Trying to find some faith

For so long I've denounced being in a religion and anything that went with it. But these days I'm in need to some major faith training. I feel so alone all the time. Even when I'm sitting in a room full of people I feel alone, I might as well be in the middle of the ocean. Sometimes I feel like I yell out for help so loud but no matter how loud I scream no one hears me. Maybe it's because I don't really want to be heard. Well not by anyone i can hear or see at least. I need something higher. I need help. what kind of help I cant call it but I know I need it. Everyday I put on my own little show of happiness and content when in fact I'm torn up inside. I cry in the shower I talk to myself inside my head and honestly I just hate life. But I'm a coward. Many days I've sat with a knife in my hand or pills in my mouth but I always punk out. And I've heard people say " if she really wanted to die, she would've done it already" but thats not true I do so badly want to stop this pain filled life of mine but then I think what's next. What's after this? If I kill myself will the pain finally stop or will I find myself in a pain most dreadful than this. Those questions that no one has the answers to is why I haven't done it already. I'm tired of lying to everyone including myself. but no one would understand. People say my life isn't that bad and that others have it so much worse and Yes I know that there are others out there going through the same thing and those that are going through even worse things and I applaud then for being as strong as they are but I'm not them. My strength is an illusion created by me so I wouldn't have to answer questions everyday or hear the speeches about how I should get over things. I've been raped, beaten up, broken hearted and abandoned on may occasions. Many people have gone through the same and many have healed or gotten past these things but sadly I have not. I think about these things every day I take a breath. I can't just get over it and lord knows I want to but I can't. So much has been taken away from me things I can't replace or just forget.