trigger warning
Now I think I'm depressed. Or fighting to suppress the depression. Either way, I don't feel good. I wish I could throw up everything. Not because of Ana, but just because I would feel better...but I can't purge. I never letting myself try. I almost started purging last year. I really want to SOOOOOOOO badly though. I've craved it for a long time, but never could, until I purged (just water) last year (last semester/the beginning of this year) for the first time...Ana was starting to get her hands on me and try to control me :/ Oh well. But this time, I just want to throw up everything...all the filth, all the ugliness, the fat, the sadness, the loss of choice...everything. All my issues, I wish I could throw up.
----------------------TRIGGER WARNING-----------------------------------------------------------
It's funny how the world takes so much from you and gives nothing back. I fight all the time. I fight and push so much so that it has become my norm. I can barely keep up with school work. I don't feel like doing anything. Normal people have normal issues to deal with. They get stressed, yeah, but they can handle a lot more. But I'm not normal. I have to be in control at all times. I can't rest. I don't even know who I am anymore. I wear so many masks that it becomes hard to remember which face is real. I want to be normal. I want to be normal. I want it so bad. It's not fair.
When I was first assaulted, I was just beginning to like myself. I had struggled with depression, low-self esteem, and I thought I was fat (and I wasn't) and would restrict....but I was starting to think that maybe I was beautiful, maybe I had worth, and maybe, if I tried a little harder, I could actually be somebody great........and then he took my first kiss, touched me, fingered me, sucked on my breasts, grabbed on my butt, rubbed his penis on me....he did so much to me, and I had never even held hands with a guy before. He stole so many precious moments that really, only my future husband should have ever experienced. He dirtied me....confused me...scared me...broke me...derailed my life...he didn't even know me. He knew nothing about me. And when he raped me, HE KNEW I WAS A VIRGIN! He asked over and over if I was ready to give up my virginity. I said NO! Over and over. I told him to stop. He kept on and touched me to see if I was wet, and I was. He asked me if I was ready to give up my virginity for the last time, and I said no.....and he felt "down there" and said "but your body says you are." He knew I was scared and even said he wasn't going to do anything. I told him over and over and over and over NO! To get off me. I was so scared that at one point, all I could say was "no," and "stop." He said he wasn't going to stick his penis in...he knew I was scared. When he tried to stick it in the first time, that's when I yelled, "get off me!" And he did. I was in shock though, so my senses weren't as sharp as they should've been. He let me sit up, and I started to pull up my pants, when he grabbed my arm and stopped me. He forced himself on me. I couldn't push him off. I was strong, but I didn't have much upper body strength. He didn't even use a condom. And afterwards, he said, "see, that didn't even hurt......all that crying..." I thought that maybe he didn't break my skin and I was still a virgin, but there was blood. He asked if I was bleeding, and he looked at me with really scary eyes and said that he better not catch anything. He didn't cum in me....he came on my stomach. But I was still scared that I might have gotten pregnant. Every time he raped me, I would be stressed out, waiting for my period to come, and hoping that I wasn't pregnant. I had even planned to commit suicide if I was.
He took away a piece of me ever time he entered into me. He took more and more of my will away each time. It got to the point where I really didn't hardly fight back. And even after him, if a guy wanted to have sex, after the first time I had sex willingly, I just let them. I stayed away from guys, so that this wouldn't happen, so I'm not super experienced, sexually. Plus, every time I have sex, I cry. I wanted to wait for marriage. But I let guys touch me. I never say no anymore. Even now, if a guy wanted to touch me, here is more of a chance I would let him....and if he wanted to have sex, I would say no if he didn't seem strong or if he seems kind, but if he seems like he could easily force me, I would just let him do whatever. It's better to give it up than to get raped again. Well...honestly, I think I would fight more now, but for I long time I would. I just stayed away from those kinds of situations.
I'm so dirty now. I even learn to finger myself from when he assaulted me. I actually learned from him. He disgusts me....but I even loved him at a point. I thought that if I could get him to fall in love with me, he would marry me and it wouldn't matter. I had even questioned my own sexual orientation plenty of times.......
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The building I'm in is closing, so I have to go....I wish I could keep venting though :(
----------------------TRIGGER WARNING-----------------------------------------------------------
It's funny how the world takes so much from you and gives nothing back. I fight all the time. I fight and push so much so that it has become my norm. I can barely keep up with school work. I don't feel like doing anything. Normal people have normal issues to deal with. They get stressed, yeah, but they can handle a lot more. But I'm not normal. I have to be in control at all times. I can't rest. I don't even know who I am anymore. I wear so many masks that it becomes hard to remember which face is real. I want to be normal. I want to be normal. I want it so bad. It's not fair.
When I was first assaulted, I was just beginning to like myself. I had struggled with depression, low-self esteem, and I thought I was fat (and I wasn't) and would restrict....but I was starting to think that maybe I was beautiful, maybe I had worth, and maybe, if I tried a little harder, I could actually be somebody great........and then he took my first kiss, touched me, fingered me, sucked on my breasts, grabbed on my butt, rubbed his penis on me....he did so much to me, and I had never even held hands with a guy before. He stole so many precious moments that really, only my future husband should have ever experienced. He dirtied me....confused me...scared me...broke me...derailed my life...he didn't even know me. He knew nothing about me. And when he raped me, HE KNEW I WAS A VIRGIN! He asked over and over if I was ready to give up my virginity. I said NO! Over and over. I told him to stop. He kept on and touched me to see if I was wet, and I was. He asked me if I was ready to give up my virginity for the last time, and I said no.....and he felt "down there" and said "but your body says you are." He knew I was scared and even said he wasn't going to do anything. I told him over and over and over and over NO! To get off me. I was so scared that at one point, all I could say was "no," and "stop." He said he wasn't going to stick his penis in...he knew I was scared. When he tried to stick it in the first time, that's when I yelled, "get off me!" And he did. I was in shock though, so my senses weren't as sharp as they should've been. He let me sit up, and I started to pull up my pants, when he grabbed my arm and stopped me. He forced himself on me. I couldn't push him off. I was strong, but I didn't have much upper body strength. He didn't even use a condom. And afterwards, he said, "see, that didn't even hurt......all that crying..." I thought that maybe he didn't break my skin and I was still a virgin, but there was blood. He asked if I was bleeding, and he looked at me with really scary eyes and said that he better not catch anything. He didn't cum in me....he came on my stomach. But I was still scared that I might have gotten pregnant. Every time he raped me, I would be stressed out, waiting for my period to come, and hoping that I wasn't pregnant. I had even planned to commit suicide if I was.
He took away a piece of me ever time he entered into me. He took more and more of my will away each time. It got to the point where I really didn't hardly fight back. And even after him, if a guy wanted to have sex, after the first time I had sex willingly, I just let them. I stayed away from guys, so that this wouldn't happen, so I'm not super experienced, sexually. Plus, every time I have sex, I cry. I wanted to wait for marriage. But I let guys touch me. I never say no anymore. Even now, if a guy wanted to touch me, here is more of a chance I would let him....and if he wanted to have sex, I would say no if he didn't seem strong or if he seems kind, but if he seems like he could easily force me, I would just let him do whatever. It's better to give it up than to get raped again. Well...honestly, I think I would fight more now, but for I long time I would. I just stayed away from those kinds of situations.
I'm so dirty now. I even learn to finger myself from when he assaulted me. I actually learned from him. He disgusts me....but I even loved him at a point. I thought that if I could get him to fall in love with me, he would marry me and it wouldn't matter. I had even questioned my own sexual orientation plenty of times.......
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The building I'm in is closing, so I have to go....I wish I could keep venting though :(
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