Trying To Be Positive

Everytime I write a story, wether its a play, poetic, a skit, or just a simple short story, I always end up writting about abuse. The girl gets sexually assaulted, or she gets beat, or both. A lot of times the girl is often hospitalized too, and it's usually done by somebody very close to her, like her best guy friend or her boyfriend. I dream about me being hurt. Lately, I've had dreams that my boyfriend & I broke up, because he thought I was cheating because we had decided to to marraige for sex, its been like 6 months since we did anything & I got sick, & turned out to be like 2 or 3 months pregnant. (really, I was raped, which is how I got pregnant). Well, I ended up getting with another dude, when eventually after stuff starts to go wrong in his life, he starts to take his furstrations out on me. First he yelled, then the beating came, then the constant sexual assaults, & it kept getting wrose. Sometimes I cry from my dreams, esp when my boyfriend/ex ends up engaged or married. I cry very hard sometimes, but usually if I cry, that's the only emotion I show towards the dreams. I dont want to be, but I think Im addicted to pain...not too much physically, but emotionally. I dont want to end up beaten by a man I thought cared. I dont want to be sexually used by him neither...not again.  Last night I had a dream that after I went back to college next semester, one of the upperclassmen, this guy that me & the rest of my percussion brothers & sisters were really close to, he was almost like a big brother at times...but in this dream, he had...sexually assaulted me. He told me to meet him somewhere & I did. He wanted to give me a ride somewhere, & I trust him. Plus, he goes with my bassdrum sister/highschool friend. So He parked the car, & was lookin at me wierd...the kinda look that my assaulter in real life gave me, & every other dude that sexually harrassed me to the point that Im not sure if they would try to make a pass at me or not gives. But back to the dream, he lifted the arm rest up in the front seat & slid over closer to me. He started touchin on me & crap, & I told him to stop. I asked him what he was doin, & he gaveme the look & climbed on top of me. I tried to get out, but the child lock was on & the doors were locked. He let the seat down & played with me at first for a while before he...you know what.  I even had a dream that my boyfriend hurt me too, but he would never do that...but then again, never say never. But from what I kno, My baby wont ever hurt me like that, nor would that upperclassmen...I just keep thinkin its gonna happen again. Im trying to be positive, but I still think Im gone get...raped again.  ********************************************************************Last year, a guy was touchin on me, & I told him not to, & he tried to kiss on me & was gone rape me, but thanks to my "brothers", I was able to get out. Another guy was playin around, but he wouldnt let me up, & it almost really upset me because it reminded me of what my assaulter did, even though he wasnt touching me sexually...but he was on top of me, & that's all that it took to   bring back memories. Then there was an upperclassmen that assaulted me, no he didnt put nothing in, but he did kiss on me & touch me & mess around my chest area. It's like guys wont leave me alone, but I dont see why. I know I have big lips, a big chest, & a handfull in the back, but I aint Hallie Berry, if you know what I mean. I gues guys like insecure girls...or naive like girls, I dont know. Or maybe its because I seem still a little innocent that they like...