug Overdose... The build up of events, that was happening, people , places, and things getting in the way...WAS GODS WAY for Several of us,,,, Family members, my nephew Justin which is 3 years older than Ryan, Justin was like my oldest son and looked out for Ryan, (supposedly)...Justin was such a big help when we would take the Boys, snowmobiling, boating and dirt bike riding, when they were younger...Accept Justin got into the drug seen, and was 3 years older than Ryan and 7 years older then Erica...
When I got home from work around 8:30, my mom said I just missed my Son Ryan & Daughter Erica by about 20 minutes...I was feeling overwhelmed and upset that I had missed them. I wanted to take them out for dinner, like we did the week before on a friday night... Life was in my head as liked something I never experienced in my life. Everything looked foggy, steamy, I could see halo's around them, everything was going in slow motion.. Things looked if things were swaying...
Now I walked down to my part of the house,(2 family house) My nephew Justin followed me into the bedroom, and asked me what was the matter..I told him I don't know why I was feeling so overwhelmed, and I don't like it, and hated how I felt...Justin Said he was waiting for Ryan & Erica to get back home..Justin was acting strange, I had bad vibes, cause, at this time, he introduced my 18 year old, Ryan and my 14 year old Erica to his Drug dealer,(this all came out later).. Ryan was driving, Erica in the passenagers seat, and a older kid Chad in the back seat... The police stopped them and saw that they were impaired. Erica called Justin and Justin told me they got stopped , and we need to go pick them up. Justin came with me, to get them in this small little town, about 1/2 hour away. Justins telling me he knows the police in this town and he will handle it, the cops were his friends and they will let them go. So when we got there, the police & fire station were together, in the small little town, the police office was a 10 x 10 little room... I could tell Erica was on something , b/c her eyes looked it and she was screaming at me for no reason, but I found out later why she was so mean to me. The cops told me when they stopped Ryan, they could tell he was impaired.. they gave Ryan a breatholizer twice, it show nothing was in his system 0% alcohol, but to the cops told me Ryan was on something, so keep and eye on him, when we got home... I screamed and said to the police, should I bring him to the hospital!!!! They said no just keep an eye on him, just incase he passes something. I said again should we take him to the hospital, they said no..So they get into the car, Ryan telling us that he had some pills in a baggie and swallowed them, so he wouldn't get caught.. I screamed and said what did you take.. he said he had taken xannex earlier, and had 3 oxycotin in a baggie and swallowed it...Justin said he should be ok because he has taken that many before.. So I went into shock, as though this is not happening, We got home Erica went up stairs, and Ryan got a bowl of cereal, and laid next to me on my bed, he seemed fine, I don't know why I didn't take him to the hospital. It was like God block it out of everyone of us as if it all was suppose to happen that way..I hate myself!! I lost my mind for awhile, I still can't believe between the police Justin Ryan and Erica especially me, WHY WHY WHY didn;t I take him?????? I can't forgive myself... I am crazy b/c, I 'm his mom and I didn'tt do what I should of done...ood friday afternoon, Easter Weekend April 14, 2006, was Good Friday, April 15th the morning he was prononced dead, it was my worst weekend, worst Easter ever.. Ryan's Birth certificate say's Ryan was born on a Sat. at 4:15... Ryan's Death certificate says Ryan died on Saturday month 4-15.. There is so many other things which help me see this was suppose to happen..... MY STORY WHICH TOOK ME FOREVER TO WRITE!!!!, LOVE All OF YOU SISTERS AT HEART!! KELLY
Ryan had been waiting to go back to work with his dad (contruction work).. Steve his father gets laid off a couple months every winter... it was always a disaster with Ryan & Erica's dad drinking everyday. When he got back to work at the end of March beginning of April, he worked hard and made great money for 10 months of work... The reason I left Steve b/c of his alcohol problem. I can't believe March 17th it was 11 years since I walked out on him....
Anyway, the first day of work, Ryan went to pick his dad up to start working.. When he got to his house, his dad was really sick and couldn't go to work, he went to the hospital a few days later and the Doctor admitted him in the Hospital for kidney Failure... His heart rate was 240 or so, the Doctor said his heart rate being so high, should of exploded and can't believe he was still alive...The Doctor told him he would have to be on Dialysis 3 times of week, for the rest of his life...So we were all shocked to hear that at the age 46 years old.. The whole time we were worried his dad was gonna die... The night Ryan had his Drug overdose, Ryan & Erica spent the day with his dad at the hospital.. That night Ryan called about 3 of his friends, and his girl friend. None of them called him back.. So Erica and Ryan and his friend Chad went over to this guys house, who my nephew Justin's friend Chad, ended up becoming a friend of Ryans...Which I had bad Vibes about him in the first place.
Being a single mom and having problems with my BF, the kids running the show....Ryan & his girlfriend were having troubles, Erica and her girlfriends were sneaky young girls, which I was worried more about ERICA, and her girlfriends.. I even asked Ryan to help me, I was afraid Erica was gonna overdose on drugs..I can remember Ryan looking at me, as I was looking upstairs at him,... What I didn't know until later, Justin had Erica hooked on drugs at a young age of 12.. Ryan stayed away from drugs, until he was closer to 18, and when he had troubles with his girlfriend for a couple of months, Ryan started hanging out with Erica..They became very close, but what I didn't know he started getting Drugs from Justins drug dealer, because Justin was using Erica and her friends. Charging them top dollar for them so he could do his for nothing...Erica told Ryan that, so he got pissed of at Justin for ripping these young girls.. So in Ryans mind he would get them for her cheaper.... Anyway, GOD threw me a curve ball, everyone was so suprise Ryan was the one who OD...Now RYAN's 5th year is coming up...I believe God had put all this chaos in my life at that time, to block it out of my mind, "I was in SHOCK" God had planned with Ryan before Ryan was born.. The agreement before Ryan was concieved in my womb..I have to think in this way, or I'll go CRAZY!!! I Have to forgive ME first... Erica told me Ryan wanted me to be proud of him, so thats way he didn't want me to know...............I have more to be continued........Love you all!!!!! Kelly
That night Ryan died really haunts me terribly..I feel like, if I wasn't soooo stupid, Ryan would be alive today...But I believe from the intuitions, premonitions, overwhelming feelings, visions, Coincidences, before and after Ryans Accidental Drug Overdose... The build up of events, that was happening, people , places, and things getting in the way...WAS GODS WAY for Several of us,,,, Family members, my nephew Justin which is 3 years older than Ryan, Justin was like my oldest son and looked out for Ryan, (supposedly)...Justin was such a big help when we would take the Boys, snowmobiling, boating and dirt bike riding, when they were younger...Accept Justin got into the drug seen, and was 3 years older than Ryan and 7 years older then Erica...
When I got home from work around 8:30, my mom said I just missed my Son Ryan & Daughter Erica by about 20 minutes...I was feeling overwhelmed and upset that I had missed them. I wanted to take them out for dinner, like we did the week before on a friday night... Life was in my head as liked something I never experienced in my life. Everything looked foggy, steamy, I could see halo's around them, everything was going in slow motion.. Things looked if things were swaying...
Now I walked down to my part of the house,(2 family house) My nephew Justin followed me into the bedroom, and asked me what was the matter..I told him I don't know why I was feeling so overwhelmed, and I don't like it, and hated how I felt...Justin Said he was waiting for Ryan & Erica to get back home..Justin was acting strange, I had bad vibes, cause, at this time, he introduced my 18 year old, Ryan and my 14 year old Erica to his Drug dealer,(this all came out later).. Ryan was driving, Erica in the passenagers seat, and a older kid Chad in the back seat... The police stopped them and saw that they were impaired. Erica called Justin and Justin told me they got stopped , and we need to go pick them up. Justin came with me, to get them in this small little town, about 1/2 hour away. Justins telling me he knows the police in this town and he will handle it, the cops were his friends and they will let them go. So when we got there, the police & fire station were together, in the small little town, the police office was a 10 x 10 little room... I could tell Erica was on something , b/c her eyes looked it and she was screaming at me for no reason, but I found out later why she was so mean to me. The cops told me when they stopped Ryan, they could tell he was impaired.. they gave Ryan a breatholizer twice, it show nothing was in his system 0% alcohol, but to the cops told me Ryan was on something, so keep and eye on him, when we got home... I screamed and said to the police, should I bring him to the hospital!!!! They said no just keep an eye on him, just incase he passes something. I said again should we take him to the hospital, they said no..So they get into the car, Ryan telling us that he had some pills in a baggie and swallowed them, so he wouldn't get caught.. I screamed and said what did you take.. he said he had taken xannex earlier, and had 3 oxycotin in a baggie and swallowed it...Justin said he should be ok because he has taken that many before.. So I went into shock, as though this is not happening, We got home Erica went up stairs, and Ryan got a bowl of cereal, and laid next to me on my bed, he seemed fine, I don't know why I didn't take him to the hospital. It was like God block it out of everyone of us as if it all was suppose to happen that way..I hate myself!! I lost my mind for awhile, I still can't believe between the police Justin Ryan and Erica especially me, WHY WHY WHY didn;t I take him?????? I can't forgive myself... I am crazy b/c, I 'm his mom and I didn'tt do what I should of done...ood friday afternoon, Easter Weekend April 14, 2006, was Good Friday, April 15th the morning he was prononced dead, it was my worst weekend, worst Easter ever.. Ryan's Birth certificate say's Ryan was born on a Sat. at 4:15... Ryan's Death certificate says Ryan died on Saturday month 4-15.. There is so many other things which help me see this was suppose to happen..... MY STORY WHICH TOOK ME FOREVER TO WRITE!!!!, LOVE All OF YOU SISTERS AT HEART!! KELLY
Replies
So glad you were able to tell your story. I thnk each of us has a dozen \"what ifs\" and \"if onlys\". We have to forgive ourselves. It we had known, we would have done things differently!! I also had those premonisions (or whatever you want to call them). The last time I saw Philip, I was on the computer involved in something. He came in all excited about something \"silly\" and I just wanted him to go home. It was if I heard God\'s voice say, \"Stop and really listen to your son!\" So that is what I did. He was exited because he didn\'t have a radio in his car and had taken the old one from my car and after much difficulty, he got it in. Also, his dog had gotten lose on the 4th of July (scared by fireworks) and after about 5 days, someone found and returned him. And he had just rescued a large dog that someone had dumped near his house. He felt like if someone could find and rescue his dog, he should do them same. So I spent time really rejoicing with him over these things. Before he left I gave him a big hug. That was the last time I ever saw him. Thank you God for caring enough for me, to get my attention so that my last visit with Philip was special!! Love and comfort!! Linda
I remember reading about your visions of The Last Supper before. I truly believe in signs and visions. My heart is with you friend. Love, Kelly
My heart goes out to you Kelly....all the if onlys in the world do not change a thing they only torture us. You have to find some peace with this and be kind to yourself. Marilyn xo
I\'ve played the last ten days of Chad\'s life over and over in my mind, so many times. Like you, I find it so hard, to believe I could not have done something different, to change the outcome..................I\'m sending you some love, because I really do, KNOW where you are coming from. Hugs. Gaye
Kelly, I believe the only way that we can see our ways through this is with lots of help from our Higher Power. I have to continually surrender what I cannot live with and ask that the seeds of darkness come back as healing and light. I believe in our journeys we are called to surrender daily because we begin to \"take back\" those things that we have absolutely no control over. I understand where you are needing to find yourself for today yet only you can decide how long you need to stay and if it is serving you... It takes so much courage and vulnerability to be able to tell our narrative as you are doing, and as we bring these painful places into the light they lose power to control every waking thought that we have. I understand dear friend so very well what you are describing and wish the outcome for our sons could have been different yet it wasn\'t. Please give it over again and again and again... With love and so much heartfelt understanding. XO Joanie
Thank you for sharing your story. I think we all feel somehow responsible for our children\'s deaths - if only I had done this or seen that..... In all reality there really isn\'t anything we could have done to change things.
All we could do was the best we could do but it s hard not to blame ourselves.
As you said, and I believe, our lot in life is destined. We are here to accomplish something, and when we are done, we leave. I hate it that Lisa\'s time here was so short and we are deprived of her love and wisdom. It seems so unfair that our kids couldn\'t have the wonderful lives we envisioned for them,
I wish you love and peace,
Hugs,
Marlene - Lisa\'s Mum
We are in this together.
I have no answers, no comfort even....unless there be comfort in another mom saying.....I\'m sorry, I love you, you did the best you could do in that moment in time.
We must forgive ourselves. NOTHING we did or didn\'t do was for the purpose of causing harm to our children. Why do we torture ourselves??
Give yourself the gift you would give others....forgiveness.
We\'ll never get anywhere unless we forgive ourselves. I try not to do that anymore, I have no control over the past. I try to \"let it go\". Easier said than done I know. Love Susan
Kelly, you did what you thought was right and what everyone else thought was right at the time. You are not to blame and I too believe that our paths are chosen and God knows the day we are born, the day we will go home. We just don\'t understand the circumstances sometimes. Thank you for sharing your precious Ryan with us. I remember that vision you had of the Last Supper. You need to let go of any guilt and allow yourself forgiveness. My heart is with you my friend. Love & Hugs, Kim
Kelly, thank you for trusting us to share your inner most feelings. I think no matter the cause of death, we as mothers were supposed to have protected our children and when we were unable to do so and when we were unable to prevent their death, we carry and battle that guilt. It is called \"survivors guilt\". Oh how I wish I could tell you the magic words to help you rid yourself of this guilt. I can only give you my perspective. I think when we don\'t forgive ourselves, we limit ourselves from living fully and when we continue to carry guilt, we feel we don\'t deserve good things in our lives. We know in our minds that is not true but telling our hearts is another story. I know our children would not want that for us. They want us to live fully and to let love flow all around. I believe and know that there is no perfect parent. We loved and continue to love our children and we didn\'t need to be perfect. We needed to be \"enough\" and I know Ryan felt you were enough. I know he would not want you to continue to beat yourself up over this. Even if you had taken him to the hospital, you don\'t know what the outcome would have been. I\'ve had to battle this guilt too and I think we become somewhat arrogant (for lack of a better word) thinking we could have changed things. Perhaps we could, but we certainly do not know that and so we have to believe, we did \"enough\" and we did what we thought best at the time. I live with the belief that our children are only \"loaned\" to us on earth until it is time for them to go home and we don\'t ever know when that will be. Our children our home now and I do know we will see them again. Sending you lots of love and prayers that your mind will ease. Love to you. Robin
How difficult it is for you with all that goes around in your head...having gone through what you went through and yet really no good advise from others that should have been there for the right answers. My son passed away from cancer yet I was given so many mixed information and feel I did not step up and do what now I feel if I had soon he would maybe still be alive....I have no answers. I think that maybe it was my sons time and no matter how I could have intervened it may have not changed the outcome. What you have written even though we lost our sons in different ways my guilt is also why didn\'t I step up do more. I could see things were not right, his wife\'s family could to but it seemed so out of our control.....blaming ourselves will not change what has happened. But we know we loved our boys and if we could have changed things we would have..it\'s true somehow we must forgive ourselves if we can. Some day forgiveness will come ....
We can all second guess ourselves for eternity and it won\'t change a thing. We just do the best we can. There are always the wat if\'s and if I only\'s, but we only put some things together after the fact. You are a loving, wonderful Mother whose son was tragically taken from this life way too soon. I\'m glad you shared your story. Know that you are loved and supported by your sisters here. Love and hugs...Lynn
Oh the \"what ifs\" and \"if onlys\" and \"woulda/coulda/shouldas\". We all feel that there must have been some way, some how for us to save our children. And I, like you and many of the other Moms, had premonitions in the weeks leading up to our precious children\'s untimely passing. I had bad feelings for the entire summer that Corrie was at the camp in Maine. It was a terrible summer weather wise in Maine ~ cold and rainy literally every single day ~ and Corrie hated the cold and the rain. Meanwhile, we were having a hot, sunny summer in Seattle where I kept telling myself I should have FORCED her to go to help me pack for the move to Nevada instead of being a counselor at a camp 3000 miles away. But I didn\'t. Every time I thought of Corrie that summer I felt nauseous and wrong. In the week just before and most especially on the day that she was killed by the drunk driver the feeling of premonition and foreboding was overwhelming. Corrie\'s sister, Allie, was in Seattle with me and we went out to dinner at an outdoor cafe and then to an outdoor sculpture park where, suddenly, for no apparent reason at 8:30 pm (11:30 on the east coast, the time Corrie died) my feet became so painful I could not walk on them (pebbles in my flip flops which never happens!) and Allie suddenly felt really ill and too hot (it was a hot evening) so we ran back to the car and drove back home, spending an uneasy evening until we received the phone call from Maine 3 1/2 hours later...
I think you are right that sometimes our kids are just showing us the way and reaching out to help and to bless from their new and higher vantage points and perspectives on what life really is. It\'s so painful and sad, but there must be a purpose for their going on before us ~ the two amazing medical recoveries in your family are wonderful examples!
Please ~ do whatever it takes to forgive yourself ~ you are an amazing, loving Mom who has always done what you felt was best at the time. I\'m sure Ryan doesn\'t feel you did anything wrong and will help you to forgive yourself and to be gentle on yourself.
I send much love and great big hugs of peace and understanding ~ Debbie
Oh Kelly...there is no way that any of us truly believed that our children would die. We always feared it...especially if they did stupid things...but we really never thought it would happen to us. So, friend...you did all you knew to do...you love Ryan...you have always loved him. IF you had known...really known that he would die...you would have taken him to the hospital. Forgive yourself...you are a good mom. Love and gentle hugs...Karen
As I read your journal, all I could think about was how courageous you are. Learning to forgive ourselves is the hardest thing to do, but it is a needful thing in order for us to be able to learn to live again and find that new normal. In reading your journal I could feel your love for your children you went through so much before Ryans death. I don\'t feel like you forsook your Ryan, I got the impression you were doing the best you could considering all that you went through. I think we all look back on the time that our children died and wonder if we could have done anything different. All the what ifs, should ofs and could ofs will drive us crazy if we let it. I pray that God will give you the strength to forgive yourself and give you the peace that passeth all understanding in knowing that you did the best for your Ryan. The enemy of our soul would want you to continue to stay down and not be happy. It is Gods will that we forgive ourselves, so that He can heal our broken hearts. Hugs and Lots of Love.... Debbie