trigger warning.. Not doing so great..

This morning I am really really bad... Thoughts of suicide or hurting myself are rushing in and flooding my mind.. I feel like I am drowning... I want this feeling to go away.. I just want it to stop.... I know i need to relax and try to calm down.. I know i shouldn't do anything stupid.. But I am becoming overwhelmed with these thoughts... If i just cut myself, all of this bad stuff in my head will go away.. Not for a long time, but I'll get a break, I'll get a few moments of peace... These thoughts will go away.. This pain, gone.. "just do it" replays over and over and over in my head... repeating itself, again and again and again... It's like my own mind is against me. It's pleading, begging me to just make it stop... And I want to be strong... I want to be strong sooo bad... But I want it to stop...
Suicide.... If I'd just do it... Just one shot... I have easy access to multiple guns, knives, hell I could probably even find pills... All of this could be over.. No more sadness, no more pain, no more anger, no more messing things up or feeling worthless.. No more heartbreak or being used or feeling alone... It would be so easy... Just gone.... I don't even know why I feel this way.. it hit me so fast and so hard.. This feeling is crushing me.. Like a bug on the bottom of my shoe... I can barely breathe... I haven't gone to sleep.... every time I lay down the thoughts get even worse.. and the nightmares.. I can't handle them right now... I'm so scared I won't make it through it this time.... I'm scared I won't be able to be strong...