Truckin'
In order to change one thing in my life, I am going to have to change more than one thing. Because somethings are just simply a trigger to the other things. I need a lifestyle change all together. Even though I haven't had complete success in my past attempt at recovery, I can't chalk them up as failures either. I would rather like to look at them as learning experiences, just like the mistakes I made were also learning experiences. And though the subconscious mind likes to dwell on negativity from these "learning experiences" and remind me that they were mistakes, I will not listen to this negative self-talk that continues to tell me I am a failure and f*ck up! I believe to reprogram the subconscious I am going to have to change my lifestyle consciously day by day and it will take some time. I don't think it will take the full 12 years that it took to mess things up to get better, but rather I believe it will happen as a process, much like messing things up was a process. This process towards recovery thought I believe will be easier and more comforting and rewarding as time progresses though, much the opposite of my previous process over the last 12 years of my life.
So, I will be working on change. Staying out of trouble, staying away from drugs and alcohol, starting medication to battle the strong symptoms that I am having that at times are overwhelming, finding some counseling and support groups, eliminating people from my life that are still living the lifestyle that I want to escape, replacing those people with people that I can benefit from having in my life, getting back on track with an exercise routine and sticking to it, taking vitamins and recreating a healthy diet, and pluggin into resources that will help me get to where I wanna be vocationally.
Today I have 7 days without acting out sexually. Today I shot up Heroin. Today my intrusive thoughts were bad, but nowhere nearly as bad as when I act out sexually. This goes to show me that acting out doesnt help my OCD, only makes it worse. So I think the underlying issue is the OCD, but I think the OCD biologically may have been caused by drug/alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, and 12 years of bad programming. Wednesday = Drs. appointment and begin medication for OCD and Anxiety. Tomorrow is day one of sobriety.
Exercise. I read the the power exercises are best done at night time to release stress. So I will put the cardio workouts in the morning for at least 30 minutes a day and the power ups at night. I can't get a gym membership right now, but once I do I will make a new routine. Right now I am having to resort to calasthenics and cadrio. Tomorrow I will do morning cardio and once night time arrives I will max out on burpies and hit up the ab workouts I do.
I have some pending charges with the law because I went to a bar and drank and got into a fight. I am on probation from charges from the past, so drinking I do believe violates my probation. A cop came and hit me with charges of public drunkeness and engaging in a fight. These are both summary offenses but as I said probably violate my probation thus putting me back in jail. I also have charges in a case that is yet to be open because of lack of evidence and a statement from myself. This case includes Felony and Misdeminor charges. The charges are Burglary and Criminal Trespassing. However I am innocent on all these charges and just trusted the wrong person on the wrong night obviously. The girl who made these lies up about me stealing from her apartment when she wasnt there is now in jail herself I just found out. I found out she is a compulsive liar and has a bunch of problems herself. I just don't get the concept of inviting somebody you just met into you home to sleep on the floor so I wouldnt have to spend the night outside somewhere, only to turn around the next day and make lies up to get me in trouble. Is it because she is trying to get money out of the situation? I don't know, I dont get it. I went back to her house the next day and she wasn't there. My bike was still in her place because I had it inside the night before so nobody would steal it from outside. I knocked, there was no answer. Her door was unlocked so I went inside and got my bike, left, period. Later on I find out about her allegations towards me and how she was telling the police these lies about how I robbed her apartment. Strange. Tonight I find out she is in jail. Why? I dont know. I do need to get this situation under control, but I am so looking foward to starting my medication, getting locked up is going to put a kink in my recovery. I know I can get my medicine in jail, but it will take a few days before they get it for me, plus the atmosphere inside there isnt good for recovery. I would be guarenteed sobriety though in there, and would also overcome my nicoteen addiction being I can't smoke or chew in there. I can still continue my exercise program in there also. So maybe it is a good thing, and I have to clear this shit up anyways sooner or later. However, I may chose to go away for a little while and just recover before taking care of all this. That way I go into jail with a clearer head and won't have to deal with those idiots in my current state of mind, which isnt that good. As far as they know, I have no idea about these charges, afterall he never told me I was getting charges outta the whole fight at the bar thing and the charges coming at me from the girl about her appartment I wouldn't even know about if my Gramma wouldnt have told me that the police called her looking for me. I then proceeded to look my record and current situation up on an internet website that a friend of mine knew about, and wah-lah! So...I am not sure what I am going to do yet about all this, but I need to get to my Dr. on Wednesday before I make any decisions, I do know that.
I also am going to keep on journaling, being that tonights entry has allowed me to talk about all the things going on and put stuff into a better perspective, written down. I like to write anyways, I am a writer, so. If I am pulled away from my availability to make entrys on DS, then I will continue to write on paper for the time being. It is much like doing the 10th step, which is constantly taking a daily inventory, day in - day out. It helps.
With that being said, I am going to close this one out and get some sleep here eventually.
So, I will be working on change. Staying out of trouble, staying away from drugs and alcohol, starting medication to battle the strong symptoms that I am having that at times are overwhelming, finding some counseling and support groups, eliminating people from my life that are still living the lifestyle that I want to escape, replacing those people with people that I can benefit from having in my life, getting back on track with an exercise routine and sticking to it, taking vitamins and recreating a healthy diet, and pluggin into resources that will help me get to where I wanna be vocationally.
Today I have 7 days without acting out sexually. Today I shot up Heroin. Today my intrusive thoughts were bad, but nowhere nearly as bad as when I act out sexually. This goes to show me that acting out doesnt help my OCD, only makes it worse. So I think the underlying issue is the OCD, but I think the OCD biologically may have been caused by drug/alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, and 12 years of bad programming. Wednesday = Drs. appointment and begin medication for OCD and Anxiety. Tomorrow is day one of sobriety.
Exercise. I read the the power exercises are best done at night time to release stress. So I will put the cardio workouts in the morning for at least 30 minutes a day and the power ups at night. I can't get a gym membership right now, but once I do I will make a new routine. Right now I am having to resort to calasthenics and cadrio. Tomorrow I will do morning cardio and once night time arrives I will max out on burpies and hit up the ab workouts I do.
I have some pending charges with the law because I went to a bar and drank and got into a fight. I am on probation from charges from the past, so drinking I do believe violates my probation. A cop came and hit me with charges of public drunkeness and engaging in a fight. These are both summary offenses but as I said probably violate my probation thus putting me back in jail. I also have charges in a case that is yet to be open because of lack of evidence and a statement from myself. This case includes Felony and Misdeminor charges. The charges are Burglary and Criminal Trespassing. However I am innocent on all these charges and just trusted the wrong person on the wrong night obviously. The girl who made these lies up about me stealing from her apartment when she wasnt there is now in jail herself I just found out. I found out she is a compulsive liar and has a bunch of problems herself. I just don't get the concept of inviting somebody you just met into you home to sleep on the floor so I wouldnt have to spend the night outside somewhere, only to turn around the next day and make lies up to get me in trouble. Is it because she is trying to get money out of the situation? I don't know, I dont get it. I went back to her house the next day and she wasn't there. My bike was still in her place because I had it inside the night before so nobody would steal it from outside. I knocked, there was no answer. Her door was unlocked so I went inside and got my bike, left, period. Later on I find out about her allegations towards me and how she was telling the police these lies about how I robbed her apartment. Strange. Tonight I find out she is in jail. Why? I dont know. I do need to get this situation under control, but I am so looking foward to starting my medication, getting locked up is going to put a kink in my recovery. I know I can get my medicine in jail, but it will take a few days before they get it for me, plus the atmosphere inside there isnt good for recovery. I would be guarenteed sobriety though in there, and would also overcome my nicoteen addiction being I can't smoke or chew in there. I can still continue my exercise program in there also. So maybe it is a good thing, and I have to clear this shit up anyways sooner or later. However, I may chose to go away for a little while and just recover before taking care of all this. That way I go into jail with a clearer head and won't have to deal with those idiots in my current state of mind, which isnt that good. As far as they know, I have no idea about these charges, afterall he never told me I was getting charges outta the whole fight at the bar thing and the charges coming at me from the girl about her appartment I wouldn't even know about if my Gramma wouldnt have told me that the police called her looking for me. I then proceeded to look my record and current situation up on an internet website that a friend of mine knew about, and wah-lah! So...I am not sure what I am going to do yet about all this, but I need to get to my Dr. on Wednesday before I make any decisions, I do know that.
I also am going to keep on journaling, being that tonights entry has allowed me to talk about all the things going on and put stuff into a better perspective, written down. I like to write anyways, I am a writer, so. If I am pulled away from my availability to make entrys on DS, then I will continue to write on paper for the time being. It is much like doing the 10th step, which is constantly taking a daily inventory, day in - day out. It helps.
With that being said, I am going to close this one out and get some sleep here eventually.
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