Truce?
If there's such a thing as a truce between two people struggling to gain trust between each other, then that's what my W and I are doing right now. We were at each others throats fighting for privacy, and transparency, and respect, and some dignity in our relationship. We were at each other for everything. So we finally both snapped and sat down to talk. We called an official truce.
The terms of the truce are as follows;
We will start to respect the other person as an individual, then a friend, then a spouse. Alot of that deteriated when the A was brought to light. And we've both been struggling to get that back between us.
We will start (very tough) to trust that the other person has our back. And holds each others heart in their hands. This is really tough as my W had my heart in her hands and dropped it and stepped all over it. I'm not saying I trust her in general yet, but maybe in time.
We will start to focus on the present and the future with us and our family. We cannot keep living like we've been for 8 months when I found out about the A's. It's been a living hell.
We will start to really try to look at each other as more than the mother and fathr of our children. Start to look at each other as lovers. Baby steps, baby steps.
And we must meet every so often (but not all the time) to discuss our fears, concerns, impressions, and praises about each other. We would always talk about the A late at night in bed, or on a date; not good at all. We both started dreading going to bed or dates out. So we need to now schedule a discussion period that's like counseling, to discuss triggers, issues, etc. It seems to be working.
Trust? Not qute yet. I still don't trust that she won't be tempted by the OM, and she doesn't trust that I won't snoop into her private life. We'll see how long that takes for me. Awhile I assume.
I'm hanging in their for now. This seems to be working for the time being. I keep praying - diligently!
The terms of the truce are as follows;
We will start to respect the other person as an individual, then a friend, then a spouse. Alot of that deteriated when the A was brought to light. And we've both been struggling to get that back between us.
We will start (very tough) to trust that the other person has our back. And holds each others heart in their hands. This is really tough as my W had my heart in her hands and dropped it and stepped all over it. I'm not saying I trust her in general yet, but maybe in time.
We will start to focus on the present and the future with us and our family. We cannot keep living like we've been for 8 months when I found out about the A's. It's been a living hell.
We will start to really try to look at each other as more than the mother and fathr of our children. Start to look at each other as lovers. Baby steps, baby steps.
And we must meet every so often (but not all the time) to discuss our fears, concerns, impressions, and praises about each other. We would always talk about the A late at night in bed, or on a date; not good at all. We both started dreading going to bed or dates out. So we need to now schedule a discussion period that's like counseling, to discuss triggers, issues, etc. It seems to be working.
Trust? Not qute yet. I still don't trust that she won't be tempted by the OM, and she doesn't trust that I won't snoop into her private life. We'll see how long that takes for me. Awhile I assume.
I'm hanging in their for now. This seems to be working for the time being. I keep praying - diligently!
Replies
You have every right to be in her private life. It sounds like she wants privacy to still do as she pleases.
I know. And so I\'m telling her I am giving her that privacy, but I, in all honesty - for now - cannot. I still look at phone records. And I still look at emails. So far, she is keeping her end of the Truce bargain. It kind of makes me feel guilty, but at the same time, assured that she is trying. I hate what I have to do to stay alive!!!
Ty for the add! I just finished reading about your situation. I am very happy you are both calling a \"truce\" however its probably just a band aid. It has ONLY been 2 months from what I have read that your W has betrayed you, again. You have every right to check into her \"private\" life. What is a wife\'s private life from her husband? Further more any rights to privacy in her marriage changed the day she stepped outside of it. Total transparency is a MUST if you can even begin to TRY and build some type of trust. I am sorry but if my SO told me I could not \"snoop\" in his \"private\" life, especially after they betrayed me, that would be a deal breaker. I am not sensing a real sense of remorse on her end and that troubles me. What are HER plans for trying to work through the cheating? I hope she can talk to someone to figure out what is really going on with her because justifying it with its just sex, is insane to me and also not the real reason this is going on. Sending you much needed support!