Trying....

Well, it has been almost 14 months since my beloved Duane passed.  I feel so much like i am on a roller coaster and I can't get off.  I doubt if I am any different than anyone else in this situation. Lately, I have been struggling. I thought the feelings that going home at the end of the day to an empty house induced were subsiding, but lately mid-afternoon I get this clenching in my chest. It hits me he won't be home for me to share my day with or his with me. From what I understand, these set backs occur. I have great friends and family who are wonderul at supporting me, but it is still not the same as the two of us sitting next to each other, holding hands, and feeling the love flow between us. I am just pouring my heart out here. i need to get these feelings out. I recently updated my kitchen and bedroom. My children are like "Don't you love it Mom?"...so excited about the me doing these things. I try to be enthusiastic, but all I can think is I used his life insurance money to do it and he is not here to share the results. That would be what would make it really thrilling for me. That we had done the remodeling together...made the decisions together. We were always together.