Trying To Find Peace
It's been a month today since I lost my husband, and I am so lost and just can't find any peace of mind. All I do is focus on him and constantly wonder how will I go on? Although I have wonderful friends and family it's just a lonely and empty feeling 24/7, his death was quite sudden since he was diagnosed last March with stage 1 lymphoma, and after treatments of radiation seemed to have beaten it had clear scans for several months then in January his pet scan came back stage 4, it was devastating I just could not believe it. He received 3 chemo treatments and got an infection and passed away in April I am still in disbelief and angry and scared I have no peace. I pray that God will give me the peace I need to go on, I miss him so much he was my best friend and soul mate and now I feel like part of my soul is gone. When I get up and he's not there to have coffee with me it breaks my heart I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I am so tired of thinking and crying. I am hoping that other people can help me find a balance somehow it's been only a month I know and it's so fresh but at the rate I am going I feel like I am ready to just find a place to hide and not be seen again. I go to church and I have so many people praying for me sometimes I fee ungrateful but I can't stop focusing on how quickly this all came to be.
Replies
You\'re right, it\'s only been a month. You can\'t expect too much of yourself and certainly not this soon, while it\'s so painful and raw and you\'re still mostly numb. Unfortunately, it takes months and sometimes years to work through the issues that come up and you\'ll never be the same person again.
Finding a new balance is hard work. You have to create a brand-new life that you never wanted and were not expecting to have. I find myself saying yes to everybody who invites me anywhere, just to get out of the house and be with people. I\'m doing better with people than on my own.
Don\'t worry about being grateful or having a heart ready to pray. Right now you\'re more likely to feel angry and ripped-off than grateful. It will all come.
Hugs, Gail
its so early for you,but l understand all the things you have written,because they applied to me at that time.My husband died 17 months ago and at the very early stages l felt just like you.lt is so hard,but with time it will get a bit more bearable.
Alice
People tell me that it will take time of course but the times I am alone are the hardest. I try to stay busy but of course it creeps back in especially the whole ordeal. I hang on to God and that seems to be my only salvation my children and family members are wonderful. The one thing I cannot do right now is being with my friends that are coupled off it\'s excruciating because we were part of that. Thanks for your comments take care
Take care of yourself the best you can right now. Even if you just eat when you are hungry, drink when you are thirsty and rest when you are tired. Please don\'t expect anything in your life to be normal right now. Rely on your family, your friends and of course, you have all of us at DS anytime of the day or night. So sorry for your heart break. Cindy xxoo
Sorry to hear of your husband\'s struggle. I too, know your feelings. I cried every morning I woke up for the 1st month or so. Advice to you for now is to take things slowly and know that your friends & family are always there for you as you say. If your church has a grief group, it may help you too. Keep drinking water.....the tears take it out of us!
Peace to you,
Kate
I am so sorry for your loss. I totally understand your feelings, because I have lived through them. It\'s a very hard struggle and many emotions can be overwhelming. The most important thing is to be patient and give yourself time and space. Don\'t force yourself, nothing now is more important than you. I really think you will find a lot of support here on DS. I\'ve been here since 2007 soon after I lost my husband of 40 years. Sending a big hug. Sharon
I am so sorry for your loss. I can certainly sympathize. My husband went very suddenly after they had told us the cancer in his esophagus was gone, then 8 months after his diagnosis he developed a hole in his esophagus and passed away. You have found a very good site, here. Keeping you in my prayers. Sue