trying.....

Trying but seems to be a lost cause...Today I recieved the memorial stone with my babys name on it and I placed it in his garden..I go and talk to a damn garden..yes my babys buried there but I tend to that garden as if my life depended on it and I guess it kind of is because my heart and who I was is buried along with my Giz.I can never be who I was.. and frankly I dont know if I can ever be that happy always smiling person..when it is there its just a front..I'd like to feel like I used to but I know that will never be. I try..God I try but I just cant get past what I had to do that morning and I could not breathe life back into that baby no matter how much I cried begged him to wake up , to not leave me..for 4 hours I tried and I could not save him...He was gone when I woke but  I tried !!If only and I live with if onlys daily I had taken him to the vets the night before..I had my chance and god I let him down..