*trigger* The Last Cut

I swear that I never want to cut again. I know I've said this before. But I'm saying it again. I don't want to live my life covered with butterfly bandages and gauze. I don't want to have to hide my body in shame. Last night, I cut really deeply. Deeper than I ever have before. I should have gotten stitches or maybe even a staple or two. But I didn't. I used my last two butterfly bandages trying to close it. It didn't come close to closing. About half a centimeter WITH the butterfly bandages on of gap between the skin. It is probably still bleeding. It is so deep. My counselor asked if I was okay, and I told her about the injury. She wanted me to go to the ER and get evaluated by a DMHP (designated mental health professional-- they decide whether to hospitalize someone or not). I said no. I am scared to. I'm not suicidal, but I don't want to run the risk of being hospitalized with finals so quickly approaching. But I decided to go to the health center and get checked out by a nurse. She gave me some more gauze, and scheduled me to see the doctor tomorrow morning. My leg aches.
I never want to cut again. I want this wound to be my last. I am done running from the pain that is my past. If I just face these monsters, I won't have to run for the rest of my life. I will finally have peace. And that's what I want. Peace. No more scars. No more cuts. No more pulling my pants down to show a nurse what I've done to myself. It is so embarrassing. Tracie Grace, please don't do this again. Please don't. You are not to blame for what happened to you as a child. IT'S NOT MY FAULT! Don't take this anger out on yourself. Channel it into your healing. I know you can heal, Tracie. I believe that you are brave, and strong, and willing. It's going to be okay. ~Tracie Grace