trying to catch my breath.....

good morning.

did chores, trash to curb, out of breath.  THANK God for CHAIRS!  no need to cry while sitting on cave man tough boulders.  soft cushiony comfort....wahoo!

seek joy, push away the dark clouds.  all the time i've been doing chores i've been mad.  i think why hasn't debra ever tried to come visit me?  she sticks with the "if i had a car i'd be there".  but why doesn't she say to one of her driving friends that her good and trusted friend is in a flare, can we go see her?  for example today they are at the OwLs gathering, my home is 7 minutes from that meeting place. not hours, not days.....minutes. 

why do i say good and trusted friend?  because that is what she called me ....a sign that our friendship had grown over time.......and then once she moved she would call and say Hi, This is Debra Jones (not her real last name) calling you......hello!  So somehow I'd been moved into the acquaintance slot.  hurts. i can still be hurt by the lack of trying on the part of others.  i stepped up  so many times as her pal......why ask why?  it is what it is.  we need to show up.......we have learned how hard it is to do that with our challenges, but we have also learned to communicate and lend support by sending emails as we can.  by sending hugs as we can......signs that we care.  why did debra let go of me so easily?  her last words to me were if you can go (on the trip to helen) call me on Thursday night.....she hasn't sent a note that she is praying for me even once.  she hasn't sent me any encouragement this week since we last spoke.  do i expect to much of her?  maybe? probably.......i can be a real slug in the communication department.  can't have two sets of rules, one for me and another for everybody else.  i just don't know......but i do know it hurts.

still mad that she only managed to save $10 for our trip (all these months).......which made it up to me to carry her financially.  is that fair?  why didn't she tell me 2 or 3 months ago that she couldn't afford to go?  allow me to ask someone else......?  stupid to talk about a trip i can't take.  sam has now decided to go to helen on friday night......come back for an event here on sunday and then drive back up on monday.  so he wants me to come up still........we could hang out friday night, saturday and sunday morning.......SO STUPID to talk about the things i'm talking about.  if someone else could pack a bag of clothes and a container of food i could go........maybe, a fairly big maybe.  after some basic chores i hurt like the dickens.  the edema, the pain in my body, all these symptoms......am i alert enough to drive there?  not sure. 

enough already ruth, enough.  just stop it.  stop resenting others for their limitations.  stop it now.  stop thinking about this trip, accept that this time you need to stay home.  be still and quiet. 

even though i know no one is coming to visit i do this thing every sunday and every wednesday that i can't go to church or go to owls i tidy up, brush my hair, put on a fresh gown......and hope that someone will just show up.  come to visit. 

stella surprised me a couple of times by landing literally on my doorstep and calling me to announce her arrival at the very second she rang the doorbell which was unsettling.  on the other side of my front door was a wonky girl with unbrushed hair and teeth usually......not a fresh gown, no lotion on to aid in creating a sweet smelling sick chick.  and well that other thing.....having a bra on......i don't feel comfortable around others without a bra on

.....in our family growing up we were more buttoned up.  don't even leave your bedroom without a robe on as a little kid.  when no one is here i am laid back.......but when stella showed up i panicked.......my lilttle heart beat like a drum as i called out hang on, give me a minute.......rest in one of the chairs on the porch.  and then i realized it usually wasn't just her, she had more family along with her.  oh my goodness. 

so there i am panicky and stricken instead of happily opening my door.  is there no pleasing me?  what is my deal?  i would like a half hour notice before a visit, that way if necessary i can shower.......or manage a spit bath, a pony tail and a fresh nightie. 

i come here and talk about the stupidest things that run through my head and then i think delete all this nonsense.  but somehow i think i need to be honest so i can improve as a person.  that i am of value by trying to become a better, kinder, truly nicer person.  that i can be a forgiving more understanding person, that i can forgive others of what i want to be forgiven of myself.

......turn the page for a minute.  my car runs great.  i called the owner Paul and thanked him for all of his hard work and for bringing the costs down, how much he'd stepped up to the plate for someone with budgetary constraints.  it was extraordinary that he did that.....he cared for someone in need of help and still made money.  he charged me his normal labor rates, but reduced the cost of repairs by going with more economy minded parts.  after we got off the phone he must have thought about my sharing how i don't drive a lot of miles based on my health restraints and put that info to work with his car repair knowledge and gave this customer a viable solution.  pretty special.......really special.

i also gave him the full five stars via google reviews.  yayyyyyyyy!

i woke up with terrible all over head pain last night.....migrainelike pain.  i'll be glad when this stops.  everytime i eat the edema balloons right back up.  right now any kind of salt, even low sodium foods ramp up the swelling.  when will this quit happening? 

maybe poached eggs would be safe?  took meds but no food, the nausea is coming closer.  time for eggs and a nap.  sorry for being such a doofus in my head, and sorrier still for telling you via this journal how stupidly i think sometimes.  i'm at the point where i don't know if i have the right to expect anything better than the way things are.....because visitation is such a rarity.  my pastor said he'd try to get someone to come visit me, but he never offered to come himself.  does that seem odd to anyone?  or is it because i didn't directly ask him to come......?  hoping he would offer and so afraid he wouldn't.  in the end he did not offer to come so that is another answer.

i reached out to another church in my area......we'll see what happens there.  time to turn more than one page maybe.  maybe......pray daily for daily strength.  something we all need consistently to manage our lives.

hugs to all and to all a big batch of love and care this very day!